Thursday, December 31, 2009

alive in conflict

i thought about two things this morning
how we need conflict to feel alive or that conflict can make us feel more alive. We are supposed to struggle with the hard issues.

and second?
i'm not sure.

my dad is having an okay morning!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

identity crisis

Hang/Lisa/Hang/Lisa...

seriously. It's not really hang, it's hang with accents and for several years of my life...i think i was only hang with accents. I can't remember what folks called me in the first grade. I did go to kindergarten at a vietnamese church so i'm sure they called me hang with accents.

I became lisa in the second grade. one minute i'm attached to the name and the next I am not. same goes for hang.

it's a bit difficult to have some friends call/family call you lisa while others call you hang/hang with accents. tomorrow, i'm going to take tally of the different names and we'll see what i get called by most. should be interesting and maybe it will give me some insight into what i'm supposed to call myself. maybe Lisa is a nickname though it's not as good a nickname as sushine or any tasty treats (apple, cookie, bunny?, babe? - as in pork?). I suppose the later are more pet names, but anyway...

i just typed Hang at the end of an email and for a split second would have much rather typed Lisa. weird.

On some rather amazing fun news, my dad had the heart to try to take a couple of steps today!!!!!!!!!!!! yup. yup. it can only be...that holy spirit. i feel like breaking out into some kirk franklin.

also, my eye developed a weird twitch...just started today and i don't know why.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

christmas with dad

I wanted to say all of this yesterday, but by the time the day ended, i was too tired. this christmas, my sister, josh, joseph, kailyn, and i laid hands on my dad. we prayed with conviction and with expectancy.

1. in the name of jesus, walk
2. holy spirit change his heart
3. heal his body

later that night, after having gone to christmas at my dad's sisters and then at my mom's sisters, he asked me to help him out of bed. actually, he tried to do it by himself! we got into the wheelchair and strolled out into the living room. He had a bit of soup and we opened the present my sister gave him: a new pair of pajamas and a collage of him and kailyn. i felt the joy in his heart. He was pleased.

i wish i could have taken a photo of that moment. so today's prayer is for the holy spirit to give him a spirit of perseverence and strength and to heal his body.

on a less than pleasant note, our dog jack has diarrhea and he left me some accidental presents by the christmas tree.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

just a couple lessons this week

love needs no reasons
like forgiveness is required when there are no valid excuses or good reasons

to be so aware of how little we know
but to reject the idea of god
is narrow
shortsighted at best

pray with conviction
pray with expectation
pray with FAITH

Friday, December 11, 2009

mastering the art of wasting time

check phone every five minutes (for no reason)
spend hours on fb looking at photos (perhaps of yourself; is that vain?) and checking on people.
i was looking for a new profile picture.
getting all sorts of emotions over wasted time.
watched hulu - should have gone out to rent a movie but didn't want to be in the rain.
blowing your nose a lot which i'm convinced makes it stuffier.
and going on blog to write about nothing significant. i should take notes on the book i'm reading now called boundaries. hopefully i'll learn more about myself or how to be a better me.

my sister and i put up the fake christmas tree today. we also had our first hospice aid visit. it was good. my dad made it on to the wheel chair and left his room for the first time in over a week. celebrate the small stuff.

Friday, November 27, 2009

it keeps hurting so much

every friday and saturday now i spend my entire day with my dad, except for the occassional saturday block party. i try to be "productive" - whatever that looks like - but i end up bumbling around, nothing complete, little accomplished. words of encouragment go into one ear and out the next. his arm stays motionless. please dad, you move your hand now. you can do it. that's it, take a step. then i recount the steps, diagnosis, surgery, doing okay, another surgery, good, good, hospital. not good. recover? please?!! no. he's stuck. i feel stuck.

i wonder if i'm crying more because it feels so helpless or because when i reach out for a shoulder to cry on...i don't know where to turn. i also wonder what it would be like if they never got a divorce. if instead of having to drive 30 minutes to get to my mom, i can just turn around, walk into the other room and say mommy, hold me.

i don't really know what i need to do; just crying because i know tomorrow will come and i'll at least face it. and monday will come and i'll have to go to work.

that's my story today.

Monday, November 23, 2009

replay

not good enough...
damn, what happened this year? why did i wait to talk to him? was it the endless hours of research and finding the best surgeon or the endless hours of tv that i wallow(ed) in? because now...he can't talk and he can't tell me how he feels without anger and name calling. it hurts and then it doesn't. god, i'm so incredibly blessed to have a home, to have some friends, food, everything i need.

my dad is angry and detached because he thinks its the easiest thing for everyone. he doesn't want anyone to see him like this (possibly to remember him like this - sick and hurting); i can't change him.

in my own anger, i slammed the door on my fingers today and it looks pretty gnarly. some bruising and dried blood now. crazy eh?

goodnight.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

addicted to television

i'm addicted to hulu tv and it's really bad, but i realized that i can't stop watching (outside of any mind altering hypnosis) because i love the instant satisfaction of happiness. i am addicted to happy endings.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

holden caufield

sometimes... i just want to put my life in a box and stop time. maybe even turn back time and forget that we have to worry about a future.

emotion: listless. hmm...or actually incredibly filled by the spirit today but just as quickly, i felt it sucked right out of me.

i have no idea what's next and i know i can just sit and watch episodes of greek because i need to sleep and i need to connect to people and places. bla bla bla.

back to hulu. this is not exactly the life i had in mind. tomorrow?

Friday, October 16, 2009

swing of your hips...

oh boy, this song is great...
makes me desire/want for a better day that i know exists. does that make sense? it's somehow wraps me in love and community (yes, faith and desire...drowns me in love...pull me down hard). like ocean waves with far too much water that rocks you afloat and envelopes you like you've never seen and puts you at the top looking down on crashing whites - 8 feet of scary abyss and that's only above the water. below, a mystery. leaves for only one complete and satisfying feeling: awe of this great creation.

today, i get to spend the entire day with my dad. sadness comes a bit easier, but the joys are also higher. hmm...

brotherhood and community - i think i'm finding more of you and i pray (on a tangent) for santification (through suffering) and for wholeness in community with God and my brothers and sisters.

i am pretty sure i haven't made much sense at all. i think it is all about love for one another.

good day.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

oh happy days

jazz downtown, amigos buenos, hotdogs --- no buenos, tarea, facebook all day, cool nonprofit campaign, trust in dios, hmmm...BEST PART OF DAY: dad was super smiley and happy. what happened? haha, god, all that praying worked? of course you listen, just wasn't sure how you were going to respond. Praying still.

we were in the hospital yesterday. dad had another seizure, this time i wasn't home to see it, but i've finally accepted that things are just going to be and i can't force anything to happen so i've been pretty content with life. His burden/yoke IS much lighter.

buenas noches.

Hortensia* (ha, what an awful spanish name...i'm going to make another one up)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

litigations gone too far

really like this wall street article:

Law is supposed to uphold social norms of right conduct. Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. said that this was “the first requirement of a sound body of law.” By making people potentially liable for their negligence, law provides incentives for reasonable conduct. But the converse is also true. Allow lawsuits against reasonable behavior, and pretty soon people no longer feel free to act reasonably.

Welcome to America. Mud and reeds have been dumped on natural and necessary human activities throughout American society. Playgrounds have been stripped of all physically active equipment, like monkey bars, with the effect, among others, of contributing to a crisis in childhood obesity. Health-care costs are skyrocketing, in part because paranoid doctors are in the habit of ordering unnecessary tests to provide a possible defense in case there’s a lawsuit. Because of fear of legal claims, teachers can’t put their arm around a crying child.

Lawsuits are easy. Whenever anything goes wrong. It’s easy to come up with a theory of what might have been done differently. There could have been a warning. There could have been more supervision of the playground. The doctor could have ordered an MRI for the headache, just to make sure. Exposing people to liability against the standard of hindsight, however, creates not a safer world but one in which people simply avoid socially useful activities. Obstetricians quit. Seesaws disappear. Businesses stop giving references. The City of New York did, in fact cut the limbs off trees near playgrounds so children would not be tempted to climb them.

All life’s activities involve risk, and therefore the inevitability of accident and disagreement. The role of law is not to provide a consolation forum for those who have felt the misfortune of risk, but to support the freedom of all citizens to make reasonable choices, including taking reasonable risks. That requires judges, wherever someone makes a claim, to balance the seriousness of the risk against the social utility of the claim. Those rulings are the building blocks of our common law system, which, the English Law Lords recently reminded us, “is just the formal statement of the results and conclusions of the common sense of mankind.”

Judicial activism has a bad name. It’s one thing for judges to impose affirmative legislative mandates, like forced busing, but far more disruptive for judges to sit on their hands and let private litigants sue for the moon. Want to fix the legal system? Shine the spotlight on the judges.

The Wall Street Journal, October 22, 2003 p. A20

Sunday, October 4, 2009

at the living room cafe

just finished a one page spanish paper on the Tlatelolco Massacre while observing three soon to be married couples meet with their wedding planner. it was distracting, but fun nonetheless.

*just thought i'd share that. i have no idea what it is like to have to plan a wedding/a marriage.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

here, just as you are

sigh* great episode of grey's anatomy. i only started watching the end of last season and it's been a rollercoaster just like this crazy life (cancer, hospitals, doctors, interns, family, deaths, relationships...and friendships). So season right now and episode 3 or 4, thanks for the fun. it was a good ending, friends playing baseball at some ungodly hour after work - 5 hour long surgeries, hospital mergers, saving lives - maybe i'll get to do that one day.

it's a fun thought...this being a doctor. the not so fun thought: paying bills, studying for a really long time, every day for four years, and working around the clock.

i'm high on the two cups of coffee i had this morning from The missions restaurant on University (it was amazing, made my taste buds do a dance) and an entire glass of callahan red (a local brewed favorite).

chaos ensues but i'm very thankful for the friends i still have. so if y'all are reading this, i love love love my serious time friends. YOU.

just fyi on honesty, it means not holding back and being straightforward. why the bs? just why?
oy mamacita, tengo tarea para mi clase de espanol. y mas? surfiar manana? no domingo despues de inglesia.

I am still doing a lot of soul searching but i've had two weeks of constancy, if there's such a word, and it feels good. it's about acceptance and perseverence. i think i may be changing my blog title to daddy and me. or adventures with dad. today, we woke up, went to the missions. he didn't order but rather then let it get to me. i ordered and ate. it was yummy. he drank some coffee. then we went to saigon, but when we got there and almost out of the car, he stopped me and we had to turn around. we went to a new asian baguette place on el cajon (i already ate so i told him it was my turn to watch him eat). a couple of EMT's came into the restaurant after us (of no importance). he ate. i read a page of book of LA progressive movement. then home.

worked. then convinced him we should go to the park! Kate Sessions in PB rocks. got there. he refused to get out of the car. :( i pulled out the lawn chairs anyway and he got out :)
and we sat there. made small talk with guys playing beer hackey sack thingy as i walked to the bathroom. commented about the incredible view on top of this neat public space. we sat. i read another page. on my way to the bathroom, i thought about asking these guys if they would offer my dad a beer (all in my head). then minutes later, after sitting down next to dad in our matching lawn chairs. he pointed to the guys. i asked what he wanted... ah, of course, he wanted a beer. asked my dad several times in disbelief and inability to get the nerve to ask the guys if they could offer us a beer (though i'm sure they would have since we exchanged some words previously). i think because i asked him if he was sure so many times, he said no.
up we go, he was ready to leave. so before we left, i said how about one drive around to the other side of the park because the view is stunning. we went, he told me to pull over on the other side and to park?!! unbelievable, but whatever for, i couldn't figure it out. dad makes hand drawing of cylindrical container. he wanted me to ask this party of 50 folks if i could have a beer.

i said dad, probably not a good idea, maybe next time we come here, i'll bring the beer. why not?
then dinner at not so great thai restaurant in pb. and home... we talked. yesterday i shared with him pastor miles' interview with burn "thriver" and his wife. sorry i can't remember his name. hoping to shed light on his situation. we're not at our worst and somehow you just have to keep fighting, keep trying so at the very least you can say you tried and maybe it doesn't work out entirely the way you want it, but so what, you tried.

it was a good talk. maybe tomorrow, he will try and he will keep trying.
goodnight.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

hello world.
no broken heart here, just a bit of reminiscing on life from 6th grade until now... that's a long time. In the player, my waiting to exhale sound track - mostly songs i cried to when i felt hurt - but today it is more of an opportunity to cherish all of those times and relationships that have gotten me through some pretty chaotic times. When I last heard this CD I was in a two bedroom apartment with my dad in north park where we moved after he and my mom got a divorce and today, i'm in a house that my dad, stepmom, and i had moved to in '98 (maybe earlier) (also, a long time). daddy is sick and not the same. not even close. my sister is married! with two kids! I am still figuring out why i am here and how much time i've wasted on nothingness. I keep reaching out, trying to get a handle on who my real friends are and where they are. New friendships with meaning are hard to form.

oh and before i let you all go with the lyrics to Whitney Houston's "Exhale" - this is a great quote - "What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories." - george elliot
Everyone falls, in love sometimes
Sometimes it's wrong, and sometimes it's right
For every win, someone must fail
But there comes a point when...
When we exhale, yeah yeah

Say, shoop, shoop, shoop...
All you gotta do is say shoop, shoop, shoop...
My Lord now, shoop, shoop...

2-Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you cry
Life never tells us, the whens and whys
When you've got friends, to wish you well
You'll find a point when, you will exhale


Yeah, yeah
Say, shoop, shoop, shoop..
Say shoobedoo...

Oh, hearts are often broken
When there are words unspoken
In your soul there's, answers to your prayers
If you're searching for, a place you know
A familiar face, somewhere to go
You should look inside your soul
And you're half way there
(rpt 2)

I say shoop, shoop...
Feels all right, you can say shoop...

Monday, September 21, 2009

the smell of man

Back in February (or actually, i'm not sure when we celebrate my brother in law's bday, but that month...) I went with my sister to buy cologne. I asked the service person if she had something similar to Michael Jordan's cologne from back in the day. She didn't know. So as I was helping my sister decide on the cologne for her man, I was searching for the perfect smell for my makeshift pillow man (sorta joking). Nada. That is, until we paid for whatever it was my sister bought for josh and we were walking away from the counter when i spotted Justin Timberlake's new cologne. It had to be it!

I knew it before I even took a whiff. Quickly, I motioned for the counter lady and asked for a sample. My sister and I melted at the scent. I was in love with Givenchy. not sure what kind of a name that is, but anyway, must be that musty sweaty smell of post basketball player/dancer that i'm digging.

In the 7th grade, I bought my first boyfriend that Jordan cologne. Why did i write about this? well i just decided to open up the samples today. now no one should actually rush to get that cologne because I actually think prolonged whiffing of it makes my head spin. not good. However, i am thankful for the brief moment of bliss that the smell of a man brings me. oh the small joys in life.

as for more exciting and far more worthy news, we just had our second block party in san diego and it felt just right being in city heights. Just show me where the need is... and i think i'll be there.

in the love of christ,

hang my chau

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

it's over now

just finished an episode of glee on hulu. i don't mind the occasional mindlessness. love/hurt from love - i'm not sure how genuine these emotions are, that deep weight in your heart that catches your breath and makes you pound it out of your own chest - but when I'm ok, like i am today, and i get these love pains, it feels nice. as in, someday i'll get to feel that love again towards someone special. it might be a bit sad and less than cozy, but i think someday will come.

I just saw Reign on Me the other day and on the movie cover, it says, live everyday like it is the best day of your life. pause, i think i already wrote about this. nevermind.

yeah i'm just not ready to call it a night, but i know i'll be exhausted tomorrow if i don't try harder to get that shut eye. i have to be up in 6.5 hours, make that 6.35 or something. i am embarrassed (where's the spellchecker) to admit this, but i couldn't do 4th grade subtraction the other day as in figure out how to carry the 10s or whatever. my fifth grade brother had to show me; he was pretty amused that i didn't know how to do it. you should have seen the look on his face before he grabbed the pen from me and started scribbling. i even told him to slow down.

angie - maybe you can help me with this one?
reading a really good book right now called Jews without Money.

buenas noches mundo.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Catch me if you can.

I'm so glad I wasn't angry for too long because when he came home, it was like nothing had happened at all. i wonder if that makes sense to anyone reading. i'd post a picture to take up the white space, but I have both laptops at staples for cleaning.

problema: i haven't woken up happy/energized in a little over a month. any ideas? I'm going to keep trying. it might be those long bad movies. O.M.G. I even had a nightmare last night and woke up screaming. that was wild. my own scream/yelp woke me up.

to philly: i miss you. what an incredible trip back. thanks for the good times, the neighborhoods, and the obvious diversity or maybe the 95% african american passengers on my septa rides to West Philly. it felt like home.

there hasn't been one week that has been the same for me in nearly a year. i'm not sure what to make of it except to accept that life is a constant adventure and routine must be boring considering the constant frustration of failed attempts at creating one. you know, despite all my doubts this last month, i believe god has a great plan for our lives.

one) His story is too perfect to be a creation of man. two) hopeless living isn't much living at all. three) apparently, he says his yoke/burden is light. i should give it a try.

a recurring question for me (perhaps i'm asking the wrong question): if i die tomorrow, will i have said and done everything i should have/could have/wanted to...

goodnight! *Catch me if you can is one of my favorite movies.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

physically strong enough, spiritually weak... near dead?

I have faith things can change at any given time. if something (god?) can work through his heart, his spirit can change. his acceptance of a disease that crippled him can happen. his acceptance of a plan for his life beyond his own ability can happen. i know these things, but if it doesn't?

i can fight with him, i can respect him, i can almost have a conversation with him until he yells NO and Oh God as he chokes up in tears.

I don't know too much about Edward Kennedy other than he was senator and a part of the Kennedy family but I'm reading about him now after the fact, after he dies. how lame is that?

what do i know about my dad?
he worked hard for most of his life, foregoing school so that he could work on the farm while his younger siblings went to school. him and his family escaped from Vietnam near the end of the war (perhaps at the end). Somewhere along the lines, his sister was driving his mom and they got into a car accident that paralyzed his mom. He met my mother at Hoover high school, they made me, and both dropped out of school. or they dropped out before and made me. my mom was 17, he was 20. He went to trade school to become a machinist.

He became one and worked many years for GA, katema, Kyocera. Often taking on two shifts. I saw very little him for a period of time. He loved exploring and taking us out to new places. The circus was one of those one time phenomenons where I saw an elephant poo.

My dad was frugal. He budgetted and saved every penny. He was able to buy the family our first home. I was 8. He supported my mother's nail business and bought several storefronts for the 2 attempts at running her own business... both failed, but they tried. My parents argued often, but also had sex often. At one point, my mom left to another state to do nails. They make more money in other states doing nails.

My dad had an affair. In one year, the marriage ended. He drank and smoke his sorrows away at night. We would argue over so many things. I was a rebellious teenager in some sense of the word. I would apologize. His happiness came from other women but he always cared first for his family. If anyone in his family needed him, he would be there. For my uncle's daughter, he gave her his car and paid for the insurance. For my uncle, he helped to front the insurance for his shop. Whatever was needed, he wanted to see him family succeed.

He didn't talk much to his dad. I suppose that was uncomfortable. To this day, he rarely goes over to see his dad. Oh, my dad had/has the greatest smile. He always smiled and said hi to strangers, but he got mad at me everytime for dancing in the aisles at the grocery store. Reminding me for some reason that i have to contain myself.

bla bla bla right now i can't get him to go to see a doctor. have to ask, why should i become one if patients refuse treatment or the information/care of a doctor that went to school for all those years?

.......... good morning.



Tuesday, August 25, 2009

pet peeve: paper pushing

just a thought - people should not get paid to do stupid stuff. i generally dislike the concept of middle management etc. a thought: when middle management becomes a position in a company, the company is getting too big.

I question the value of big companies and think that as a society we need to weigh the value of decrease administrative costs to actually helping people do something significant with their lives.

I owe the city of inglewood $100 for a parking ticket ($53 of that is in late fees) and they supposedly can't do anything about it because they didn't get the mail i sent them (without a check) a month ago. something about when the computer adds the fee, they can't change it. is that bs?

i forgot that we have somehow become less than the ability of our computers???!

so in addition to bureaucracy gone bad, i saw blood diamond for the first time and became unbelievably/typically sad and it feels more and more like the world is crumbling all around me. Is it true? Perhaps not but it does give a nice image of the light that christians are supposed to be in this world as it crumbles. forgive me for questioning god and religion, but regardless i think we need more light in this world and more of us need to step up/step out of the dark.

the world is too preposterous without a god/without a living jesus. it takes faith to believe and faith to not believe but certainly the evidence of the truth is all around.

my left eye is hurting because i've been using it too much. my right eye is getting weaker and i'm pretty sure i'll be blind in that eye soon enough. hopefully not before the major earth quake in CA.

are the strange times we are living in any more strange than the generation before us?
is time in a straight line? are we progressing towards something other than blindness and death?

buenas noches.

Hang


Saturday, August 22, 2009

finally...a few photos from our first block party

http://picasaweb.google.com/hchau39/BlockPartyKamwood?feat=directlink

goals this year:
1) respect my father
2) motivated by love, not guilt
3) persevere, don't look for quick answers
4) follow through on commitments (especially to make time for friends).

i'm working on hard on those and starting block party sd!

got a few things done today so i'm feeling pretty good.

love,

hang

Saturday, August 15, 2009

life is tough.

it just is and yes, i'm searching far and wide, into the crevices of my thoughts and i can't find you. sometimes, i just want to (and sometimes I just do) throw things, and scream at the top of my lungs in silence. what a painful way to scream? who is listening? who is by my side? not for a story, just a shoulder to lean on. i almost want to curse.

anyway, dad, so you love me and you're depressed and life is hard because you were told you would die any day and you feel death's breath on your neck, so you are crippled and in your presence, i feel crippled. somehow, i have to turn the other cheek and pretend the frustration and the anger didn't happen? no. how can i tell you. this love is tough.

my goal: to not be lead by guilt but by pure love. show me how. build me, grow me, mold me.
my other goal: dang it, i should have written it down earlier.

until then, trying to keep away from distractions and to focus. i'm hoping to hear god's voice.

Friday, August 14, 2009

what is wrong with rational debate?

so people who claim to be christians don't always live a christian life, which i have come to believe is made up of love, sacrifice, and sanctification. But why in the world are people with some of the most open minds unwilling to talk about christ? Is the debate truly fair to both sides?

I just saw a trailer for "The God Who Wasn't There," which I am very willing to watch and to process rationally. Can't unbelievers give a fair chance to God's existence?

Faith isn't easy, but we all walk by faith everyday.

anyway, finishing up ladder 49 because my sister just bought 18 dvd's.

love.




Saturday, August 8, 2009


old news but memorable: block party san diego's first block party comments from neighbors and invited guests:

"i've been praying for a way to get to know my neighbors." - a resident

"this was a great party." - my little brother

"I'm surprise you got everyone to move their cars."

hmm...nothing exciting, just finished business management class and 2nd semester of ballet. blogging is just a distraction. working (attempting to work) on business plan for block party san diego.

xoxo,

Hang

Sunday, August 2, 2009

sigh*

my head was rattling, bursting with thoughts before i sat down in my livingroom, turned on this computer and made small talk with a friend. i couldn't wait to sit down, to write. it's either i'm crazy, or i can hear god's voice or somehow i analyze all of my thoughts. does it make sense? how will it sound on paper or to someone else? is it really anything significant for me, my life, others?

flashing in the toolbar. is that a conversation via gchat? a distraction? a wanted distraction?
just saw the ugly truth and nearly cried during one part of a ROMANTIC COMEDY. seriously? manipulation sells. for a minute, the movie said this is how you get someone to love you back. the ending speaks the truth or just another fairy tale. no i know. i know, i know that love is unexpected.

screw love. i don't mean it. i was doing so well and i am. yesterday and the day before yesterday, i wanted to write about how happy i was to hear a love song, almost any love song because i could only think about god's love. i mean that's what i've been asking for the ability to do. to know true love in god. i used to only be able to think about a boy or boys. whatever.

(no edits) question: do i have a checklist for love? does love sometimes stare you in the face and do you miss it? someone told me that the holy spirit will speak truth and connect you and if it's right, the feeling from the holy spirit will be there. so no i don't really think that love can be staring me in the face and i'm missing it, but i do set expectations? a checklist.

clean. neat. caring. adventurous. loving. after god. bla bla bla. my brain is dead. i had peru organic coffee from the living room cafe today and caffeine and i don't mix too well.

friends - big topic. i love my friends, but when my friends don't believe in my universe: God... shoot something is missing. this big hole that can't ever be filled. that makes me sad.

BUT GOD, YES, that i know: everything is in your hands. so i'm not worried and i'm not really afraid of much, but sometimes this heart hurts.

and empty me??? seriously? how does that work? how do i keep who i am and empty myself. i could barely sing the words today in church.

thank you god. with all my heart (even the parts that i can't understand), thanks dad.

with loving kindness, help me know you more.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

what what???

uh...i just went for an evening surf session (yesterday and have been wanting to show off all day) along the cliffs and uh LOVED IT! i caught like 8, maybe 9 waves. just tootin' my own horn i guess. really excited about that.

mission: learn to hear god's voice.

love patiently, love endlessly, love generously...love persistently
no anxiety. no fear, just prayer and petition.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

block party trial #1

well... it happened. our first block party on kamwood street. i cannot even begin to express everything that went right tonight. i'm pretty tired, but i have a feeling my brother in-law might be in more pain and muscle ache than me. he carried the load with this one and i'm so proud of him. can i say that? he has such a gift for organizing and storing things (if only you knew) but essentially the trailer of rentals (moon bounce/bounce house, popcorn, sno cones, cotton candy machines, tables, tents, chairs, games) is more sorted out and neat now than when we first got it.

anyway, a couple notes about this new ministry called block parties. Ask me again where god is. He is right here. to start at the end, as I was packing up one of our tables, a neighbor next to me was using the evening to preach the gospel. while i walked down our dimly lit street after putting away some other block party/carnival contraption, the air was still filled with the sound of neighbors chatting and ray charles through the speakers, there was a child reaching up for one of the red balloons that had blown from his hand. somehow, that red balloon represents god's love, and uh...that's when I thanked Him again for having such an amazing plan for us.

anyway, i still don't entirely know how to clean out a popcorn machine and i definitely have no idea what to do with the cotton candy bit (thanks lynn for telling me at least to soak the top part)...but I think block party san diego is on!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

god god god

when you say something enough times, it starts to sound strange. a sound that you can no longer associate with any physical, tangible object. god's not quite physical and it takes faith to believe in something you can't see so when you say his name too much, it's beyond "strange." it feels almost contrived. i wonder what the person listening to me thinks.

past couple days have been interesting and filled with god searching. i just want to make sure what i do and what i say is genuine, that it's in line with god, but then i get lost and can't find god and it all feels fake, like i'm looking for a magic genie.

had a really good meeting today with chuck and rene c. from the rock. it was 100% divine. so, that's cool. i felt god working in each of our lives separately up until that meeting and in order for us to have that meeting.

this morning i asked god where he was? and i think that was his answer. go figure. don't ask for anything you don't really want.

i wonder if i can start every meeting in prayer?? i have started very few meetings in prayer.

good night.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

romanticizing community and global markets

so i'm working on a project to throw neighborhood block parties. my aim: decrease violence, decrease isolationism, and increase community. the problem is i don't mind sleeping all day and sometimes, i would prefer not to talk with people. henri nouwen mentioned something in his book, the return of the prodigal son, about the reality of community, about just how unromantic it actually is and that stuck with me. I didn't read most of the middle of this book, i read some intro and skipped to the last few pages so i might have missed the point.

but this is what he says: "there is little romanticism to community life. there is a constant need to keep stepping out of the engulfing darkness onto the platform of the father's embrace....
the people (a community) who welcomed me home and invited me to celebrate also confronted me with my not yet converted self and made me aware that the journey was far from ended." being true to ourselves and our communities make others in our community face their own vulnerabilities, there own anguish and that causes anxiety. it is a challenge to be better not only for ourselves but for each other and rather than seeking self-gratification, a community member and leader must continually give. "his outstretched hands are not begging, grasping, demanding, warning, judging, or condemning. They are hands that only bless, giving all and expecting nothing."

that's a tough one to handle. i think.

on another note, i'm taking a business management and organization class and although i'm many chapters behind and i have to take a midterm today. i think the book is fun. a little jewel from that book:
Geert Hofstede *i think, i can't read my own handwriting anymore. that's pathetic.
talks about 5 consistent cultural dimensions
1. power distance, is the extent to which a country accepts power is not distributed equally. (i hate bureaucracy and power struggles so this point hit home)
2. individualism, the degree to which a country believes that every individual should be self-sufficient (where is the room for community in this?)
3. masculinity, the degree to which a country is highly assertive. on the other end of the spectrum, feminity: nurturing cultures.
4. uncertainty avoidance, degree to which people are uncomfortable with uncertainty
5. short term vs long term orientation, self explanatory.

i think i'm drawn to these ideas because these are human dimensions as much as they are country dimension to look for in a global market. good times.

prayer. prayer. prayer. mathew 18:19-20. i love a good prayer partner/friend.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

sadness sucks

there's no sugar coating this one. hmm...i'm sad because it's a beautiful day in san diego and i love san diego and i would much rather be outside right now playing in the ocean, building sand castles and loving on strangers than feeling couped up in my room, kinda hungry with nothing appetizing to eat, homework to do, daddy hopeless in the other room sleeping, good but melo enough to be sad jason mraz on the pandora, and a still unfulfilled vision of block parties that unite communities. sigh*tomorrow will be good. today (this moment), i just have to get through.

death and dying sucks too not just because it's unnatural in the sense that god created us for eternal life with Him, but because if we're dying/dead, is that god's way of saying we're better off dead to Him? we can do more for His kingdom dead than alive?

i want to watch a movie outside in a pool. sickness sucks too, i'm getting over it but still weak. my dad needs his friends and i need mine. staring at the philly fellows photo. that was fun.

procrastination sucks. or the feeling like you're procrastinating sucks. i am motivated by guilt??!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

back to reality: daddy i miss you.

god, thank you for joy. thank you for peace and relief, for leading me besides quiet waters and through green pastures. thank you for the knowledge that you restore my soul.

guatemala is an exceptional country surrounded by green mountains and volcanoes and beautiful people. despite government corruption and a lot of pain, it is a blessed town because it willingly submits to the power of god. The communities are small and connected which i loved. for only having left a week, it was a harsh reality to return home to our wide streets, closed doors, and distant strangers.

i also unwisely immunocompromised myself and caught an unpleasant virus. i was bedridden yesterday and feeling much better today, but tensions ran high when i felt my heart shrink to worldly standards and did not want to give my stepmom the benefit of the doubt. god, i know through you, we will be able to find a happy/holy medium.

all this to say, daddy, i miss your smile. i miss the way you and i were captured in that photo at lynn's wedding. PLEASE, come back to us. PLEASE PLEASE.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

surfing and brotherhood

hmm...sisterhood? made it to mission beach this morning for the first time in months. since i keep my board at a friend's house, i've been riding the waves, shredding the gnar (which i had to ask, stands for gnarley...of course it does) in ob and sunset. Then today i realized i've been missing out on our mission beach tradition. the waves were long and clean, the ocean was as vast as ever and the dolphins were out in full force with a few duos and trifectas. i was probably 15 feet from them!

anyway, was on my way to catching a really nice wave until i realized it was a steep beach break and my board took a nose dive and my neck experience a bit more than whip lash. no problem, went right back out. caught another good one until i fell off and the board decided to hit me in the eye propelling me into a series of water gulping fun. oh, i still love surfing. i still love that i had a chance to see coult and jon lee. i loved that in the water i can feel god's presence and i'm hoping/waiting for another day where i can just get up and spend a whole day basking without having to run home on empty (i need to get gas).

peace. love. waiting.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Daddy please...

from the time i got home this evening till about one and half hours ago, I was looking for the lyrics of a song that made me cry in church today. today i cried more in church than i have ever. today was father's day. my heart cried out for my friends that have lost their parents, but mostly it cried out for my dad, for his health, for the day that he may see my first child and walk me down the aisle (hopefully not in that order as EC would say).

the song was the same song my sister chose for her father daughter dance. am i scared that I will lose him? yes, a little. Do I have hope? yes, a lot. Do i know that God's will will be done and that his will is good? yes. Do I pray enough? no. Do I truly believe we can be a witness to one of God's miracles? yes and no. how do you balance modern/man medicine with god's power? pray. ok, that's good. i can do that. anything else? (responses here would be helpful. thanks guys)

so i never found the song. i know my sister sent it to me and i feel like it's in my itunes library which makes not being able to hear it now even worst.

my step mom is frantic. "Hang, come here, something is wrong with your dad."
she turns the door knob. it is locked. crap. I put on clothes. my shirt is inside out and backwards. dad's probably seizing. he is seizing.

it's ok. just relax.
"co ngoc," i say sternly as i calmly stroke her hand that is agressively pulling and holding onto dad's feet and hands, "it's okay, relax, dad, just breathe."
the sound of deep breaths.
"it's okay. how do you feel?" oh crap, asking questions right now doesn't help. In vietnamese, "hey dad, you are seizing right now, but it's okay, just breathe okay."
the sound of forced breaths and muttering lips. "breathe in, breathe out."

okay, you are better. still residual twitching. oh crap, he bit his tongue. shoot, what do i do?
"he is starting again."
"O.M.G. he is. Co Ngoc, call 911"
"Call 911?"
"yes, call 911."
"here take the phone."
the usual conversation.
911 paramedic on the phone: "hey you can stay on the phone with me if you like, we don't have to talk."
"thanks, dad, it's okay, just breathe. he is still seizing. he hasn't calmed down."
2 minutes later.
"okay, he's calming. i think he bit his tongue again. his mouth is still twitching and his eyes are red. i think the paramedics are here."
"do you want to hang up?"
"yes, if the paramedics are here. thanks. have a good night."
the usual conversation.

that was the end of my father's day. daddy please dance with me (is a part of that song...but i still can't find it).

in love and faith,

your daughter.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

a picture perfect morning

Not everyday can be perfect and I am sure even perfection can become boring, but today might have gotten pretty close for me.

woke up without an alarm at 6 am
grabbed my bible, my wallet, my keys and headed down to sunset cliffs
perfection would have been having the opportunity to hit the water
but i got a hold of a black, rusty beach cruiser and rode all along the cliffs.
stopped off to count the handful of people in god's vast ocean and said to myself, everything else is uncountable yet you call them by name so us, you must truly love.
i observed. i said hello to strangers and i rode back.
perfection would have been to not have to get in that car at all.
pulled into my driveway. opened the door and found my dad at the dining room table.
and now, an adventure with my new nonstick griddle and banana - blueberry pancakes.
and lauryn hill on the pandora
with intermittent john legend love songs.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

phillies brooms padres

good game phillies. petco park is a san diego jewel especially on ground level. bondi is a one year old restaurant and bar that is both intimate and spacious with incredible service and now plays jazz on wednesdays. yo quierro aprender a tocar percusion and practicar espanol. tucson arizona and guatemala trips planned. kinda excited. i think this one is actually going to happen!?!!

thoughts on capital punishment? i am for it. can it be done right?
can't wait to actually hear obama's entire speech in cairo.
i can't remember what i've really wanted to write down. dang it.
having fun with daddy and that makes a lot of things that much better.

mass media taking on a new form with twitter etc. cnn staying relevant by using twitter to get people's viewpoints?

yikes...why can't i remember. until next time then.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

lean on me?

topics that are striking my curiousity:

- cultural barriers
- fear and faith
- fellowship and genuine friendships and their barriers
- truly letting go and letting god
- a constant concern for finding truth that leads to building of false barriers?
- and for fun, why can't i sing?

it was a hard day.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

su hi vong, this thing called hope

i don't think i realized how important hope it is. where do you put your hope? is your hope set in eternity? or is it finite with limitations and infallible let downs?

Friday, May 29, 2009

Cancer, I don't like you very much.

some 1/2 million people will be diagnosed with cancer, that's 1/6 of san diego's population. 1/1 will die (thanks for the reminder pastor jamison). what's up god? lead us to a point where we feel like we have nothing left so that we can surrender our lives to you?

sounds good. I'm game, but i still am not fond of this cancer. my grandfather just told me he has liver cancer. great time to preach the gospel i guess. what's next? use me.

love always,

Hang

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I am thankful because i can't be miserable

Our hospitality group sends out a weekly prayer list X has cancer, Y is going in for surgery, A has lost a job, B's kids aren't doing too well, and it goes on. My head spins and I can't take it. Where are the positives? So anyway, I am thankful that I feel safe enough to leave my home at night. I am thankful for friends who have stuck around. I am thankful for new relationships. Cheddar Sunchips, though i am tired of them now. Mint chocolate chip ice cream, but i haven't had any in awhile. Bicycles, because i really like riding them but i can't figure out how to work my quick release breaks. a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on tonight. I am thankful that there is a heaven to look forward to.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

nothingness of this life

There are far more people in far worst conditions. I cannot complain. I wanted to share a revelation I had yesterday after texting a friend about his not so happy situation. I realized that it is easy to forget for who and why we are living. And to remember but to not live life in that way, with Christ, for Christ, is still more complicated.

I am having a difficult time feeling that this life is more than nothing. There is a deep black hole where my heart is. I am tired today and want to escape the rejection that I feel when my father refuses to get out of bed. Where is the joy and the happiness of his life? How have I allowed his struggles to take away the contentment in my life?

I need to walk by faith. I need to not seek out short lasting adventures and happiness from the world. I am afraid of dying and I am afraid to lose the people that I love. I spent some time with my grandmother yesterday and she had so many questions for me. She also had a strong smile and a healthy 80 year-old asian woman frame. What brings her peace and joy? How did she come to find it?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

to live like you were dying

i believe this has been a common thread through most of my recent blogs. that, or boys. no really... life is short and it will catch us by surprise. I am thankful for having a roof over my head. I am thankful that I was able to wake up this morning and have a full functioning body. I am thankful that I was able to drive with my sunroof open so that i could breathe in the san diego air and see the stars that god has put into place.

i want to live without regret. I want to live with His glorious power inside of me.

Dear holy spirit,
please guide and direct my every move. through me, I want my brothers and sisters to see You.
In your HOLY HOLY HOLY name, Jesus Christ. AMEN.

...studying for statistics final on Friday.

...to give is better than to receive (has nothing to do with statistics).

Sunday, May 10, 2009

moms and their son's girlfriends

so i spent a part of my day pondering how/why moms don't always like the girls that their son's date. particularly, i pitied myself for many of my past boyfriends' moms did not take an immediate liking towards me. That's a euphemism. "you should keep dating"

there are more stories. no big deal, i love them all nonetheless and hope that mommies around the world are having a warm and fuzzy day. Then i spent the the rest of my 45 minutes with Charley on the beach at sunset cliffs. it was the first time i've laid on the beach all year and it was nothing short of fabulous.

i should be more elaborate but it's getting late so here's a snapshot:
nice run downtown this morning with charley and his friend rob. went to the hospital for pt with dad. met up with susan for tea and met her mom for lunch at their house. picked up charley and rob. took rob to the airport because he decided to take an earlier flight back to sf. charley and i went to the beach then dropped him off at his grandma's. met up with chad's family for church and just praised god. cried when a little girl sang and three people read letters to their moms. why did i cry? i love my mom. and i know that no matter what happens, however we might fail each other, that love that she has for us is truly a reflection of god's love for us. back to hospital to give step mom a rose (thank you rock church). went over to my sister's to help them clean up the house on soria after a slight altercation about her not being so judgemental. started painting (it's been awhile and was nice. in fact i still have white paint splattered on me. i should shower. should is the operative word. oh my). then josh left. i got scared. prayed like heck. got smart and closed some extra doors around the house and realized the rooms i was painting were pretty high up. later, josh calls me to tell me that their new house was broken into. the thief had taken a few things. it could have been the previous owner of the house. scary. scary how our world's moral foundation continues to break from under us. scary how more and more crimes against each other happen. scary that we don't love each other enough to protect and serve each other so that we don't need to steal. so i'm praying hard. FATHER, I hope you can hear my deepest cries. I hope that we can all be a vessel for you and for your will. i hope that one day we will see ourselves ALL TOGETHER as the body of christ.

ok, then off to mommy. yay!!! this might be embarassing for her (i hope not). i waited outside of the bathroom for 15 minutes until she came out so that i could give her a present and a rose (thanks again rock church). she has lots of questions about how my dad is doing. my entire family does and i try to answer them as best as i can, but she especially does. it's not always easy to be the one to answer these questions. i often give one or two word answers. can i just tape record his status and play it over and over? hmm...not a terrible idea. it (these situations we find ourselves in) cannot be that complicated.

i love my family and i love my friends. i love the people of this world and i'm waiting for the day when all of people's sufferings fade away.

IN HIM ALONE.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Day 8

When i called 911 for the ambulance on Friday, April 24th I wasn't planning on staying at the hospital until today. My dad is still in bed and will hardly open his eyes. His fevers are still spiking above 102. He was put on a series of antibiotics immediately and they were doing some good, but not much. Tylenol and Food were the only "medicines" that held his fever down. Then the Infectious Disease doc prescribed daptomycin which seemed to be doing the trick, but for some reason, he took my dad off the dapto after two days and put him back on vancomycin. An hour later, the right side of his neck was swollen, his fever spiked to 103 and he had a rash around his neck and chest.

What the heck? When I got into the hospital this morning, he had a fever of 102 if not a bit higher. They can't find anything in his blood cultures...

anyway, here i am, day 8 at sharp memorial. it's a very nice hospital with private rooms and I have reason to believe that because the hospital is nicer, there has been a higher standard set for patient care. I know God is here, but for me, the burden is heavy.

We had our first dance performance yesterday! hmm...we're trying the vancomycin again with benadryl. hopefully we'll get the confirmation we need. I'm concerned about super resistant bacteria and I'm hoping the doctors are monitoring the dosage carefully.

oh a medical note, post brain surgery, i don't think a patient should be expected to be mobile right away. I think the patient needs 2-3 days bed rest and I have become a proponent of continuing antibiotics even once the patient goes home especially if he/she is asked to leave the hospital only 3 and a half days after the surgery because it's unlikely that he got enough antibiotics in the hospital. I think a full course of most antibiotics requires at least 5 days.

my status:
feeling a weary. my body is not in tip top shape.
i've been eating too many sunchips for breakfast.
mentally, lazy.
i think i need good music and a day at the beach.
dancing has been a nice break from all of this
i'm looking forward to church on sunday. B is finally going to come with me - granted it's more to hear ex mafia boss martin franzese speak - but praying that the service can plant a little seed in his heart.

Done.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

how often...

how often do you compromise your faith for "fun"
how often can you say no to the holy spirit and still have life
how often is it supposed to hurt
how often can someone say something one minute and be completely different the next

pulling out my hair and crying out "DADDY" "ABBA" "YAHWEH"

i believe in Him and his omnipotence.
i just finished a case for christ and am now watching expelled con ben stein.

baptitzo - april 26, 2009

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Lift me higher

it seems like no matter where i am in my life, i can't get away from the discussion of relationships. our very essence is made for these intimate bonds. if we don't have them, we yearn for them. if we do, I have a feeling we have all taken them for granted at one point or another.

i can't get my thoughts out again. in short, i know what i want/need but i easily get caught up in the excitement (though i'm getting better at keeping what is bad for me away from me).

a good friend is hard to come by...

downtown on a wednesday with an amazing dinner and an old friend = not so bad evening.

i may have been in a slump lately (october 08 to march 09) with a fair share of ups and downs, but i just saw the yes man with jim carrey and i'm not going to lie, it was a reminder for me to seize opportunities and to allow opportunities to present themselves (i.e. obey God = very interesting and fulfilled life).

i am wondering what is next and how my relationships with friends/family/boys will be, how deep? how broadening? how long? whatever tomorrow brings, i know it will always be fun (is there a better word here?).

la dolce vita

Friday, April 17, 2009

Dear God

your plans are perfect and I love seeing them work out. I can't identify all the details nor all the purposes that you have put into every second of every event, but those that I do recognize, I rejoice in them and sing your praises. It is a reminder for me to sing your praises always. On Wednesday, my grandfather called me to say that I got accepted to medical school. He read the first line of the letter in perfect English. So, after settling down from the surreal moment, hanging up the phone with pop pop and running to my father's ICU to tell him, I started to question if I really did get accepted. Pop pop can't read English?!

Late last night, I sent an email to AT Still Arizona cancelling my interview appointment that is scheduled for Monday. I spent most of this morning wondering if that was a good idea. I would have loved to check out the University, but the stress of preparing for the interview after knowing that I got accepted to my top choice DO program didn't make sense.

I decided to call the University to confirm my acceptance.

"Hi Ana, I am out of town right now so my grandfather, who doesn't speak english very well, told me that I got accepted to Western U. I was hoping to confirm if I did get accepted."
Slight giggle, "Oh, what's your last name"
"Chau"
"Yes" - Ana
"YES! That's great news."
"Well, you have secured a spot for the class entering in Fall 2010, this year's class is full."
"Oh."
"If anyone cancels, because many people cancel between now and August. you'll get a call from us."
"Oh, ok, well...I'll take it. Thanks."

Feeling strange, but excited nonetheless, I got off the phone. I was given a one-year deferrment without asking for one. This means, I get to do things. I get to spend more time with my father. Perhaps travel, and work on that nonprofit idea with Zack that includes biking up the coast of california. Life is full and I am blessed. I don't have to take my mcats again or reapply to secure my spot and now i can apply for the national health service corps and if i get accepted, they'll pay for all four years rather than three because i missed the deadline for this year's application.

I also noticed a few other incredible twists to plans as of late including my dad's surgery date with UCLA doctor, Linda Liau. Everything is well. Thanks God.

Warmest Regards,

Hang

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

yes! victory.

4:30am, leave apt for ronald reagan ucla medical center.
5:00am, admissions paperwork
5:30am, procedure and treatment unit (pre-op)
6:00am, meets with OR nurse, anesthesiologists, and pa
7:30am (as scheduled), dad moves to the OR
9:00am, a phone call from William (OR anesthesiologist), "everything is going as planned"

(we get a call every 2 hours to let us know how things are going)

1:30pm, they're closing
1:35pm, Dr Liau "i think i got it all" <-- i think i'm inspired by amazing doctors.
2:54pm, he's in the recovery room

Monday, April 13, 2009

grandma's 81st birthday

It's 7:20pm, the day before my dad's second brain surgery. I'm emotional but not discouraged. Yesterday was filled with some classy moments: dad in the bathroom for half an hour after I had used it (tmi). everyone singing happy birthday to my grandmother while she was surrounded by her great grandchildren and then me leading a second round of happy birthday singing. She is a great woman.

listening to trevor davis, wondering where I am going, hoping that i'm not going to fast and that my faith grows roots. I wish my dad would be more receptive right now to doing something...

Friday, April 10, 2009

surgery scheduled

friday is almost gone. sat. sun. mon. and then there is tues...8 hours in the hospital.

..........

yes. eric mabius, crash and burn

Saturday, April 4, 2009

procrastination

I think i'm just avoiding statistics homework right now. ok...weird, crazy week:
hung out on a boat in marina, slept on a hammock.
met bj's twin - it was scary fabulous. there was more to it than just v-neck white t's and skinny jeans. wondered how they would get along.
slept in a pimped out vw bus with three other people. very weird moments.
hung out with dad and family in old town! plain fun.
campland by the bay bonfire and stuff. part of sleeping in vw bus.
err... ok, there's more but i have to go.

Friday, March 27, 2009

nightfall

just hanging out in LA and listening to Jack Johnson. I'm pretty stoked about that. It's a good night. I hope my dad sleeps well tonight.

oh just started a new book by richard bach (i think), the author of johnathan livingston seagull. The book is titled illusions of the messiah or something like that...ha. I like it a lot too.

oh, great news, i had an interview at Western U and i learn in two weeks or so if i'm going to be starting the long, arduous road of becoming a doctor. wow, that would be something else.

filled with wonder tonight.

Monday, March 23, 2009

ode to sweatpants

wow, i'd really like to continue that stream of consciousness. I'm wearing sweatpants right now and i couldn't imagine anything more comfortable. My brain is signaling a mile a minute into some abyss - a pool of thoughts that i can't make out because i won't stop to listen.

it's a sunny day in san diego. that is nice. i took a short breather in my car, parked outside of my house, seat set back, windows down, sun beaming, and breeze chilling, tears rolling. the pain never ends but i can see the sunshine through it all so i am, regardless of this life's roller coaster, comforted.

i can't wait to rest my head tonight, but between managing my father's health and my future, i can't find the time for much else. I am sad that i am not as able to help my brothers right now. as for my mom...we haven't talked in a week. I hope - scratch that - i know God is working and it's okay that i'm not involved right now.

hmm...heartbreak, gosh, it never stops. i've been touting the fact that i'm ready to get married. ha, what a funny concept. I just want to rest my head on someone's shoulder for the rest of my life. THIS that i'm going through right now, the constant heartache has got to be a consequence of my bad decisions. amazing. Still, i praise him. and i'm so thankful for the endless conversations that i can have with the holy spirit that rests in me. I will seek him first...but for now, father, can i find a shoulder to cry on?

my dear heart, i would like to put you away in chains and lock you up so that this pain that we are experiencing does not happen again. the pain is a subtle one, eased by an undercurrent god's love and grace. Maybe i'm learning how to cope????

breathe. can i find a surf partner too? because it looks like a good day for catching waves :)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Fresh air

i know what i need, but i can't seem to make it happen. i'd rather lay here on my floor and ponder the possibility of getting some fresh air and some time alone with God. That voice in my head is telling me to stop running. oy. today was complicated. I think i have some notes for my other blog so peace out.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

wake up...

life is good. god is good. end of story.

reminded to not take His life, His grace, His mercy, our security and our freedom in the US for granted (thank you kirk franklin).

God bless.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Lost and Found

I knew there was only one person that could save me and today, I was able to renew my relationship with Him. This weekend has been one of the most fruitful weekends in a long time. I think partially because I have forgotten how glorious it is to have a conversation in the car with the Holy Spirit. I think I have found my peace. Pray now that I can keep Him close and closer.

I also had a chance to catch some good mission beach waves with Mr. Lee and Tarl. It was cold but like Jon says, it's only going to get warmer from here. I took that as a metaphor for life so I have a lot to look forward to.

i was up pretty late last night and i'm sure if i pulled out the computer then, you wouldn't have seen the end of the blog. I forget how nice it is to be up in the middle of the night, in the dark, street lights against empty sidewalks and perhaps the sound of one or two cars passing by on a nearby freeway. Or the sound of a train...I heard the sound of a train a few months ago. I can't place it now, but i like the sound of trains.

long day tomorrow...i should get to bed.
christo te ama.

Friday, March 13, 2009

before the cool done run out?

up again. i know i just wrote earlier today, but this is the first time i've been up in front of a computer at 1:25am in awhile and i like it. i feel at peace (after many many moments of agitation just 3 minutes ago - things have to get worse before they get better - i think it's part of the cleansing process).

listening to music until i pass out.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

at least i can end the day well

so...i can't stand the thought of getting up in the morning after spending a whole night dreaming of heartache and "wasted love stories." Alas, the good news is, i think i had a very productive day today. My friend shannon just got back from an entire year in africa and we spent 30 minutes catching up. i took my grandfather to the hospital and was an extremely effective translator. I spent some time at the corner bakery with an entertaining book, a salad, some coffee and an oatmeal raisin cookie. Then, I danced my heart out in ballet. Oh, ran a quick mile this morning before taking pop pop to the doctor's. yay for sweating. Hmm....came home, washed the car and thought about how much i love doing things that my dad loves to do. I had him help me shine my rims which was too much fun. I should not be so easily pleased or entertained. Spent nearly an hour talking to my uncle about the possibility of putting my dad through another surgery. Made amazing spaghetti for dinner with dad and chi nhan who has become like an older sister. she immigrated here from Vietnam not too long ago. Made a smoothie for grandpa because all he's really consumed these past two years is ensure milk. talked to my sister for 30 minutes or listen her talk about the "nastiness" at the rock church which was hard to hear. And now...i think i'm going out to the movies. whew.

made it. now, thoughts? my head hurts from thinking too much. I don't want to wake up as depressed as i have been, but i can't seem to shake off the heartache. it's starting to make me angry or at least confused. oh i just shouldn't talk about it anymore. I forget what it is like to wake up and to take a deep refreshing breath of life and smile. Legitimately smile. europeans, especially, russians think smiling is a sign of foolishness (according to npr). americans smile at home and in public because americans think changing their persona is wrong or something like that...perhaps that goes along with the idea of being true to yourself...except being true does not mean being constant in an emotion. If ever I am sad or if i don't smile, that should not cause as much concern as it does; it shouldn't be considered so abnormal.

other thoughts today that crossed my mind (instigated by npr): people who have lost a sense of culture because of war <- that is a sad reality to come against. i hope in our economic climate that we do not cut off what makes us full of culture and spirit.

hmm...holy spirit, annoint me and guide me. my shoulders are tense. i am burnt out, but there has gotsta be a reason.

love. love. love.

buenas noches. au-shawn-te?

Saturday, March 7, 2009

more to this...

i have got to stop writing only when i feel a heavy burden on my heart. I so desperately need someone that I can talk to, but I run around with my head cut off and end up everywhere. I feel like i've taken one too many breaths today. Dad and I are going to spend some time at the apt gym and we did spend 2 hours at the guacamole cook off in balboa park. I haven't been to balboa park in a very long time. It was nice.

I think it's mostly me not wanting to deal with everyone's financial situations. How can I really help. At some point, i'm sure i have to not want to escape so badly. Life is dragging on a bit. I know it will pick up...just one of those days.

Friday, February 27, 2009

waiting for no one

it looks like we're going in for surgery again. this time under a clinical trial for immunotherapy. it seems promising and for this i will praise the lord. although frustrations have reached their peak today with my dad refusing to take his medication and to go to speech therapy. i want to punch a wall and i'm only slightly sarcastic when i say this, but i wanted to get into an all out brawl with my dad earlier this morning. what does that say about me?

as for the calm after the storm, someone (unknowingly) lead me to this spanish song and i'm in love (with the song). i think for my birthday, i'll finally splurge the $12 for Pablo Neruda's Love Poems.

ME ROBASTE EL CORAZONTE ADUENASTE DE MI VIDADE TUS LABIOS BROTAN MIELY TU DULCE VOZ ME ARRUYA//You stole my heartYou took hold of my lifeThe honey springs from your lips and your sweet voice lull me (cradle me)CORO I//ES HERMOSO ESTAR DORMIDOCON EL CORAZON DESPIERTOES TAN AGRADARTE VERTEY TAN DULCE ESCUCHAR//It's beautiful to be asleepwith the heart awakeit's so pleasant to see youand so sweet to listen to youCORO IITU SOLO TUESPERANZA AMADO MIOESTAS EN LOS COLORESDE LAS ROSAS QUE FLORECENESTAS EN MIS CANCIONESEN EL VIENTO Y EL MAROnly you, your hope, my love,you are in the colorsof the blomming rosesyou are in my songsin the wind and in the sea//ME ROBASTE EL CORAZONAUNQUE YO QUEDE EN EL OLVIDOY ME GUSTA ESTAR ASICON EL CORAZON ENAMORADO DE TI//You stole my heartEven though I fell into oblivionI like to be like thatWith my heart in love with you

father, let me surrender my heart to you. "be still and know that i am god."

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

another day

I haven't written much here lately so I thought, it's about time. Although there either isn't much to report on or there is plenty and i can't distill it into today's posting. Who knows. I took my dad to his follow-up appointment at the radiation oncologist and as he was getting out of the car, he fell to his knee catching himself on the door frame but I am pretty sure for a split second he lost consciousness and was trembling. i yelled for help in the middle of the parking lot which was quite an experience. no one seemed to have heard me. Next time i have to remember to yell fire. Other than that, the appointment was uneventful and both our oncologist and radiation oncologist is deferring to our neurosurgeon.

fine. eric just asked how my day was going and i told him, I am wondering why i cannot hear god's voice or feel his presence right now, but i can feel a lot of pain. I just feel the weight of the world and everyone is hurting in some way.

I have two interviews scheduled for med school. not bad considering i have only submitted 1 and 1/2 applications. yeah, i think i'm patting myself on the back. thanks be to god, right? I know. you're here... i just can't feel you.

my dear dear friend zack bought himself a something terrier (a pit bull) and he is beautiful! I have a picture on my phone. i'll post it next time. We, zack and I, also went to see the phantom of the opera because Hoa won tickets from a radio station but couldn't go because she was in vegas this past weekend. It was in-freakin-credible. I now understand why it has had the longest running time on broadway. Though i have to admit, in the middle of all this turmoil, watching a broadway play did not seem appropriate. the tickets were worth $77/each. we had great seats.

and i was invited to the Living Room on El Cajon to study. I'm stoked i've found a coffee shop that is not starbucks in San Diego. I know there are many more, but I haven't had too many opportunities to explore.

no surfing recently :(
still dancing nearly every other day - i think i'm feeling my limitations - and have to do some serious stretching. ahh, and i might be able to go to africa for a week, but i don't want to get ahead of myself. We'll see what the lord has in mind. Okay, so i can't feel you and i can't hear you, but i am expected to know you have plans for me. i know it will take shape somehow.

in christ.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

4vm'9

a random stroke, hands pressed against laptop keys, forgive me for writing right now, it doesn't seem fair to put such nonsense online to waste time, but i can't sleep and if this blog is about searching my heart. this is where my heart is - ensconced in fear but somehow hopeful that there will be a better day.

let's see, what am i afraid of?
being alone
being alone in medical school cutting up dead bodies for the sake of science, for the sake of anything actually, the thought of cutting into flesh gives me chills.
the smell of formaldehyde in a cold room with dead bodies, alone.
long hours of practicing medicine in between white hospital walls.
that even through all of this, somehow, medicine is not for me. my burden is for those who are homeless because i don't believe anyone should be without a home, a loving family, a brother and sister in christ. yes, i know, i want to lead a nonprofit into something that is no longer necessary. but i can't forsake my passion for wanting to understand the human body. i am certain god himself created it and it is darn near perfect. i can't shake my desire to want to know why someone is sick and to maybe even help heal the person. somehow.
i am not afraid of not finding love. i just had to ask myself that right now. i know LOVE and i know just where to rest in it.
oh - yeah - i am deathly afraid of losing my father. i can't sleep but i don't know what to do. PRAY. I am praying. God! I am not afraid of sleep. My sister says we have lost him already, that we lost him a long time ago. I am afraid to be selfish. The person who fixed my shoes said that his mom has alzheimers. My dad can't remember how to drive. His mother can't remember his name.
I guess if you asked me and it truly came down to it, i would have to say that i am not really afraid of all of these things, but then father, how do i live right now?

Date: TUES, FEB 17, 2009 Time: 3:04a.m.
simply. the simple way - that makes sense. good night.

Monday, February 16, 2009

wake up call

last night, in my dreams, i found myself in the pits of hell. it was a very scary place. Although I can't shake the images of what went on in that nightmare ("when you dream, you are in heaven, when you have a nightmare, you are in hell" - pastor miles) out of my head - let's just say there was lasciviousness and death, I felt a sense of relief. It was a relief because i knew God was still with me and he was willing to let the devil stir these hellish images into an unbelievable reality so that I can say, God, you are real and you are the only God that can save me.

I cried out to the Lord because i know that in these past few months i've failed to obey a god that loves me and a god that i know is real. I was also reminded that a spiritual battle is raging on and souls are either being won or lost to christ through us. I was reminded to intercede for my friends and strangers who are hurting, who are fighting a good fight, who have not come to know you. Praise HIM.

submit. obey.
action.

Friday, February 13, 2009

at some point in american history, did we let government take away parent(s)' rights and responsibility? setting the standard age for being able to drink alcohol for instance. that's not a great example, but one nonetheless. I am reading a book about the medieval times and a seven year old girl runs up to her dad to ask if she could have a sip of his beer. as a father, he gets to tell her, "only a sip or she'll fall in ditch (i'm paraphrasing), but the point is, he gets to teach her what is right and wrong, not the state or the nation's government.

governments and people in power often get to a point where they (with exceptions), think they should have more power and more control, but a small government can't manage the control of millions of families and when parents lost control, we made room for moral chaos. just a thought.

i don't remember where i heard this, maybe from a tv commercial or from "he is just not that into you": "a wasted love story." it's just intrigues me for whatever reason. I kind of like the poetic justice that it brings to relationships that don't work. anyway, i'd actually like to talk more about the movie. my friend Eric says that he caught himself getting angry at the narrator of the story because the guy was giving away all of his secrets (e.g. on how to casually say goodbye to a girl you don't want to see again). Are there some universal truths to that book/movie? I was hoping for a philosophical, perhaps miserable ending, but it was another romantic comedy...i guess because we ultimately want a happy ending (and that ending, i'm sure of, is at least in heaven).

Thursday, February 5, 2009

finding my voice

sike - i can't sing...but i like trying. everything takes practice right? i wish i could write more on any particular subject. I'm just as the shirt i've been wearing says i am, scattered brain.

today, i find myself on a passion high. I woke up refreshed and ready. so, like any fit of progress or productivity, i enjoy riding the wave, but how do you sustain that and carry the weight of obedience at length? Does that make sense? Can one sit still and be in a constant, sustainable passion? Sustainable peace? Surely, god you have not forsaken me, but i have ignored your voice. So, what's next? What's on for today?

I had some music to wake me up today and i think they'll forever, intermittently, excite something inside of me:
Des'ree - you gotta be
John Mayor - waiting on the world to change

"now we see everything that's going wrong with the world and those who lead it we just feel like we don't have the means to rise above and beat it so we keep waiting waiting on the world to change we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change" - a constant call to not wait. to DO.

"Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Reading the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my, heh, hey

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiserYou gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be strongerYou gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay togetherAll I know, all I know, love will save the day" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES...just bolder, stronger, wiser - that is empowerment.

peace.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

almost there, i swear it.

give me a couple more hours and i think i'll have a solid outline for my second and possibly final essay for D.O. school. so, that's exciting news but i thought i'd throw a question of the day out there:

how do you convince someone that has been given a death sentence by man, that each and every day before that time is worth living, and living well for God?

on another note, keep your fingers crossed for me, i may be hitting some san diego waves today. Bradley?? i can't seem to get my board =(

la vida dulce.

Friday, January 30, 2009

just kidding, i can't dance.

ha. i just went to my first ever dance audition (after one day of introductory ballet) and then bought lunch from 7/11 so i can't go for a swim, but i get to love life enough to write that i couldn't follow any of the choreography for the life of me. it was an experience. i think i'll be living vicariously through my kids as i fully intend on putting them in dance class when 1) i have kids and 2) before they can walk =)

but angie - thanks for the ballet shoes. maybe i can try out again in 10 years.

love.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

what's your thing?

i had to write because i just got really excited about something and i couldn't express it via med school essay which is still a work in progress. it has to be done by the end of this week... crap. eh, we will see what happens. if any admission counselors are reading this, i really do want to become a bonafide doctor. People keep telling me there is no money in it anymore. How do you tell them you don't care? I could care less how much I make, I just want to learn the skills and use it to help. it's so simple.

that was tangential. I had my first ballet class today. it's been at least 10 years since i've been in a leotard and tights and everyone, including myself, finds it strange. i wasn't comfortable wearing my dance clothes until I left the locker room and found a line of girls and two boys, along the wall waiting for our dance instructor, all wearing tights. It felt like middle school all over again and I could not stop smiling; i mean, to be in middle school again would be something else.

so there we were, black leotard, pink tights...except mine were tan, i missed the first class and apparently missed what color tights i needed. After some much needed stretching and some french movements, the instructor came up to me and asked to see me after class. what the heck have i done? was she going to ask me to join the intermediate class? whoa. haha...i'm not that good. She asked me to audition for her dance. I was stoked. seriously? it felt as good as catching those waves in hawaii, which by the way, gave me some of the best feelings ever. And to think, it will be even better when i meet God.

So I will be auditioning for her dance on Friday. It wouldn't matter if i didn't get a part, i'm just amped about trying out for a dance ensemble. it takes balls to try out for something and i've always wanted to do it. as for the bottom line, i've been talking to my friends about having something to call your own. I still want to work on the photography and maybe sketching. i tried music. it was a bad idea; though sometimes, i think in my head that i can do it. so, maybe i can have dance. We'll throw in surfing too just for good measure =).

i wished i had photos to show you guys of my surf sessions. the irony perhaps was that my surf sessions was with a new friend named brandon. oh chuckles.

breathing.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

wasting time, again?

just realized it's been awhile since i've written anything... i'm just praying that I will spend more time in prayer... God, i want to understand your heart, I want to ask and to obey you by faith EVERY SINGLE DAY.

help me serve you and to show my dad the happiness and peace that only your eternal grace and everlasting promises can bring.

if we live everyday without regret, what does that look like? how do you not waste seconds/time? what's this path that you have outlined for my life?

Monday, January 12, 2009

preach it pastor...

oh my!

From God's Smuggler (somewhere between self-help and new bibles in my sister's bookshelf)...
i love it and came across some gems ;)

uno - "Time and place are our own limitations, Andy; we mustn't impose them upon God."

dos (some questions i've been asking too) - The pray through: "What is it, Lord?" What am i holding back? What am I using as an excuse for not serving You in whatever You want me to do?"...I prayed through coffee-and-cigar hour, right through sunday afteroon, and on into the evening.

"lord, if you will show me the way, I will follow you."

buenas noches.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

word of the day

unsuccessfully studying for the GRE's -

jettison:to discard; to get rid of as unneccessary or encumbering.
jettison my not-so-fun thoughts?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

i lie to myself

the same way that problems can't be resolved within 30 second commercials... the way my heart hurts for you hasn't gone away. I wish it was a matter of strength, but it's more a matter of fact that i can still taste you on my lips. i hear music and it breathes life into something that doesn't exist anymore and i want to punch the wall, hide my head under a pillow, but i can't get away from you.

just let me get over this..........

looking for sleep.