traveling, traversing...

it must be me...am i not good at this thing called traveling? haha traveling and blogging via a spanish keyboard. or can i possibly ever blame my traveling partners, comraderies, etc.

i love to travel. i love to see the world in a different light, the blazing deceitful sun of bogota, the unarming people of vietnam, the lack of a social smile but the genuine character of indigenous people, the roaring waters of a different sea, the sweet cold chill of maine lakes, the love of friends, the joy of meeting and mingling, the spirit of sun setting. So, why is it so difficult to find peace? have i truly found god or am i alone? or like life, there are endless things to learn. so today`s struggle is no different than yesterday`s...different characters, different actors, same stage, same lesson. same same but different. or am i at a better place? have i learned and now am i learning more? can i undermine where i have been...that seems silly enough, of course i can´t. we are our past, but of course we are always more, we are our today.

so, what is the same, anger sucks. meanness sucks. elements that consume your thoughts and suck you into a deep dark place sucks. god doesn´t suck. talking to god always rocks. his peace is brilliant. he is sal de la tierra y sol del mundo.

gracias colombia para hoy.

found poem

my lovely dear
no rash decisions - made w/out though - scratch that - just prayer and petition
You, Father, knows what's best
I defer wholly to Your wisdom
who i am supposed to be with
and where I will go
no need for answers and details of the life to come
just the next step is all
you give as much as you please
at first i though of writing a poem
about love but all that came out
was menat soley for you
so here are my burdens
my father and where he needs to be
my friend and who he is in my life
the rest and where it will end
i wait for you
Father, shall i fast and pray and for
how long? of what?
you are my every delight. my only clarity and saving grace.
i know when your spirit moves through me
and when - no way - can it be of my own
all i have is yours
and all you have is mine
because you died and layer yourself on the cross
our sins to paid
what more can i say. thank you.
will you guide me the rest of the way?

working on an engagement or a marriage feels right...always does because you know you are working toward something that is supposed to be permanent, a lot like working toward heaven and eternal life. though no work can make it perfect, the striving and the effort is enough.

so in so many ways, this feels so right. to start over, to redo, and to say that this is it...this is what i will work on and towards for my entire life --- allowing the time and the space for God to work -- to make sure that his hand is directing and guiding. If we jump and it isn't onto a soft cloud to cushion our fall, then pray still, that God can redirect. Before I jump again, God, speak to me and let me know i'm jumping in the right direction.

love without chemistry

is it possible to be so completely in love with someone, mutually, without being compatible? I've struggled so much with that question over the past several months. As far as I can tell right now, the answer to that is no. No because when you completely love someone, and you both choose to give of yourself to the other person, you find the compatibility where the compatibility doesn't exist and you bring out the things that do work. The problem is, we don't all love like this, that game of give and take when a new relationship is forming gives us that room to breathe and love, but rarely do we automatically love so deeply.

if all of the bible hinges on our ability to love god and to love our neighbors as ourselves (because God knows just how much we love ourselves)...then love is hardly about compatibility and more about giving ourselves completely. For God so love the world, that He gave his only begotten son. And when a man loves a women, it should be as God loves the church, ready to lay down his life.

Oh bizarre...I haven't been on for awhile and blogspot got a makeover! I'm impressed, confused, but impressed. A couple notes from church (from a broken hearted, middle of med school, pre-exam anxious, probably underlying stress, wondering what to do after spending two years in a classroom as a kind of adult):

Why am I captivated by movies: B/c we can see into someone else's life - we're surrounded by strangers and no one willing to live life with you. Is having someone live life with you important? okay, well i can't make the rest of the note, so i guess it will have to end here. I'm really writing this down for me so...i've got some poems and things I wouldn't mind putting out there for the few random people that run across this blog.

As always, I hope to be an open book, but I am learning to be a little more careful about where I open up my heart. <3. I do wish sometimes things were as easy as right and wrong, but emotions can get so complicated. my friend J. made a comment about feeling two completely opposite feelings at the same time and how explaining that to someone just seems silly and difficult; at least we got to share in that moment.

Now...i am going to come up with a study plan so that i can become a licensed physician. Go.

been awhile, what's new

finishing up second year...nearly. Just a couple more hurdles to jump and a process to enjoy. Life's been bittersweet. Finally feeling centered today and I'm basking in His glory. Ha, shower, wine, updates, facebook, and maybe a little studying to top it off.

Thinking good thoughts does a lot for the soul.