physically strong enough, spiritually weak... near dead?

I have faith things can change at any given time. if something (god?) can work through his heart, his spirit can change. his acceptance of a disease that crippled him can happen. his acceptance of a plan for his life beyond his own ability can happen. i know these things, but if it doesn't?

i can fight with him, i can respect him, i can almost have a conversation with him until he yells NO and Oh God as he chokes up in tears.

I don't know too much about Edward Kennedy other than he was senator and a part of the Kennedy family but I'm reading about him now after the fact, after he dies. how lame is that?

what do i know about my dad?

he worked hard for most of his life, foregoing school so that he could work on the farm while his younger siblings went to school. him and his family escaped from Vietnam near the end of the war (perhaps at the end). Somewhere along the lines, his sister was driving his mom and they got into a car accident that paralyzed his mom. He met my mother at Hoover high school, they made me, and both dropped out of school. or they dropped out before and made me. my mom was 17, he was 20. He went to trade school to become a machinist.

He became one and worked many years for GA, katema, Kyocera. Often taking on two shifts. I saw very little him for a period of time. He loved exploring and taking us out to new places. The circus was one of those one time phenomenons where I saw an elephant poo.

My dad was frugal. He budgetted and saved every penny. He was able to buy the family our first home. I was 8. He supported my mother's nail business and bought several storefronts for the 2 attempts at running her own business... both failed, but they tried. My parents argued often, but also had sex often. At one point, my mom left to another state to do nails. They make more money in other states doing nails.

My dad had an affair. In one year, the marriage ended. He drank and smoke his sorrows away at night. We would argue over so many things. I was a rebellious teenager in some sense of the word. I would apologize. His happiness came from other women but he always cared first for his family. If anyone in his family needed him, he would be there. For my uncle's daughter, he gave her his car and paid for the insurance. For my uncle, he helped to front the insurance for his shop. Whatever was needed, he wanted to see him family succeed.

He didn't talk much to his dad. I suppose that was uncomfortable. To this day, he rarely goes over to see his dad. Oh, my dad had/has the greatest smile. He always smiled and said hi to strangers, but he got mad at me everytime for dancing in the aisles at the grocery store. Reminding me for some reason that i have to contain myself.

bla bla bla right now i can't get him to go to see a doctor. have to ask, why should i become one if patients refuse treatment or the information/care of a doctor that went to school for all those years?

.......... good morning.

pet peeve: paper pushing

just a thought - people should not get paid to do stupid stuff. i generally dislike the concept of middle management etc. a thought: when middle management becomes a position in a company, the company is getting too big.

I question the value of big companies and think that as a society we need to weigh the value of decrease administrative costs to actually helping people do something significant with their lives.

I owe the city of inglewood $100 for a parking ticket ($53 of that is in late fees) and they supposedly can't do anything about it because they didn't get the mail i sent them (without a check) a month ago. something about when the computer adds the fee, they can't change it. is that bs?

i forgot that we have somehow become less than the ability of our computers???!

so in addition to bureaucracy gone bad, i saw blood diamond for the first time and became unbelievably/typically sad and it feels more and more like the world is crumbling all around me. Is it true? Perhaps not but it does give a nice image of the light that christians are supposed to be in this world as it crumbles. forgive me for questioning god and religion, but regardless i think we need more light in this world and more of us need to step up/step out of the dark.

the world is too preposterous without a god/without a living jesus. it takes faith to believe and faith to not believe but certainly the evidence of the truth is all around.

my left eye is hurting because i've been using it too much. my right eye is getting weaker and i'm pretty sure i'll be blind in that eye soon enough. hopefully not before the major earth quake in CA.

are the strange times we are living in any more strange than the generation before us?

is time in a straight line? are we progressing towards something other than blindness and death?

buenas noches.

Hang

finally...a few photos from our first block party

http://picasaweb.google.com/hchau39/BlockPartyKamwood?feat=directlink

goals this year:

1) respect my father

2) motivated by love, not guilt

3) persevere, don't look for quick answers

4) follow through on commitments (especially to make time for friends).

i'm working on hard on those and starting block party sd!

got a few things done today so i'm feeling pretty good.

love,

hang

life is tough.

it just is and yes, i'm searching far and wide, into the crevices of my thoughts and i can't find you. sometimes, i just want to (and sometimes I just do) throw things, and scream at the top of my lungs in silence. what a painful way to scream? who is listening? who is by my side? not for a story, just a shoulder to lean on. i almost want to curse.

anyway, dad, so you love me and you're depressed and life is hard because you were told you would die any day and you feel death's breath on your neck, so you are crippled and in your presence, i feel crippled. somehow, i have to turn the other cheek and pretend the frustration and the anger didn't happen? no. how can i tell you. this love is tough.

my goal: to not be lead by guilt but by pure love. show me how. build me, grow me, mold me.
my other goal: dang it, i should have written it down earlier.

until then, trying to keep away from distractions and to focus. i'm hoping to hear god's voice.

what is wrong with rational debate?

so people who claim to be christians don't always live a christian life, which i have come to believe is made up of love, sacrifice, and sanctification. But why in the world are people with some of the most open minds unwilling to talk about christ? Is the debate truly fair to both sides?

I just saw a trailer for "The God Who Wasn't There," which I am very willing to watch and to process rationally. Can't unbelievers give a fair chance to God's existence?

Faith isn't easy, but we all walk by faith everyday.

anyway, finishing up ladder 49 because my sister just bought 18 dvd's.

love.

old news but memorable: block party san diego's first block party comments from neighbors and invited guests:

"i've been praying for a way to get to know my neighbors." - a resident

"this was a great party." - my little brother

"I'm surprise you got everyone to move their cars."

hmm...nothing exciting, just finished business management class and 2nd semester of ballet. blogging is just a distraction. working (attempting to work) on business plan for block party san diego.

xoxo,

Hang

sigh*

my head was rattling, bursting with thoughts before i sat down in my livingroom, turned on this computer and made small talk with a friend. i couldn't wait to sit down, to write. it's either i'm crazy, or i can hear god's voice or somehow i analyze all of my thoughts. does it make sense? how will it sound on paper or to someone else? is it really anything significant for me, my life, others?

flashing in the toolbar. is that a conversation via gchat? a distraction? a wanted distraction?
just saw the ugly truth and nearly cried during one part of a ROMANTIC COMEDY. seriously? manipulation sells. for a minute, the movie said this is how you get someone to love you back. the ending speaks the truth or just another fairy tale. no i know. i know, i know that love is unexpected.

screw love. i don't mean it. i was doing so well and i am. yesterday and the day before yesterday, i wanted to write about how happy i was to hear a love song, almost any love song because i could only think about god's love. i mean that's what i've been asking for the ability to do. to know true love in god. i used to only be able to think about a boy or boys. whatever.

(no edits) question: do i have a checklist for love? does love sometimes stare you in the face and do you miss it? someone told me that the holy spirit will speak truth and connect you and if it's right, the feeling from the holy spirit will be there. so no i don't really think that love can be staring me in the face and i'm missing it, but i do set expectations? a checklist.

clean. neat. caring. adventurous. loving. after god. bla bla bla. my brain is dead. i had peru organic coffee from the living room cafe today and caffeine and i don't mix too well.

friends - big topic. i love my friends, but when my friends don't believe in my universe: God... shoot something is missing. this big hole that can't ever be filled. that makes me sad.

BUT GOD, YES, that i know: everything is in your hands. so i'm not worried and i'm not really afraid of much, but sometimes this heart hurts.

and empty me??? seriously? how does that work? how do i keep who i am and empty myself. i could barely sing the words today in church.

thank you god. with all my heart (even the parts that i can't understand), thanks dad.

with loving kindness, help me know you more.