It's nearly 9pm, the day has washed right over me, eyes glazed over from minutes upon minutes of netflix parisian homes, sprinkled with touches of sunshine and gentle bay breezes, but mostly here in front of this screen, perhaps somewhat productive morning among physicians on a screen learning about anxiety and psychotherapy, but between then waking up groggy in the midst of a gut wrenching chase amongst dreams till now, I have had probably hundreds of clicks, between one screen to the next, searching for something, wishing for something, for a minute I was lonely though not alone, broken by vast impassable invisible wall between spouses (?) how odd is that, 3650 days together married and it feels so fragile, could break any moment...my word of the last couple of days is "starter marriage" from Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld...loved it for the romance, wonder if and when and how I can have such a thing as beautiful.
Like strangers passing, only sharing superficial words about the weather; what is that? dreams are too hard to share, because there's no desire to actually know one another; can it be that the dislike is so deep, the chasm too great to overcome?
I say this with my clicks, one letter to the next, words that help heal me because it speaks to me; it is these moments of reflection, at least, you my computer screen, is listening.
