nightfall

just hanging out in LA and listening to Jack Johnson. I'm pretty stoked about that. It's a good night. I hope my dad sleeps well tonight.

oh just started a new book by richard bach (i think), the author of johnathan livingston seagull. The book is titled illusions of the messiah or something like that...ha. I like it a lot too.

oh, great news, i had an interview at Western U and i learn in two weeks or so if i'm going to be starting the long, arduous road of becoming a doctor. wow, that would be something else.

filled with wonder tonight.

ode to sweatpants

wow, i'd really like to continue that stream of consciousness. I'm wearing sweatpants right now and i couldn't imagine anything more comfortable. My brain is signaling a mile a minute into some abyss - a pool of thoughts that i can't make out because i won't stop to listen.

it's a sunny day in san diego. that is nice. i took a short breather in my car, parked outside of my house, seat set back, windows down, sun beaming, and breeze chilling, tears rolling. the pain never ends but i can see the sunshine through it all so i am, regardless of this life's roller coaster, comforted.

i can't wait to rest my head tonight, but between managing my father's health and my future, i can't find the time for much else. I am sad that i am not as able to help my brothers right now. as for my mom...we haven't talked in a week. I hope - scratch that - i know God is working and it's okay that i'm not involved right now.

hmm...heartbreak, gosh, it never stops. i've been touting the fact that i'm ready to get married. ha, what a funny concept. I just want to rest my head on someone's shoulder for the rest of my life. THIS that i'm going through right now, the constant heartache has got to be a consequence of my bad decisions. amazing. Still, i praise him. and i'm so thankful for the endless conversations that i can have with the holy spirit that rests in me. I will seek him first...but for now, father, can i find a shoulder to cry on?

my dear heart, i would like to put you away in chains and lock you up so that this pain that we are experiencing does not happen again. the pain is a subtle one, eased by an undercurrent god's love and grace. Maybe i'm learning how to cope????

breathe. can i find a surf partner too? because it looks like a good day for catching waves :)

Fresh air

i know what i need, but i can't seem to make it happen. i'd rather lay here on my floor and ponder the possibility of getting some fresh air and some time alone with God. That voice in my head is telling me to stop running. oy. today was complicated. I think i have some notes for my other blog so peace out.

wake up...

life is good. god is good. end of story.

reminded to not take His life, His grace, His mercy, our security and our freedom in the US for granted (thank you kirk franklin).

God bless.

Lost and Found

I knew there was only one person that could save me and today, I was able to renew my relationship with Him. This weekend has been one of the most fruitful weekends in a long time. I think partially because I have forgotten how glorious it is to have a conversation in the car with the Holy Spirit. I think I have found my peace. Pray now that I can keep Him close and closer.

I also had a chance to catch some good mission beach waves with Mr. Lee and Tarl. It was cold but like Jon says, it's only going to get warmer from here. I took that as a metaphor for life so I have a lot to look forward to.

i was up pretty late last night and i'm sure if i pulled out the computer then, you wouldn't have seen the end of the blog. I forget how nice it is to be up in the middle of the night, in the dark, street lights against empty sidewalks and perhaps the sound of one or two cars passing by on a nearby freeway. Or the sound of a train...I heard the sound of a train a few months ago. I can't place it now, but i like the sound of trains.

long day tomorrow...i should get to bed.
christo te ama.

before the cool done run out?

up again. i know i just wrote earlier today, but this is the first time i've been up in front of a computer at 1:25am in awhile and i like it. i feel at peace (after many many moments of agitation just 3 minutes ago - things have to get worse before they get better - i think it's part of the cleansing process).

listening to music until i pass out.

at least i can end the day well

so...i can't stand the thought of getting up in the morning after spending a whole night dreaming of heartache and "wasted love stories." Alas, the good news is, i think i had a very productive day today. My friend shannon just got back from an entire year in africa and we spent 30 minutes catching up. i took my grandfather to the hospital and was an extremely effective translator. I spent some time at the corner bakery with an entertaining book, a salad, some coffee and an oatmeal raisin cookie. Then, I danced my heart out in ballet. Oh, ran a quick mile this morning before taking pop pop to the doctor's. yay for sweating. Hmm....came home, washed the car and thought about how much i love doing things that my dad loves to do. I had him help me shine my rims which was too much fun. I should not be so easily pleased or entertained. Spent nearly an hour talking to my uncle about the possibility of putting my dad through another surgery. Made amazing spaghetti for dinner with dad and chi nhan who has become like an older sister. she immigrated here from Vietnam not too long ago. Made a smoothie for grandpa because all he's really consumed these past two years is ensure milk. talked to my sister for 30 minutes or listen her talk about the "nastiness" at the rock church which was hard to hear. And now...i think i'm going out to the movies. whew.

made it. now, thoughts? my head hurts from thinking too much. I don't want to wake up as depressed as i have been, but i can't seem to shake off the heartache. it's starting to make me angry or at least confused. oh i just shouldn't talk about it anymore. I forget what it is like to wake up and to take a deep refreshing breath of life and smile. Legitimately smile. europeans, especially, russians think smiling is a sign of foolishness (according to npr). americans smile at home and in public because americans think changing their persona is wrong or something like that...perhaps that goes along with the idea of being true to yourself...except being true does not mean being constant in an emotion. If ever I am sad or if i don't smile, that should not cause as much concern as it does; it shouldn't be considered so abnormal.

other thoughts today that crossed my mind (instigated by npr): people who have lost a sense of culture because of war <- that is a sad reality to come against. i hope in our economic climate that we do not cut off what makes us full of culture and spirit.

hmm...holy spirit, annoint me and guide me. my shoulders are tense. i am burnt out, but there has gotsta be a reason.

love. love. love.

buenas noches. au-shawn-te?

more to this...

i have got to stop writing only when i feel a heavy burden on my heart. I so desperately need someone that I can talk to, but I run around with my head cut off and end up everywhere. I feel like i've taken one too many breaths today. Dad and I are going to spend some time at the apt gym and we did spend 2 hours at the guacamole cook off in balboa park. I haven't been to balboa park in a very long time. It was nice.

I think it's mostly me not wanting to deal with everyone's financial situations. How can I really help. At some point, i'm sure i have to not want to escape so badly. Life is dragging on a bit. I know it will pick up...just one of those days.