life is tough.

it just is and yes, i'm searching far and wide, into the crevices of my thoughts and i can't find you. sometimes, i just want to (and sometimes I just do) throw things, and scream at the top of my lungs in silence. what a painful way to scream? who is listening? who is by my side? not for a story, just a shoulder to lean on. i almost want to curse.

anyway, dad, so you love me and you're depressed and life is hard because you were told you would die any day and you feel death's breath on your neck, so you are crippled and in your presence, i feel crippled. somehow, i have to turn the other cheek and pretend the frustration and the anger didn't happen? no. how can i tell you. this love is tough.

my goal: to not be lead by guilt but by pure love. show me how. build me, grow me, mold me.
my other goal: dang it, i should have written it down earlier.

until then, trying to keep away from distractions and to focus. i'm hoping to hear god's voice.