Needs

I absolutely love my heart - in all its messiness, in all its tangled fierceness, and it sullen stupor - it is my heart and so long as it is pointing in the direction of Jesus - to always center/re-center toward him - a moral compass - no matter the darkness - I know I will find light.

I don't mind the struggle - how did I get there? I grew up being able to find people who believed in me, nurtured me, who listened to me and appreciated my thoughts and emotions. Many are not so blessed. This didn't happen in my own family necessarily but I did have a rock - my father - through him - I saw a display of all emotions and having been a witness to that - I can say I am better for it.

So now - what am I feeling - distress? fear? hope? anger and frustration? I was going to say I don't understand how I got myself in this situation but I sure 100% do - I didn't listen to my heart - and now in part I feel stuck but in part I feel capable and able to change it. I keep finding hope and light but question if I am making it up.

I hope I raise a child that can trust his instincts; that can love and stand by sadness and to meet somewhere where they are at - but I am afraid that he can't learn that here - because it doesn't happen here - in my home...this makes me sad. I suppose I believe it can and I have seen days and years of damaged turned around by later consistent love and care.

We can do that for people! How amazing is that ability!
I also feel incredible guilt - guilt that I may never share the same level of emotional intimacy or joy with the man I married as I have shared with others in my past. Guilt that he may never experience what this pure joy looks like because I cannot give it or we cannot create it. I am trying right now BUT it is so hard.

Thankful for rain today because I need a good cleansing spirit to wash away my hurt and sins. To identify this burden and then to lay it down as it shapes and morphs into pearls of wisdom and then is given back to me to treasure and move through me and those around me.

I am upset by knowing what I need is emotional connection and feeling my every need slip through cracks because that need is not met and additionally spit upon my glares of distastes or a turned back and blind eye to my tears, my thoughts, my feelings. I feel dismissed and disdained. That single touch, that awkward smile as you walk away, is that enough? that "we will work on it" as you walk away, will it happen? or am I just bidding my time and falling deeper into the ditch we have dug.

No I suppose I don't feel that utterly hopeless - I believe the large deep hole has been made more shallow and I can inhale though I'm still waiting to breathe freely.

Exhale.