i'm not sure i understand what no means

do i take on more responsibility than i can handle? is their a distinction between not being able to say no and constantly trying to test my limits?

Does sometimes wrapping yourself in the pain of life help you grow out of it more alive, renewed?

Is it okay to not do? if i can only get one or two things done from my list for the day...is that okay to be content with that? i suppose the question is, have i given it my all. did what i accomplish and attempt reflect my passions and talents?

today was an incredibly long day and wonderfully refreshing by the end - when i left the house for the first time without dogs, without dad, without too much on my mind, except for the starry night sky and coming spring breeze.

the dog situation: in nov. my stepmom came home with Jack. i wasn't around. Jack left with my sister and her family. a few days later, and a lot of shady business, Jack was back.
Three days ago, i came home to a second dog, Oreo. She's got curly poodle hair and is probably 11 lbs, maybe less. the next day, i'm in my room, working on Block Party San Diego (not quite where i want it...could use some help), and I hear my stepmom, "Lisa, don't be mad." really? she walks into my room with a 6 week old puppy that fits into the palms of her hands. She has fleas. Her name is Rose (for Jack and Rose from Titanic. Is that even right?). Fleas?

I can't handle it. Do you, rather do I have the time to take care of Your dogs who live in our hosue? Not really. And six weeks nonetheless. She needs potty training. Dear!

Rose leaves for the night, doesn't stay with us. Okay, i think to myself, we might be able to handle two dogs. Dad seems okay with the idea of two dogs. Except, we take care of dad too.
Next day, I'm hanging out with the dogs because who can leave doggy eyes alone? Doorbell rings...maybe it is the nurses aid to help me bathe my dad. nope, it was my stepmother's sister with Rose. Flea Free. Great, smells okay, but pretty potent and certainly somewhat toxic.

whew. I call Ben to come hang out with the dogs. He likes dogs and maybe it will be that much more bearable. Rose is adorable. she sleeps on me and she's so tiny. She's got puppy dog eyes! My stepmom rings the doorbell?! She takes Rose and their are two pre-teenage girls in her car. They're taking the Rose. ok, i can handle that. I have puppy dog eyes. Except it's great, i can't take care of her anyway.

Who are those girls?
"You know, my sister's boyfriend's sister. They're taking the dog for a couple of days because of the flea medicine. they'll wash her etc."
Next day, Rose is back?!!

Fine. Today...I'm up at 4am, clean my dad, and try to study, then back to bed. Up at 7, maybe 8. Dad's not ready to get up, thank goodness. I walk all three to the dog park. it takes forever. Oreo is sweet as heck, but she's not used to walking and people coming so she barks. I can handle that. No! Shhh! does the trick. she's better. Skittish around other dogs, but she'll do fine and she's much more cuddly than Jack, which is kinda nice. It must be a girl thing.

Since Rose is too young to be around the dogs, one of the dog owners at the park helps me zip up my Pink Love jacket and Rose tucks herself inside. It was amazing! but I felt the pang of responsibility that I didn't ask for and could truly do without while simultaneously desiring that I could handle it ALL.

1. take care of dogs, watch them grow up and be awesome!
2. take care of dad, watch him get healthier and better!
3. take care of school, study and love being a doctor.
4. take care of block parties and ministry because community is important and it's fun.
5. take care of this running business...half marathon nonsense...except it's nice to run and to feel that breeze at night and i'm working on discipline this year. help me do that!

love,

Hang

living giving/life defeating

if i really looked at all of my decisions, i bet i would find 10s if not hundreds of regularly contradicting choices.

on the basic end of the spectrum, i want to be healthy, but i eat pizza, chips, ice cream cake, lots of snacks (that's not all i eat, but you know what i mean). i'm trying to train for a 1/2 marathon and on the other, i'm eating things that weigh me down.

on a different side, is the matter of sustaining life or wishing it to end. the back and forth causes distress and our decisions reflect it. i guess this is where god's grace/mercy/power come in - that no matter how much we mess up in our decisions - he's there to forgive and offer redemption. it is not by works, but by faith.

sometimes my dad doesn't want to eat and for a split second, we think maybe it's better that he doesn't, maybe he is about to reach the end so we don't force the issue. in the next moment, he takes food, we offer and he takes and it feels so nice, but he hurts all over his body. we stop the medicine, the putting extra herbs in his food/drink because maybe he does need to go and he doesn't really want it anyway, but when actually faced with an opportunity to eat the right stuff (stuff he likes in manageable amounts and cut up in little pieces so it doesn't overwhelm him) he'll take it, so the herbs come back, the sneaking of extra healthy stuff comes back.

it's hard to advocate for someone that can't communicate with you and it's hard when what is best in your mind fluctuates. so, 1) you have to accept you're not always going to make the right decisions for that person 2) you advocate for his life and his return to health ... no matter the circumstance? if return is posssible? but who says when return is possible or not? who says it will end this year or 10 years from now?

love. obedience.

state of daddy

it has been a little while since i wrote so since i'm here in the room waiting for my dad to take his medication, i figured i'd write about where he is... 16 months after his diagnosis.

relatively stable
more incontinent or at least he won't give us any warning of when it's coming.
he can't walk. he isn't able to move the right side of his body very well.
his arm has been out of commission since the fall.
his head leans to the left and he doesn't have much of a turning radius.
he's been refusing medication.
temperamental as always, but much more subdued today.
i'm doing my best to make sure he gets his anti-seizure meds. we were taking it twice a day, 750mg tablets, and since his refusal - over the past two weeks - i've convinced him to take it once a day so that we don't go into a last mal-seizure which i think is highly probable.

i still believe he can walk again, but he has to have heart and determination. he has to have resolve and believe that there is a reason for living.

he spends most of his day in bed, but will get up into the wheelchair (well, if i have the strength to get him into it against his will). i'm pretty sure it is good for him to not lay in bed all day.

his right leg has loss a lot of function and is tightening up from lack of blood flow (my guess anyway) so he will scream in pain (level 5 out of 10) if moved. almost like pre rigor mortis.

i'm asking anyone who reads this blog to pray for his resolve/determination to walk again and faith that there is a purpose in all of this.

i've finally come to a point where i feel comfortable with the way i'm managing my emotions/and his health.

thanks for listening. hope this blog helps someone/somebody.

Love,

Hang