Day after

Day after Christmas 

still worthy of thought 

still one to cherish 

perhaps more important still 

one day nearer 

to death and resurrection 

more important because the distractions have subsided 

and we can reflect 

treasure what truly is our gift 

today I saw a rainbow and recognized its value 

in all its glory and beauty 

passing only for some to see 

a message 

of hope? 

like our life which is but a vapor 

fades 

there is hope for wonderous 

beyond 

far far beyond or within 

a wholeness that is meant for each of us 

present 

perfect beauty that exists 

though not quite in full form 

here 

so heaven ward I cast my eyes 

and my spirit flies 

let me be 

who do you think I am

when dreams and that which wakes you up 

understanding 

realizing that you've searched 

but all in the wrong places

"who do you think I am?"

pushing and pushing 

draining all possible confessions of love 

faithfulness

never leaving 

Yet no man can provide

fulfilled promises only within the grace of god

fountain of living water

from within

no man has

no man will 

no man can 

In Him may I lay my burdens

willing to see the answers before me 

realization 

appreciation 

I AM and therefore

I am. 

Awaken to the power within.  

Growing up receiving the constant praises of others, held up as some standard of being and wrecked my brokenness that can be family, tainted by an affair or perhaps multiple, destroyed by the constant search for self not from the holy spirit who feeds your soul but from the world that is chaotic and itself lost, I woke up this morning, heart pounding, conflict laden, soul heavy and yelling at the top of my spirit, "Who do you think I am?" As if I've always been searching for that answer from the world, to say, you are good, you are worth fighting for. And through that, manifested in beautiful and disastrous relationships, from the constant searching and prodding and hoping, rather than allowing god to work and laying at His feet, rather than filling my cup with living water, I was showing my empty cup demanding it be filled. 

Needs

I absolutely love my heart - in all its messiness, in all its tangled fierceness, and it sullen stupor - it is my heart and so long as it is pointing in the direction of Jesus - to always center/re-center toward him - a moral compass - no matter the darkness - I know I will find light.

I don't mind the struggle - how did I get there? I grew up being able to find people who believed in me, nurtured me, who listened to me and appreciated my thoughts and emotions. Many are not so blessed. This didn't happen in my own family necessarily but I did have a rock - my father - through him - I saw a display of all emotions and having been a witness to that - I can say I am better for it.

So now - what am I feeling - distress? fear? hope? anger and frustration? I was going to say I don't understand how I got myself in this situation but I sure 100% do - I didn't listen to my heart - and now in part I feel stuck but in part I feel capable and able to change it. I keep finding hope and light but question if I am making it up.

I hope I raise a child that can trust his instincts; that can love and stand by sadness and to meet somewhere where they are at - but I am afraid that he can't learn that here - because it doesn't happen here - in my home...this makes me sad. I suppose I believe it can and I have seen days and years of damaged turned around by later consistent love and care.

We can do that for people! How amazing is that ability!
I also feel incredible guilt - guilt that I may never share the same level of emotional intimacy or joy with the man I married as I have shared with others in my past. Guilt that he may never experience what this pure joy looks like because I cannot give it or we cannot create it. I am trying right now BUT it is so hard.

Thankful for rain today because I need a good cleansing spirit to wash away my hurt and sins. To identify this burden and then to lay it down as it shapes and morphs into pearls of wisdom and then is given back to me to treasure and move through me and those around me.

I am upset by knowing what I need is emotional connection and feeling my every need slip through cracks because that need is not met and additionally spit upon my glares of distastes or a turned back and blind eye to my tears, my thoughts, my feelings. I feel dismissed and disdained. That single touch, that awkward smile as you walk away, is that enough? that "we will work on it" as you walk away, will it happen? or am I just bidding my time and falling deeper into the ditch we have dug.

No I suppose I don't feel that utterly hopeless - I believe the large deep hole has been made more shallow and I can inhale though I'm still waiting to breathe freely.

Exhale.

victory of health struggles

My patients struggle. I struggle. I don't have diabetes. I don't have a hurt back (at least not anywhere close to what my patients experience). I don't have some autoimmune disease. I am not obese.

But sometimes I eat things and know that I'm eating it because it makes me feel good now but I may regret it later. I eat it out of spite for what I'm experiencing inside of me. I want to stuff my face and my gut so full of processed chemicals or sweet moist chocolate something or rather. I want to drive through McDonald's or Jack in the box and chase away tears and find memories of my past that maybe brought happiness.

So, that struggle sucks. Rather than somehow face some nebulous emotional problem that has no immediate answers, I want to inhale food. So much so that I guess it makes it harder to find the answers and then maybe we hate ourselves a little. Maybe we ask of ourselves to be better. We find a way. We know what works. We try again, we feel good but that goodness is tainted with the next day when we don't do good. We label. We look at labels.

And we say, this isn't enough. But FRIENDS, IT IS enough. The process of finding victories and having them IS ENOUGH. Don't let yourselves be defeated. Is that our problem? We defeat ourselves before we have even tried? COUNT THOSE VICTORIES. CELEBRATE THOSE VICTORIES. WHEN YOU FALL, dust it off, get back on the horse and do it again and Smile BECAUSE you have found it - you are victorious and made to be victorious.