4vm'9

a random stroke, hands pressed against laptop keys, forgive me for writing right now, it doesn't seem fair to put such nonsense online to waste time, but i can't sleep and if this blog is about searching my heart. this is where my heart is - ensconced in fear but somehow hopeful that there will be a better day.

let's see, what am i afraid of?
being alone
being alone in medical school cutting up dead bodies for the sake of science, for the sake of anything actually, the thought of cutting into flesh gives me chills.
the smell of formaldehyde in a cold room with dead bodies, alone.
long hours of practicing medicine in between white hospital walls.
that even through all of this, somehow, medicine is not for me. my burden is for those who are homeless because i don't believe anyone should be without a home, a loving family, a brother and sister in christ. yes, i know, i want to lead a nonprofit into something that is no longer necessary. but i can't forsake my passion for wanting to understand the human body. i am certain god himself created it and it is darn near perfect. i can't shake my desire to want to know why someone is sick and to maybe even help heal the person. somehow.
i am not afraid of not finding love. i just had to ask myself that right now. i know LOVE and i know just where to rest in it.
oh - yeah - i am deathly afraid of losing my father. i can't sleep but i don't know what to do. PRAY. I am praying. God! I am not afraid of sleep. My sister says we have lost him already, that we lost him a long time ago. I am afraid to be selfish. The person who fixed my shoes said that his mom has alzheimers. My dad can't remember how to drive. His mother can't remember his name.
I guess if you asked me and it truly came down to it, i would have to say that i am not really afraid of all of these things, but then father, how do i live right now?

Date: TUES, FEB 17, 2009 Time: 3:04a.m.
simply. the simple way - that makes sense. good night.