the weight of a calendar

trying to put away a few things in my room and picked up a wall calendar i was using earlier this year when I was home in San Diego. In between my fingers and sandwiched within my thoughts are all that has happened this year. Made of square boxes and sequential digits are the numbers of my days. In them, is the time amongst friends, the desperation of wanting things to pass, and the absolute desire to hold on to every minute.

I can't believe November is almost over. Yet again, another year...
This one was tough, painful, full, and still hopeful of more to come.

just too short

who am i to say that my father's life was too short? i can only guess at the greater things the past is meant for, in terms of the future. Unfortuante truth is that i have no idea why. i won't be able to figure out why at 49 - he had to leave the way he did - all of the pain is still as clear as last night's events. So i won't ask for why, but i hope you understand that i'm still mourning over not having you here. despite all faults, you were a great man and a great dad.

daddy - i love you. i miss you. i want you back.

my ode to fire

i'm feeling the way the weather feels : gentle storm
my emotions have been like the ocean waves against the shore line
they're moving and stirring with a life of their own
so i light a candle or two and let the flames take these emotions for me
the music box jazz soothes
the delightful heat fire warms
studying is not going to be a chore
i just have to begin

nasal drip

fever is running
the heat wraps you in a dozen wool blankets
handkerchief is forever slimy
woken up from last night's sleep
the nose is still running
this is not a great poem
but i was thinking about this heat that warms you from the inside out and
then craddles you back along the light speed
time travel
you're back to childhood
and the scents of memories take you back from
15 to 13 and 13 to 10 and 10 to 7 and maybe you stay at 7 for awhile
but it feels right to be there when you're not feeling so well
i have found my new time travel device: the nasal drip, body heat, sick but not too sick to bear.

the end.

new york morning

the computer signed me on automatically so i'm going to write down memories that i might forget:
1) jeff and vanessa's wedding was beautiful - i can't believe lifetime marriages are possible - but they will be living proof.
2) michelle and danny are an amazing team. michelle is particularly wonderful and an awesome female companion. i may be in love =). i love that her appreciation for life is genuine and shines through her.
3) live jazz is great.
4) new york central park reading farenheit 451 then talking to matt on the phone was reminiscent and also wonderful.
5) streets lined with activity and life at 11pm, let alone 1am is still an unbelievable feeling.
6) still love walking and public transportation
7) seeing friends from college - especially sigma kappa girls - had a nice hue to it, maybe even provided me with a pair of rose colored glasses about college but i'll take it.
8) and lastly, coffee at roslyn claremont hotel was hmm hmm good as was the late night NY pizza - increible!

alone time.

...not too able to write, no coherent thoughts
so just a couple of words strung together to clear my mind
lauryn hill would be nice
pandora? ipod please.
give me soul
and i'll give you passion
no alternative slow aching rock
dear wide eternal water stream reflect on me
ah peace
or not, more like frustrations from an extremely slow computer
how bout missing daddy
i hope you know i'm thinking about you
and mom, sorry i missed your call. should have called right back.
i love my family.
i miss my family.
thanksgiving...

goodnight.

fleeting, precious moments of life, how do i capture all of you?
classical beats drum in peaceful background
memories pulled out of online photographs
delicious smiles
eternal stares
life is fleeting yet eternal
help me find you here

dream state

last night i dreamt of two dime sized neon green colored frogs. i had them in a small case but they leaped out when i opened the plastic zipped up fist size breathable container. they went everywhere, even outside on the otherside of sliding glass doors. one in particular, i think his name was something child-like with the added pet name "y" on the end: greeny or something. he was cute. very cute. the other was more tamed, but still bounced off the walls before i caught him and put him back. when i finally got greeny, he had jumped into my father's arms and told my dad that he loved him. my dad smiled. i smiled. It was a beautiful glowing moment. then i took greeny into my little palms, off of my dad's chest, and i stared up at the man that raised me with "i love you eyes." I turned, in one hand i had greeny, in the other i searched easily for my green pencil box and i dumped out all my pens, with some hesitation, before i gave greeny and the other a new home in my pencil box. over time, in the course of minutes of dream, my frogs and i developed the sweetest friendship. i would let them go, and they would always return home.

i woke up happy.
love,
hang

date - less

my sister told me that her mother in law told her not to remember dates and to just remember the life and the moments. so i guess i'm not looking at my watch and recognizing that it's been a little over a month.

today i lit a candle for you. i stared into the faces of your many photos. i wonder why i stare. each look, each glance reminds me that you are not here but i continue to stare. yo ingrain an image of you into my brain before my memory fades.

ba. con nho ba rat nhieu. con sin ba co ngay tot dep voi nguoi tuong.

step 1 - repeat - revisit

okay today my heart reaches in for a memory of my dad and me together - we were on a boat surrounded by the crashing thunderous roars of niagara falls - there is a hole in my heart where memories were scraped out and pulled to the surface.

how i want my heart to feel: peaceful and appreciative of that moment in time and space.

amen?

just wondering...
when do i stop wondering how you are?
when do i stop missing you?
when do i stop seeing you in photos and dying myself inside?
daddy - i miss you. i can't believe you're gone.
what's next? what's before me? what's behind me?
how do i do today?
it was too short.

life...you kill me sometimes with your madness. i was going to post this thought in my head on fb but then i got smart and realized it was too extreme for social media nonsense. who cares?

darn inception - it was so good - and it makes it so hard not to question reality.
people are so shady.

nuff said. this one for me goes on.

looking forward to tomorrow.

hard

in my head i wrote you a poem
but now i can't remember the words
it was the fondest farewell
the impressed truth
you are away in a better place

but today as i put your shirt away
i realize that this...
has been one of the hardest moments of my life
i miss you

Love,

your daughter

my heart on death

18 months to prepare
20 months of unnavigated paths
unknown
not enough time to realize he is gone
his touch, his breath
his embracing, piercing eyes
i knew he loved
through His grace
we shall meet again

bad experiment

nearly a month in and it's kinda crappy to put it lightly...well except for when i decide to write about it...and then i have to put life into perspective and i can't cry for myself because it really isn't that bad.

bla so now that i've started to write, wanting to write about how hard things are and woe is me, i can't.

and He forgives =)

dear dear...can i jump into roaring rapids and flounder around
spring into life
over mountains and hills
through clouds and next to you
glistening sand between toes and wind arms shroud
can we go there and dream

weighty separation anxiety

like pulling skin

jagged slowly, fast, slowly

layers of fibers course

strips left behind

only to be retrieved later

slowly, fast, slowly

with the weight of 1000x's you and yours

unlike previous farewells

time separation unyielding and pitch black

will i see you again?

will your hands grasp at mine

will your tear shattered eyes pierce into my entire 1-26 souls

you saw me first when i came

must i see you go?

the weight of every goodbye seems heavier than the last

from front doors to airport terminals

now your recliner wheel chair

and heart wrenching unkowns

questioned and hoped for

from your fibers and your dna code

to pieces of me

please come back. lets meet again soon.



*friday night when i arrived at the nursing home, i forgot what i once knew: to not give in until it has been decided. remembering to pray for HIS miracles.



LOVE. GRATITUDE. PEACE.

first days of medical school

ok so after 4 days and lots of studying, i think i've got it (imagine pointed finger in air, lab coat, gray hair and glasses). Well, until our first exam next week. It is very nice to be able to dedicate all this time to the study of the human body.

we spend 3 hours a day M-F hovering over a dead body, of which i'm very thankful for his donation. the formaldehyde and phenol fly over my goggles and into my eyes. the latex gloves, on the first day, made my hands numb, i've knicked myself with a scalpel, and my normal human clothes, sweats and a tank top, give off the smell from ever fiber.

my bed is uncomfortable and my back is sore - maybe from the now regular use of a backpack - but can we please add regular massage sessions?

i cooked my first meal after eating on wed under the distress of a head cold and 100 +/-2 fever. i had gone grocery shopping at the nearby albertsons and it was ridiculously expensive...and i still bought all the stuff on sale. I also left three peaches on the self checkout counter. how lame. i keep wondering if i could go back, show my receipt, and ask for it. Unfortunately, without gps, i have no idea where the albertsons is located.

i just learned there's a fresh & easy and trader joe's off the freeway, which i have yet to venture out on. however, i have had the great privilege of getting lost many times, not paying attention as i drive, so i've seen a bunch of side streets. makes me happy every time!

one of my books came too! yay. it came despite the wrong address because our post man/woman knows that my house mom often has wayward college students in the home.
i'm hoping my other books will come. and speaking of good neighbors, this morning as i left the house, my house mom's neighbor was watering his yard and directed the hose over to our side to water our bushes.

the end for now.

Hang

work and family

just a curious thought: if we all saw work as work and life outside of work as such (specifically family)- suitably dividing time between both - with family being more important, what would happen?

should you wait to have your own family before committing to that family? or commit to the one you came from until you leave it?

In my ideal world, everyone has someone they love looking after them. they don't go into nursing homes and they don't become abandoned. it's nice to have the advances of technology, growth in education, new toys to play with and new ways to see the world. How important are those things when the people you care about are left to fend for themselves among others who have been left ...because of different ideas of success?

In a family you could have a small functioning unit of people who have enough time to care for each other i.e. one person is looking after 10 extremely sick people which is near impossible to do well.

hello papa

anti-depressants when you're on other mind-altering drugs (most, if not all pharmaceuticals) is not a bad idea. so either my dad is more awake because we've been adding a pill of celexa to his regular dose of anti-seizure or because we stopped giving him anti-anxiety drug (which was not supposed to happen), i don't know, but he's been a lot more alert. He smiled today - doubt because i actually said anything funny - but he smiled and everything for that second was brilliant.

yesterday, he also grabbed my wrist and held on tight while i got to be his baby girl and laid my head on his chest. i tried so hard to remember those moments where he patted me to sleep or held me next him because i was his child. I couldn't, but knowing that it had happened was good enough.

God - your everyday will be done.

serenity and such

i'm really bad at peace, "letting go to divine providence" (thank you dkn)
i am bad at trusting god and letting that still my heart which leads me to feeling unqualified as a christian (so to speak) and that causes more anxiety. It's like a vicious cycle and i'd like to use the term here though i don't think it applies, it's seductive destruction (keller's terms).

anyway, a couple things i want to work on - diligence and inner peace with god. Jesus - show me the way?

love,

hang

poem for you

In pitch black, I stood
perhaps in fear
or a fog of uncertainty
till i realize
we were a part of a body
with piercing broad vast wings
we came from darkness
into light. we were the light.
From page one of normality
to a story deeper than prodigal son.
It must have been the tales of poo
Ask Rach and Brooke
or in between games of taboo
and birthday cupcakes too.
This is, community.
And I can't wait
there's more to come.

happy birthday rachel, Monday - May 3rd

recognizing everyday heroes

thanks elyse for sharing this story with me and the rest of our community. Eva died at 26 years old on March 27, 2010 from cystic fibrosis. Her blog can be found at 65redroses.livejournal.com.

...thinking about the legacies we leave or don't leave.

For Pride's Sake

i can remember a time when I would cringe at the thought of my actions mattering very little or that, maybe i would read into "losing myself" and "saved by grace alone" as I'm not able to do anything on my own accord; that all i did or can do doesn't matter. You know what that is though? Pride.

I was full of pride and unwilling to let it go, to lose myself.

"no man is worthy of me who cares more for father or mother than me; no man is worhty of me who cares more for son or daughter; no many is worthy of me who does not take up his cross and walk in my footsteps. By gaining his life a man will lose it; by losing his life for my sake, he will gain it.

I count everything sheer loss, because all is far outweighed by the gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I did in fact lose everything."

In pride and fear, I held onto my own abilities and wouldn't let the god who created me lead me into the purpose for which i was created from nothing. Instead, i want to ask God everyday, why he gave me today and my breath of life for that day/that moment. how better to seize the day? To fully and completely see your purpose for every waking moment? to sometimes have to go on a limb and say i'm taking this step, but i don't know what tomorrow will bring because i don't know much and i don't have much to offer without You.

Pride is a Big Issue. It's not easy to handle and it comes out in so many ways. I believe there is a distinction between Pride and being proud though. Being proud elicits joy, pride is ego. Proud is contentment and peace, Pride is me over you and my abilities without learning from others. Pride induces jealousy. Can I be jealous that God, who created me, knows me better than me and knows my purpose better than me? Can I be jealous that he wants to be in the life of those he created? Or do i embrace it?

at the foot of your cross.
LOVE.

rattled

in line with searching my heart...i had a pretty sweet day today and it wasn't horrible even after my sister called. But i've got my teeth clenched and my spinal nerves on alert. For a split second today, I thought I could really hurt someone if they hurt my sister.

But God, you wouldn't have it. I'm loving on and praying for that man that stood in front of my sister's home today thinking nasty thoughts and doing a lot more than just lewd gestures against the window of her home.

Over the past two years, I've come face to face with my dad's mortality, and with the added twist of vietnamese superstition, my mom's. It hasn't been terrible, I am reminded daily to share my love with them that much more. Oh, but to think of my sister's mortality in the hands of a potential sexual predator. I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

Any ideas on what to do?

Love,

Hang

coffee shop culture

??? what's it all about? there is clearly a woman across from me that isn't doing much, adjusting her music, sitting with incredibly good posture, walking back and forth to coffee counter and holding her mug of fresh brewed/morning brewed coffee...but i can tell she feels cool. i'm not knocking her; i'm not getting much done either. i guess she's trying to write something. i'm just mad that she has impeccable posture for being slightly overweight.

hmm...i'm in a coffee shop and i need to study. great. church was good; it was good to be back at my home church. i can't get away from the rock just yet.

thought on money makers

netflix can charge $10/month for video rentals and an online database of ready to watch tv shows/movies. Hulu can't, at least not yet. their entire income comes from marketers/ads who are constantly thinking of new ways to capture/engage the audience - to make the audience spend as much time with the product as possible (hence these new interactive quizzes on hulu). I don't think they work.

so why can netflix charge an online membership and hulu can't? I think it's because netflix offers a tangible product, movies delivered to your home. that tangible product helps to create a relationship that is outside of virtual reality. netflix also helped ease the customers of this half internet/half physical reality user into internet using/paying.

what will it say about us as a society when/if we become perfectly content with the virtual reality created by pure internet connections (pay online, use online, communicate online - if at all)?

my hope with bpsd's website is that we're using the internet purely as a tool to enhance physical interactions and relationships - i.e. as a meetup tool/continuing real convesations tool.

launching first trial site in the next week or so.

Please let me love him right

... I just want to do the right things. of course there are times when I'm sure I'm not and I excuse it somehow, but there are plenty of times where I just don't know what is the right thing to do.
hmm...then again, i know the answer to that... IN EVERYTHING PRAYER AND PETITION.

good enough, i'll stop complaining soon and just start praying/listening/waiting. oh so easier said than done.

been back from ny/philly for about 24 hours. i'm ok with that. my dad looks stronger, but his throat has gotten more pleghmy which i think is yet another indication of his body not working.

=(

gotta study for anatomy quiz tomorrow and nonprofit/ministry work has been put on back burner again.

in ny at the 88 orchard coffee shop. it's pretty great. had to spend time in the basement to charge up the laptop but now i get to people watch. such beautiful people and so diverse. oh man, i love it.

fascination

what fascinates you? i just realized as i looked through photos of the more artistic, possibly new york, high fasion life style and drama productions that i'm fascinated by the different worlds we live in/create for ourselves and that although i know we are connected by our humanity, the divide seems vast and crossing it seems impossible. unacceptable? strange? multi-dimensionable? desire to see what it's like on the other side/the unknown?

maybe it is jeremy camp

this past sunday i went to the swap meet and just walked around alone. for twenty dollars,
i bought a sweet giraffe t-shirt, ear piece for the cell phone, mangoes and avocados, sunglasses, and a jeremy camp CD and my admissions ticket. so now i'm listening to the CD and maybe it is because of jeremy camp, but all i want to do right now is to tell the world how much i love our god. it is an overwhelming feeling that swaddles my entire being and makes me smile.

and i'm smiling despite how awfully unprepared i am for my muscle anatomy exam tomorrow!
sweeet.

till next time.
Hang

i'm not sure i understand what no means

do i take on more responsibility than i can handle? is their a distinction between not being able to say no and constantly trying to test my limits?

Does sometimes wrapping yourself in the pain of life help you grow out of it more alive, renewed?

Is it okay to not do? if i can only get one or two things done from my list for the day...is that okay to be content with that? i suppose the question is, have i given it my all. did what i accomplish and attempt reflect my passions and talents?

today was an incredibly long day and wonderfully refreshing by the end - when i left the house for the first time without dogs, without dad, without too much on my mind, except for the starry night sky and coming spring breeze.

the dog situation: in nov. my stepmom came home with Jack. i wasn't around. Jack left with my sister and her family. a few days later, and a lot of shady business, Jack was back.
Three days ago, i came home to a second dog, Oreo. She's got curly poodle hair and is probably 11 lbs, maybe less. the next day, i'm in my room, working on Block Party San Diego (not quite where i want it...could use some help), and I hear my stepmom, "Lisa, don't be mad." really? she walks into my room with a 6 week old puppy that fits into the palms of her hands. She has fleas. Her name is Rose (for Jack and Rose from Titanic. Is that even right?). Fleas?

I can't handle it. Do you, rather do I have the time to take care of Your dogs who live in our hosue? Not really. And six weeks nonetheless. She needs potty training. Dear!

Rose leaves for the night, doesn't stay with us. Okay, i think to myself, we might be able to handle two dogs. Dad seems okay with the idea of two dogs. Except, we take care of dad too.
Next day, I'm hanging out with the dogs because who can leave doggy eyes alone? Doorbell rings...maybe it is the nurses aid to help me bathe my dad. nope, it was my stepmother's sister with Rose. Flea Free. Great, smells okay, but pretty potent and certainly somewhat toxic.

whew. I call Ben to come hang out with the dogs. He likes dogs and maybe it will be that much more bearable. Rose is adorable. she sleeps on me and she's so tiny. She's got puppy dog eyes! My stepmom rings the doorbell?! She takes Rose and their are two pre-teenage girls in her car. They're taking the Rose. ok, i can handle that. I have puppy dog eyes. Except it's great, i can't take care of her anyway.

Who are those girls?
"You know, my sister's boyfriend's sister. They're taking the dog for a couple of days because of the flea medicine. they'll wash her etc."
Next day, Rose is back?!!

Fine. Today...I'm up at 4am, clean my dad, and try to study, then back to bed. Up at 7, maybe 8. Dad's not ready to get up, thank goodness. I walk all three to the dog park. it takes forever. Oreo is sweet as heck, but she's not used to walking and people coming so she barks. I can handle that. No! Shhh! does the trick. she's better. Skittish around other dogs, but she'll do fine and she's much more cuddly than Jack, which is kinda nice. It must be a girl thing.

Since Rose is too young to be around the dogs, one of the dog owners at the park helps me zip up my Pink Love jacket and Rose tucks herself inside. It was amazing! but I felt the pang of responsibility that I didn't ask for and could truly do without while simultaneously desiring that I could handle it ALL.

1. take care of dogs, watch them grow up and be awesome!
2. take care of dad, watch him get healthier and better!
3. take care of school, study and love being a doctor.
4. take care of block parties and ministry because community is important and it's fun.
5. take care of this running business...half marathon nonsense...except it's nice to run and to feel that breeze at night and i'm working on discipline this year. help me do that!

love,

Hang

living giving/life defeating

if i really looked at all of my decisions, i bet i would find 10s if not hundreds of regularly contradicting choices.

on the basic end of the spectrum, i want to be healthy, but i eat pizza, chips, ice cream cake, lots of snacks (that's not all i eat, but you know what i mean). i'm trying to train for a 1/2 marathon and on the other, i'm eating things that weigh me down.

on a different side, is the matter of sustaining life or wishing it to end. the back and forth causes distress and our decisions reflect it. i guess this is where god's grace/mercy/power come in - that no matter how much we mess up in our decisions - he's there to forgive and offer redemption. it is not by works, but by faith.

sometimes my dad doesn't want to eat and for a split second, we think maybe it's better that he doesn't, maybe he is about to reach the end so we don't force the issue. in the next moment, he takes food, we offer and he takes and it feels so nice, but he hurts all over his body. we stop the medicine, the putting extra herbs in his food/drink because maybe he does need to go and he doesn't really want it anyway, but when actually faced with an opportunity to eat the right stuff (stuff he likes in manageable amounts and cut up in little pieces so it doesn't overwhelm him) he'll take it, so the herbs come back, the sneaking of extra healthy stuff comes back.

it's hard to advocate for someone that can't communicate with you and it's hard when what is best in your mind fluctuates. so, 1) you have to accept you're not always going to make the right decisions for that person 2) you advocate for his life and his return to health ... no matter the circumstance? if return is posssible? but who says when return is possible or not? who says it will end this year or 10 years from now?

love. obedience.

state of daddy

it has been a little while since i wrote so since i'm here in the room waiting for my dad to take his medication, i figured i'd write about where he is... 16 months after his diagnosis.

relatively stable
more incontinent or at least he won't give us any warning of when it's coming.
he can't walk. he isn't able to move the right side of his body very well.
his arm has been out of commission since the fall.
his head leans to the left and he doesn't have much of a turning radius.
he's been refusing medication.
temperamental as always, but much more subdued today.
i'm doing my best to make sure he gets his anti-seizure meds. we were taking it twice a day, 750mg tablets, and since his refusal - over the past two weeks - i've convinced him to take it once a day so that we don't go into a last mal-seizure which i think is highly probable.

i still believe he can walk again, but he has to have heart and determination. he has to have resolve and believe that there is a reason for living.

he spends most of his day in bed, but will get up into the wheelchair (well, if i have the strength to get him into it against his will). i'm pretty sure it is good for him to not lay in bed all day.

his right leg has loss a lot of function and is tightening up from lack of blood flow (my guess anyway) so he will scream in pain (level 5 out of 10) if moved. almost like pre rigor mortis.

i'm asking anyone who reads this blog to pray for his resolve/determination to walk again and faith that there is a purpose in all of this.

i've finally come to a point where i feel comfortable with the way i'm managing my emotions/and his health.

thanks for listening. hope this blog helps someone/somebody.

Love,

Hang

title: poetic waxings

it must be that when i'm sad, the walls that i put up in my thoughts or my emotions are broken down, so that the words can truly reflect how i feel. or that feelings are so acute that defined words are easier to come by... ha, i think. it is just that i am almost always compelled to write when i'm sad or sadder or desperately broken and emotionally hurting to the point where physically i feel sick. It's not quite that exactly, it's more that i was sad and i had so many thoughts come through me that i couldn't sleep so the day after was filled with false energy and therefore nausea.

here are my latest thoughts:
I ask: God - can you just make him/turn him into the man for me so that i don't have to hurt again?

i want to tell you that it hurts so bad but for the sake of the game, I can't. Though probably i have already so for now, happy birhtday will have to do.

yea, i don't expect this to make sense to so many people, but eh.

this one should go down on life's lessons here - at least i get to grow through my hurts.
thank you c.jamison.
courting is intentional
dating is recreational

and i want someone who's leadership i am confident in... sweet words of truth and clarity.

started anatomy class today! what a whirlwind. i heard this class was difficult but geez, it's intense.

<3 in love.
Hang

list of things to do when you find out dad has cancer

i'm sure i'll be adding to this list later on and I wish i had made it before or found a list similar because i can't change the past.

1) share with my dad everything that he might experience with brain cancer
2) talk about his emotions early on
3) prepare for his death by talking about how he would like to be buried.
4) take video footage of my dad asking him how he would like to be remembered, asking him to talk to himself and motivate himself because there will be days where he feels like giving up.
5) find out what motivates him
6) find out what he loves to do and identify ways to do them before he can't or in his limited capacity.
7) have him talk to someone about his illness
8) give him time alone with all of his family members
9) show him how to use the equipment we would have in the house when he can't walk/use the bathroom
10) pray harder

the documentation of lies

lying is probably one of the greatest offense.
i hate liars. love the sinner, hate the sin. right?
so, how about this one. last night she said she was going to pick up food for my dad.
she was gone for 1 and half hours. this morning, there is no new food in the fridge to speak of.
several weeks ago, she mentions that the dog is from a stranger, and then from her sister's boyfriend's father, and was at one moment okay to give the dog away and the next, unable to. the dog disappears for days. apparently, he is with her sister.

now there's a more concerning case, of immigration. she said she needed the most recent tax records in order to open a new nail shop so that she and her sister could have "personal income" so that they can bring someone over from Vietnam.

days later, she says she's no longer working on that project.

today, i find the will is missing and our bank of america accounts have less than $1000 each.
sure, i want to trust. i keep trying to trust. but wtf??!

this is so lame.

san francisco; new york.

desired imagination
unrequited likeness
shared and gone, like days unrecovered
memories unclear
wild thoughts and stomach knots
meandering
lost

today i may have had my chance...

to say goodbye to my dad. to let him know that he was a good dad. to let him know that its okay if he goes because he's going to a better place. i had a chance to tell him that i love him and that all of our mistakes have been forgiven. i told him that he doesn't have to be afraid and that it is going to be okay. God, please be okay. please be there to meet him so that i can meet him again in his perfect body.

this god...we all have to believe in something. some people talk about god allah, some talk about god as an unknown being beyond us, others, god the father... somewhere in between believing and believing in nothing...our wires must get crossed and we have to know that maybe we're all talking about the same god. right?

i read gone from my sight today and it lists a number of signs of death approaching... how can be such a science. how do some people get to know it so well that they can tell you the signs?
1. he sleeps a lot
2. he is getting to be incontinent - unable to control his bladder.
3. he can't feel his arm and can't respond to me when i say bend your knee.
4. he lays in bed all day except for meals and sometimes skips meals
5. he legs and arms do become bluish and purplish
6. he wanted to listen to music tonight!!
god please... heal him.
maybe we'll see a miracle. maybe his heart will change and stay changed and maybe he will know things that people who are alive and well don't know and maybe he can tell us all about it.

what an adventure.

Hang