waiting for no one

it looks like we're going in for surgery again. this time under a clinical trial for immunotherapy. it seems promising and for this i will praise the lord. although frustrations have reached their peak today with my dad refusing to take his medication and to go to speech therapy. i want to punch a wall and i'm only slightly sarcastic when i say this, but i wanted to get into an all out brawl with my dad earlier this morning. what does that say about me?

as for the calm after the storm, someone (unknowingly) lead me to this spanish song and i'm in love (with the song). i think for my birthday, i'll finally splurge the $12 for Pablo Neruda's Love Poems.

ME ROBASTE EL CORAZONTE ADUENASTE DE MI VIDADE TUS LABIOS BROTAN MIELY TU DULCE VOZ ME ARRUYA//You stole my heartYou took hold of my lifeThe honey springs from your lips and your sweet voice lull me (cradle me)CORO I//ES HERMOSO ESTAR DORMIDOCON EL CORAZON DESPIERTOES TAN AGRADARTE VERTEY TAN DULCE ESCUCHAR//It's beautiful to be asleepwith the heart awakeit's so pleasant to see youand so sweet to listen to youCORO IITU SOLO TUESPERANZA AMADO MIOESTAS EN LOS COLORESDE LAS ROSAS QUE FLORECENESTAS EN MIS CANCIONESEN EL VIENTO Y EL MAROnly you, your hope, my love,you are in the colorsof the blomming rosesyou are in my songsin the wind and in the sea//ME ROBASTE EL CORAZONAUNQUE YO QUEDE EN EL OLVIDOY ME GUSTA ESTAR ASICON EL CORAZON ENAMORADO DE TI//You stole my heartEven though I fell into oblivionI like to be like thatWith my heart in love with you

father, let me surrender my heart to you. "be still and know that i am god."

another day

I haven't written much here lately so I thought, it's about time. Although there either isn't much to report on or there is plenty and i can't distill it into today's posting. Who knows. I took my dad to his follow-up appointment at the radiation oncologist and as he was getting out of the car, he fell to his knee catching himself on the door frame but I am pretty sure for a split second he lost consciousness and was trembling. i yelled for help in the middle of the parking lot which was quite an experience. no one seemed to have heard me. Next time i have to remember to yell fire. Other than that, the appointment was uneventful and both our oncologist and radiation oncologist is deferring to our neurosurgeon.

fine. eric just asked how my day was going and i told him, I am wondering why i cannot hear god's voice or feel his presence right now, but i can feel a lot of pain. I just feel the weight of the world and everyone is hurting in some way.

I have two interviews scheduled for med school. not bad considering i have only submitted 1 and 1/2 applications. yeah, i think i'm patting myself on the back. thanks be to god, right? I know. you're here... i just can't feel you.

my dear dear friend zack bought himself a something terrier (a pit bull) and he is beautiful! I have a picture on my phone. i'll post it next time. We, zack and I, also went to see the phantom of the opera because Hoa won tickets from a radio station but couldn't go because she was in vegas this past weekend. It was in-freakin-credible. I now understand why it has had the longest running time on broadway. Though i have to admit, in the middle of all this turmoil, watching a broadway play did not seem appropriate. the tickets were worth $77/each. we had great seats.

and i was invited to the Living Room on El Cajon to study. I'm stoked i've found a coffee shop that is not starbucks in San Diego. I know there are many more, but I haven't had too many opportunities to explore.

no surfing recently :(
still dancing nearly every other day - i think i'm feeling my limitations - and have to do some serious stretching. ahh, and i might be able to go to africa for a week, but i don't want to get ahead of myself. We'll see what the lord has in mind. Okay, so i can't feel you and i can't hear you, but i am expected to know you have plans for me. i know it will take shape somehow.

in christ.

4vm'9

a random stroke, hands pressed against laptop keys, forgive me for writing right now, it doesn't seem fair to put such nonsense online to waste time, but i can't sleep and if this blog is about searching my heart. this is where my heart is - ensconced in fear but somehow hopeful that there will be a better day.

let's see, what am i afraid of?
being alone
being alone in medical school cutting up dead bodies for the sake of science, for the sake of anything actually, the thought of cutting into flesh gives me chills.
the smell of formaldehyde in a cold room with dead bodies, alone.
long hours of practicing medicine in between white hospital walls.
that even through all of this, somehow, medicine is not for me. my burden is for those who are homeless because i don't believe anyone should be without a home, a loving family, a brother and sister in christ. yes, i know, i want to lead a nonprofit into something that is no longer necessary. but i can't forsake my passion for wanting to understand the human body. i am certain god himself created it and it is darn near perfect. i can't shake my desire to want to know why someone is sick and to maybe even help heal the person. somehow.
i am not afraid of not finding love. i just had to ask myself that right now. i know LOVE and i know just where to rest in it.
oh - yeah - i am deathly afraid of losing my father. i can't sleep but i don't know what to do. PRAY. I am praying. God! I am not afraid of sleep. My sister says we have lost him already, that we lost him a long time ago. I am afraid to be selfish. The person who fixed my shoes said that his mom has alzheimers. My dad can't remember how to drive. His mother can't remember his name.
I guess if you asked me and it truly came down to it, i would have to say that i am not really afraid of all of these things, but then father, how do i live right now?

Date: TUES, FEB 17, 2009 Time: 3:04a.m.
simply. the simple way - that makes sense. good night.

wake up call

last night, in my dreams, i found myself in the pits of hell. it was a very scary place. Although I can't shake the images of what went on in that nightmare ("when you dream, you are in heaven, when you have a nightmare, you are in hell" - pastor miles) out of my head - let's just say there was lasciviousness and death, I felt a sense of relief. It was a relief because i knew God was still with me and he was willing to let the devil stir these hellish images into an unbelievable reality so that I can say, God, you are real and you are the only God that can save me.

I cried out to the Lord because i know that in these past few months i've failed to obey a god that loves me and a god that i know is real. I was also reminded that a spiritual battle is raging on and souls are either being won or lost to christ through us. I was reminded to intercede for my friends and strangers who are hurting, who are fighting a good fight, who have not come to know you. Praise HIM.

submit. obey.
action.

at some point in american history, did we let government take away parent(s)' rights and responsibility? setting the standard age for being able to drink alcohol for instance. that's not a great example, but one nonetheless. I am reading a book about the medieval times and a seven year old girl runs up to her dad to ask if she could have a sip of his beer. as a father, he gets to tell her, "only a sip or she'll fall in ditch (i'm paraphrasing), but the point is, he gets to teach her what is right and wrong, not the state or the nation's government.

governments and people in power often get to a point where they (with exceptions), think they should have more power and more control, but a small government can't manage the control of millions of families and when parents lost control, we made room for moral chaos. just a thought.

i don't remember where i heard this, maybe from a tv commercial or from "he is just not that into you": "a wasted love story." it's just intrigues me for whatever reason. I kind of like the poetic justice that it brings to relationships that don't work. anyway, i'd actually like to talk more about the movie. my friend Eric says that he caught himself getting angry at the narrator of the story because the guy was giving away all of his secrets (e.g. on how to casually say goodbye to a girl you don't want to see again). Are there some universal truths to that book/movie? I was hoping for a philosophical, perhaps miserable ending, but it was another romantic comedy...i guess because we ultimately want a happy ending (and that ending, i'm sure of, is at least in heaven).

finding my voice

sike - i can't sing...but i like trying. everything takes practice right? i wish i could write more on any particular subject. I'm just as the shirt i've been wearing says i am, scattered brain.

today, i find myself on a passion high. I woke up refreshed and ready. so, like any fit of progress or productivity, i enjoy riding the wave, but how do you sustain that and carry the weight of obedience at length? Does that make sense? Can one sit still and be in a constant, sustainable passion? Sustainable peace? Surely, god you have not forsaken me, but i have ignored your voice. So, what's next? What's on for today?

I had some music to wake me up today and i think they'll forever, intermittently, excite something inside of me:
Des'ree - you gotta be
John Mayor - waiting on the world to change

"now we see everything that's going wrong with the world and those who lead it we just feel like we don't have the means to rise above and beat it so we keep waiting waiting on the world to change we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change" - a constant call to not wait. to DO.

"Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Reading the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my, heh, hey

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiserYou gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be strongerYou gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay togetherAll I know, all I know, love will save the day" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES...just bolder, stronger, wiser - that is empowerment.

peace.