physically strong enough, spiritually weak... near dead?

I have faith things can change at any given time. if something (god?) can work through his heart, his spirit can change. his acceptance of a disease that crippled him can happen. his acceptance of a plan for his life beyond his own ability can happen. i know these things, but if it doesn't?

i can fight with him, i can respect him, i can almost have a conversation with him until he yells NO and Oh God as he chokes up in tears.

I don't know too much about Edward Kennedy other than he was senator and a part of the Kennedy family but I'm reading about him now after the fact, after he dies. how lame is that?

what do i know about my dad?

he worked hard for most of his life, foregoing school so that he could work on the farm while his younger siblings went to school. him and his family escaped from Vietnam near the end of the war (perhaps at the end). Somewhere along the lines, his sister was driving his mom and they got into a car accident that paralyzed his mom. He met my mother at Hoover high school, they made me, and both dropped out of school. or they dropped out before and made me. my mom was 17, he was 20. He went to trade school to become a machinist.

He became one and worked many years for GA, katema, Kyocera. Often taking on two shifts. I saw very little him for a period of time. He loved exploring and taking us out to new places. The circus was one of those one time phenomenons where I saw an elephant poo.

My dad was frugal. He budgetted and saved every penny. He was able to buy the family our first home. I was 8. He supported my mother's nail business and bought several storefronts for the 2 attempts at running her own business... both failed, but they tried. My parents argued often, but also had sex often. At one point, my mom left to another state to do nails. They make more money in other states doing nails.

My dad had an affair. In one year, the marriage ended. He drank and smoke his sorrows away at night. We would argue over so many things. I was a rebellious teenager in some sense of the word. I would apologize. His happiness came from other women but he always cared first for his family. If anyone in his family needed him, he would be there. For my uncle's daughter, he gave her his car and paid for the insurance. For my uncle, he helped to front the insurance for his shop. Whatever was needed, he wanted to see him family succeed.

He didn't talk much to his dad. I suppose that was uncomfortable. To this day, he rarely goes over to see his dad. Oh, my dad had/has the greatest smile. He always smiled and said hi to strangers, but he got mad at me everytime for dancing in the aisles at the grocery store. Reminding me for some reason that i have to contain myself.

bla bla bla right now i can't get him to go to see a doctor. have to ask, why should i become one if patients refuse treatment or the information/care of a doctor that went to school for all those years?

.......... good morning.