lean on me?

topics that are striking my curiousity:

- cultural barriers
- fear and faith
- fellowship and genuine friendships and their barriers
- truly letting go and letting god
- a constant concern for finding truth that leads to building of false barriers?
- and for fun, why can't i sing?

it was a hard day.

su hi vong, this thing called hope

i don't think i realized how important hope it is. where do you put your hope? is your hope set in eternity? or is it finite with limitations and infallible let downs?

Cancer, I don't like you very much.

some 1/2 million people will be diagnosed with cancer, that's 1/6 of san diego's population. 1/1 will die (thanks for the reminder pastor jamison). what's up god? lead us to a point where we feel like we have nothing left so that we can surrender our lives to you?

sounds good. I'm game, but i still am not fond of this cancer. my grandfather just told me he has liver cancer. great time to preach the gospel i guess. what's next? use me.

love always,

Hang

I am thankful because i can't be miserable

Our hospitality group sends out a weekly prayer list X has cancer, Y is going in for surgery, A has lost a job, B's kids aren't doing too well, and it goes on. My head spins and I can't take it. Where are the positives? So anyway, I am thankful that I feel safe enough to leave my home at night. I am thankful for friends who have stuck around. I am thankful for new relationships. Cheddar Sunchips, though i am tired of them now. Mint chocolate chip ice cream, but i haven't had any in awhile. Bicycles, because i really like riding them but i can't figure out how to work my quick release breaks. a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on tonight. I am thankful that there is a heaven to look forward to.

nothingness of this life

There are far more people in far worst conditions. I cannot complain. I wanted to share a revelation I had yesterday after texting a friend about his not so happy situation. I realized that it is easy to forget for who and why we are living. And to remember but to not live life in that way, with Christ, for Christ, is still more complicated.

I am having a difficult time feeling that this life is more than nothing. There is a deep black hole where my heart is. I am tired today and want to escape the rejection that I feel when my father refuses to get out of bed. Where is the joy and the happiness of his life? How have I allowed his struggles to take away the contentment in my life?

I need to walk by faith. I need to not seek out short lasting adventures and happiness from the world. I am afraid of dying and I am afraid to lose the people that I love. I spent some time with my grandmother yesterday and she had so many questions for me. She also had a strong smile and a healthy 80 year-old asian woman frame. What brings her peace and joy? How did she come to find it?

to live like you were dying

i believe this has been a common thread through most of my recent blogs. that, or boys. no really... life is short and it will catch us by surprise. I am thankful for having a roof over my head. I am thankful that I was able to wake up this morning and have a full functioning body. I am thankful that I was able to drive with my sunroof open so that i could breathe in the san diego air and see the stars that god has put into place.

i want to live without regret. I want to live with His glorious power inside of me.

Dear holy spirit,
please guide and direct my every move. through me, I want my brothers and sisters to see You.
In your HOLY HOLY HOLY name, Jesus Christ. AMEN.

...studying for statistics final on Friday.

...to give is better than to receive (has nothing to do with statistics).

moms and their son's girlfriends

so i spent a part of my day pondering how/why moms don't always like the girls that their son's date. particularly, i pitied myself for many of my past boyfriends' moms did not take an immediate liking towards me. That's a euphemism. "you should keep dating"

there are more stories. no big deal, i love them all nonetheless and hope that mommies around the world are having a warm and fuzzy day. Then i spent the the rest of my 45 minutes with Charley on the beach at sunset cliffs. it was the first time i've laid on the beach all year and it was nothing short of fabulous.

i should be more elaborate but it's getting late so here's a snapshot:
nice run downtown this morning with charley and his friend rob. went to the hospital for pt with dad. met up with susan for tea and met her mom for lunch at their house. picked up charley and rob. took rob to the airport because he decided to take an earlier flight back to sf. charley and i went to the beach then dropped him off at his grandma's. met up with chad's family for church and just praised god. cried when a little girl sang and three people read letters to their moms. why did i cry? i love my mom. and i know that no matter what happens, however we might fail each other, that love that she has for us is truly a reflection of god's love for us. back to hospital to give step mom a rose (thank you rock church). went over to my sister's to help them clean up the house on soria after a slight altercation about her not being so judgemental. started painting (it's been awhile and was nice. in fact i still have white paint splattered on me. i should shower. should is the operative word. oh my). then josh left. i got scared. prayed like heck. got smart and closed some extra doors around the house and realized the rooms i was painting were pretty high up. later, josh calls me to tell me that their new house was broken into. the thief had taken a few things. it could have been the previous owner of the house. scary. scary how our world's moral foundation continues to break from under us. scary how more and more crimes against each other happen. scary that we don't love each other enough to protect and serve each other so that we don't need to steal. so i'm praying hard. FATHER, I hope you can hear my deepest cries. I hope that we can all be a vessel for you and for your will. i hope that one day we will see ourselves ALL TOGETHER as the body of christ.

ok, then off to mommy. yay!!! this might be embarassing for her (i hope not). i waited outside of the bathroom for 15 minutes until she came out so that i could give her a present and a rose (thanks again rock church). she has lots of questions about how my dad is doing. my entire family does and i try to answer them as best as i can, but she especially does. it's not always easy to be the one to answer these questions. i often give one or two word answers. can i just tape record his status and play it over and over? hmm...not a terrible idea. it (these situations we find ourselves in) cannot be that complicated.

i love my family and i love my friends. i love the people of this world and i'm waiting for the day when all of people's sufferings fade away.

IN HIM ALONE.

Day 8

When i called 911 for the ambulance on Friday, April 24th I wasn't planning on staying at the hospital until today. My dad is still in bed and will hardly open his eyes. His fevers are still spiking above 102. He was put on a series of antibiotics immediately and they were doing some good, but not much. Tylenol and Food were the only "medicines" that held his fever down. Then the Infectious Disease doc prescribed daptomycin which seemed to be doing the trick, but for some reason, he took my dad off the dapto after two days and put him back on vancomycin. An hour later, the right side of his neck was swollen, his fever spiked to 103 and he had a rash around his neck and chest.

What the heck? When I got into the hospital this morning, he had a fever of 102 if not a bit higher. They can't find anything in his blood cultures...

anyway, here i am, day 8 at sharp memorial. it's a very nice hospital with private rooms and I have reason to believe that because the hospital is nicer, there has been a higher standard set for patient care. I know God is here, but for me, the burden is heavy.

We had our first dance performance yesterday! hmm...we're trying the vancomycin again with benadryl. hopefully we'll get the confirmation we need. I'm concerned about super resistant bacteria and I'm hoping the doctors are monitoring the dosage carefully.

oh a medical note, post brain surgery, i don't think a patient should be expected to be mobile right away. I think the patient needs 2-3 days bed rest and I have become a proponent of continuing antibiotics even once the patient goes home especially if he/she is asked to leave the hospital only 3 and a half days after the surgery because it's unlikely that he got enough antibiotics in the hospital. I think a full course of most antibiotics requires at least 5 days.

my status:
feeling a weary. my body is not in tip top shape.
i've been eating too many sunchips for breakfast.
mentally, lazy.
i think i need good music and a day at the beach.
dancing has been a nice break from all of this
i'm looking forward to church on sunday. B is finally going to come with me - granted it's more to hear ex mafia boss martin franzese speak - but praying that the service can plant a little seed in his heart.

Done.