sigh*

my head was rattling, bursting with thoughts before i sat down in my livingroom, turned on this computer and made small talk with a friend. i couldn't wait to sit down, to write. it's either i'm crazy, or i can hear god's voice or somehow i analyze all of my thoughts. does it make sense? how will it sound on paper or to someone else? is it really anything significant for me, my life, others?

flashing in the toolbar. is that a conversation via gchat? a distraction? a wanted distraction?
just saw the ugly truth and nearly cried during one part of a ROMANTIC COMEDY. seriously? manipulation sells. for a minute, the movie said this is how you get someone to love you back. the ending speaks the truth or just another fairy tale. no i know. i know, i know that love is unexpected.

screw love. i don't mean it. i was doing so well and i am. yesterday and the day before yesterday, i wanted to write about how happy i was to hear a love song, almost any love song because i could only think about god's love. i mean that's what i've been asking for the ability to do. to know true love in god. i used to only be able to think about a boy or boys. whatever.

(no edits) question: do i have a checklist for love? does love sometimes stare you in the face and do you miss it? someone told me that the holy spirit will speak truth and connect you and if it's right, the feeling from the holy spirit will be there. so no i don't really think that love can be staring me in the face and i'm missing it, but i do set expectations? a checklist.

clean. neat. caring. adventurous. loving. after god. bla bla bla. my brain is dead. i had peru organic coffee from the living room cafe today and caffeine and i don't mix too well.

friends - big topic. i love my friends, but when my friends don't believe in my universe: God... shoot something is missing. this big hole that can't ever be filled. that makes me sad.

BUT GOD, YES, that i know: everything is in your hands. so i'm not worried and i'm not really afraid of much, but sometimes this heart hurts.

and empty me??? seriously? how does that work? how do i keep who i am and empty myself. i could barely sing the words today in church.

thank you god. with all my heart (even the parts that i can't understand), thanks dad.

with loving kindness, help me know you more.