it keeps hurting so much

every friday and saturday now i spend my entire day with my dad, except for the occassional saturday block party. i try to be "productive" - whatever that looks like - but i end up bumbling around, nothing complete, little accomplished. words of encouragment go into one ear and out the next. his arm stays motionless. please dad, you move your hand now. you can do it. that's it, take a step. then i recount the steps, diagnosis, surgery, doing okay, another surgery, good, good, hospital. not good. recover? please?!! no. he's stuck. i feel stuck.

i wonder if i'm crying more because it feels so helpless or because when i reach out for a shoulder to cry on...i don't know where to turn. i also wonder what it would be like if they never got a divorce. if instead of having to drive 30 minutes to get to my mom, i can just turn around, walk into the other room and say mommy, hold me.

i don't really know what i need to do; just crying because i know tomorrow will come and i'll at least face it. and monday will come and i'll have to go to work.

that's my story today.

replay

not good enough...
damn, what happened this year? why did i wait to talk to him? was it the endless hours of research and finding the best surgeon or the endless hours of tv that i wallow(ed) in? because now...he can't talk and he can't tell me how he feels without anger and name calling. it hurts and then it doesn't. god, i'm so incredibly blessed to have a home, to have some friends, food, everything i need.

my dad is angry and detached because he thinks its the easiest thing for everyone. he doesn't want anyone to see him like this (possibly to remember him like this - sick and hurting); i can't change him.

in my own anger, i slammed the door on my fingers today and it looks pretty gnarly. some bruising and dried blood now. crazy eh?

goodnight.

addicted to television

i'm addicted to hulu tv and it's really bad, but i realized that i can't stop watching (outside of any mind altering hypnosis) because i love the instant satisfaction of happiness. i am addicted to happy endings.