a new year

who isn't writing about the new year to come? it's always appropriate to reflect on the year that has passed and what is to come at the cusp of time.

i realize i'm in a battle to know the desires of my heart. first, i praise the lord for all his glory and second, i'm waiting on Him so that I know how i should act/react. i'm still waiting...

and in the meantime, I know that i have a burning passion for life. so, to that end, i will continue to seize every moment. tonight, my family and I are going to ring in the new year at a little street carnival in escondido.

Happy New Year!

white noise

i think there is a constant buzzing in my ear.......
my head won't stop for a minute. i'm running around frantic. where is the calm of god? the peace and serenity that i know is in him is surely not in me right now.

the burden of the world seems heavy and i want to escape. just do one thing at a time lisa...do the things that you have control over - finish those essays for med school.

something about idleness being sin and devil's way of getting you to do nothing for god's kingdom. something about wanting distractions from heartache. i just signed up for a hip hop class...am on the wait list. that's exciting.

i need to cook for my dad. i just finished his state disability stuff. yay. and social security disability. yay. celebrate the little victories. i can't really tell you what is my top choice for DO school. location is so important (oh so many innuendoes).

i need a solid support system. god?? okay, sending MRI off to dr y for review. seriously? i can't find the MRI reports. something about a mass on the L parietal. oh right, next have to pay for student loans... oh my bad, it's near the left temporal... shoot, that only took 5 long minuters. i couldn't get the backing out of the stamps.

am i writing cause i need someone to hear my frustrations? my cries? my feeble attempts at optimism. my desire just to let it out. i want to run.

um..why the heck is mesa college's number disconnected? ok, just shaved my dad's head. now there's little tiny hairs everywhere and my room is really messy. i'm going to try to start my day again.

peace.

Still feeling this song:

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out, I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure

There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
D-d-do do you, but do you, d-d-do
But do you want to come on
Scooch on over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Come on and open up your mind and see like me(I won't hesitate)
Open up your plans and damn you're free(No more, no more)
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours(It cannot wait, I'm sure)
So please don't, there's no need(There's no need to complicate)
There's no need to complicate(Our time is short)
'Cause our time is short(This is our fate)

This is, this is, this is our fate
I'm yours
Oh, I'm yours
Oh, I'm yours
Oh, whoa, baby you believe I'm yours
You best believe, best believe I'm yours

is it corny that i was compelled to write a poem?

life is ...
simple pleasures
when you find that God has given and given to you
when your hopes are His
when life happens because it does and
nothing you can do will stop it
when you just breathe
when He can make you smile through the tears
life is... beautiful
life is that breeze that runs through your hair
and makes you put on an extra jacket
life is that buzz that rides overhead
and flip flops in the sand next to you.
life is a tidal wave
life is that smile you share between strangers
life is when you look out across the ocean and you see His creation
life is conected
it is everywhere
and it moves like that little bit of moon that is still in left in the day sky
because when you look up at it,
you know you were not the only one.
life is hope. life is beautiful.

a wonderful revelation

my heart still feels like it is wrapped up in chains of heavy metal and i find myself clutching it every so often. I am still searching for the right words to say so that this pain will go away, but I know one thing above all, is that God's arms are around me now. I know he intercedes on our behalf.

My revelation or a new found truth: our souls and lives were made with and meant for "original glory" and not original sin and our hearts are not "desperately wicked." -a borrowed truth from John Elderedge's "The Ransomed Heart."

Q of day: how will this perfect story end?

time...title escapes me.

who doesn't spend random days thinking about the meaning of space and time? Perhaps the rain helps bring about a reflectivce mood. who knows? perhaps it's life and death that makes this sureal life, surrounded by colored walls and sanitized counters, want more than itself. does that make sense? i think i want to say more than i really understand right now or maybe i want to say more because i don't have anything to say. I just have the need to put thoughts into words because that, like holden caulfield, slows life down or in some cases, ideally, stops it all together.

how do you free your spirit from this feeling of nothingness. i don't know what to say to my dad, but i want to share something with him that is more than just the next meal, more than just let's make dinner. What is that? i am so blessed to have this entire house at my disposal and so what, what have i done with it?

is this creativity stunted? shoot, i should be better than this...i guess maybe we'll work on a puzzle and i'll pull myself away from ray bradbury. i am weary but well. every once and awhile, i feel so utterly out of touch.

it is time for dinner.

time and space and time

who doesn't spend random days thinking about the meaning of space and time? Perhaps the rain helps bring about a reflectivce mood. who knows? perhaps it's life and death that makes this sureal life, surrounded by colored walls and sanitized counters, want more than itself. does that make sense? i think i want to say more than i really understand right now or maybe i want to say more because i don't have anything to say. I just have the need to put thoughts into words because that, like holden caulfield, slows life down or in some cases, ideally, stops it all together.

how do you free your spirit from this feeling of nothingness. i don't know what to say to my dad, but i want to share something with him that is more than just the next meal, more than just let's make dinner. What is that? i am so blessed to have this entire house at my disposal and so what, what have i done with it?

is this creativity stunted? shoot, i should be better than this...i guess maybe we'll work on a puzzle and i'll pull myself away from ray bradbury. i am weary but well. every once and awhile, i feel so utterly out of touch.

Whose will is it.

how do you know the difference between God's will for your life and your will? Can you question others when they act according to the conviction that what they are doing is the will of God?

idleness breeds not good things......

so...

i need to pray. i need to equip myself with the word of God and the Truth.

running a race.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? run in such a way as to get the prize. everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. they do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. therefore i do not run like a man running aimlessly; i do not fight like a man beating the air. no, i beat my body and make it my slave so that after i have preached to others, i myself will not be disqualified for the prize" (1 cor. 9:44- 27).

"to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die" (Ecc. 3:1-2).

"For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21).

hello rain.

happy thanksgiving everyone. lamentations is helping me uncover a question that has been on my mind about god's will and his sovereignty over things that are both good and bad. I guess what i am trying to say is that i still wonder why bad things happen. anyway, i was just 'bible dipping' when i found lamentations and He continues to work in our lives. I know that god is alive and well.

Couldn't resist

okay so i'm hanging out in a rehab center that has the feel of a nursing care facility. I am typing this blog in the family/recreation education center which comes complete with two desktop computers, a fold out table, old pamphlets on strokes, ear and eye monitors, a sink, and two unplugged tv's on movable carts. To say the least, this is bizarre, but i relish these odd moments in life. I have no idea what's going to happen here (we - my dad and I - may be leaving tomorrow or we might be "stuck" here for two weeks), but i have already befriended one of the nurses and I feel like i know the Sharp hospital system pretty well now, nearly a month into...(i was going to say something unexpected, but in life you are to expect the unexpected and persevere through trials. so, i have no one or two words to describe what my dad's brain tumor means to me).

On another interesting note, i'll be sleeping in a hospital bed tonight in the same room as my dad. We brushed our teeths together just five minutes ago before i helped him to his bed.

My father's balance and speech is still off kilter (expectedly) and i am thankful that our insurance will be covering rehabilitation. I have no idea how much of the tumor is gone and what is already growing back. A part of me thinks that rehab is a fruitless exercise, but i have to hold on to some hope that God can make the frightening prognosis that was given to us about my dad another example of His powerful word over man's word.

I look forward to keeping you updated.

Hang

the choices we make

my question of the day: what would your response be when choosing life means dying now?
I spent most of the car ride from the hospital thinking about the irony of this question, of choosing god and eternal life over life on earth. some of the confusion might be in the definition of life. the rest of it, i think lies in understanding god's complete and faithful sacrifice for us. To remember that he took on flesh and died for us and that no other departure could be so painful would suggest that leaving this world is not all that terrible and in fact, with hope in God, it is plainly better.

Dr. Ghosh has said that the tumor has infiltrated most of my father's left brain hemisphere and that it may have metastasized to the right side. i can't lie, that was and is very scary news. and, and i am still upset that we could not have gone in for surgery a lot sooner. the diagnosis of a 5 cm x 5cm brain tumor was made on October 23rd and we did not go into surgery until today, November 17th. That...that is absurd.

BUT i have hope that with even our stupid choices and careless mistakes, God's hand is in our lives and He will take care of it.

peace and blessings.

the heavens rejoice

Today a Vietnamese preacher guided my father in his first prayer. It was the prayer of salvation. Drenched in sweat and tears, my father repeated back the story of god's love for us and by simply believing, he brought the holy spirit into his heart and gained everlasting life.

My uncle witnessed the end of the prayer and later called me to ask why my dad was crying. My uncle said that 'it seems like this religion made him sad.' I told him "no," it's because he finally found the truth.

what made you cry when you accepted God into your heart? If you haven't, why not?

grace. uncompromised love.

Lessons from cancer care

1. ask for a second opinion before you do anything (still regretting this one).
2. get a copy of all of your files especially the pathology and MRI reports.
3. don't be afraid to get all the details about the procedure and find out what the hospital is equipped to do. Do they have the technology to do an awake craniotomy?
4. if you are caring for someone, get the general power of attorney and the medical power of attorney and get the authorizations/releases to the medical records office early so you won't have any trouble getting the slides.
5. have faith, think positive, there is no fear in love/god.
6. ask for guidance from GOD FIRST.

almost three weeks after the diagnosis and the tumor is still growing... come on healthcare. question of the day: what is a reasonable timeline after diagnosis of a brain tumor? if my dad was a Kennedy, i'm guessing we would not have been asked to wait this long for treatment. just a guess.

something surreal

when i think about my smiles, i start to think about whether or not they are real. With God, we can have an eternity, but so often, time feels short. I'm sitting on my bed, in a dark room except for the light of this computer screen and the few glow in the dark stars that are still left from over a decade ago. My heart slowly beats but it also cringes. I am at once compelled to write down the thoughts dancing in my head and lost in emotions.

Is the question whether or not he will survive? Or is it not a question at all and just wonder, a time to see that with pain, comes blessings. Am i smiling outwardly so that I can feel that way inside?

God, where to?

i thought i could write my emotions down, but i can't. i'm in the throes (is that the right word) of figuring out second opinions and pathology reports.

....and baby kailyn is swinging from the bjorn. fancy.

xoxo

community patchwork
floodgates
living water
i went for an arduous 2 mile run today through my neighborhood after reading J. Mraz's interview in The San Diego. He talks about having a connection to the SD neighborhoods, which i haven't felt in over six years - only coming here for vacations. He talked about the patch of community, which I saw as the threadwork of lives, woven together for something we call community and fellowship. So, all that to say, I think I may be inspired to start my life here again...to feel rooted in a place and time. I guess you can say to be in this world, but not of this world. I made my dad jog/walk with me and that felt good. I'm hoping I can train for a half and maybe get him to run a 5K.

i'm going to leave with this, "we can't do great things, only small things with great love" - mother teresa.

thinking music...

connections? do you live everyday like it's your last? what does that look like?

praying. thinking. loving. living.

i don't have a title for this one yet, but i have a ton of thoughts going through my mind right now. i'm about to take a nap but i figured i'd send a little update to ... [i'm not sure where].

i'm going to take my dad for a massage tomorrow, we'll probably start with a foot massage since there is a new place that opened in mira mesa. i'll have them focus on the "head" region of his feet - perhaps that will dissolve whatever mass is up there. riiight, so i just found out my father has a brain tumor. it could be any number of things. i'm not sure if i would rather have it be an infection or a benign tumor, but i know malignant is not the word i'd like to hear.

my take on this entire situation is pretty basic: pray. and let god, our father, my daddy, do what he has to do through my dad on earth, through me, my sister, our family...just work through us god. if you're reading this and you pray, i would love it if you could pray for my dad to find jesus and to accept eternal life.

anyway, i've held back my tears for almost a week. i'm thankful to be in california right now. i had a great drive up to LA and back. I spent most of the trip back without music, just some thoughts...

good night.

SD and JJ

chillin.
i'm in san diego settling in, i guess. yesterday i had on a red and blue phillies shirt and today i've got a jacket on with san diego written across the chest. the cool breeze here doesn't carry the same cold fall air that had started to crack my hands and i'm thankful, but it's bittersweet.

have i really moved out of philadelphia? jack johnson's on the playlist. maybe i need to go the beach today.

love and obedience.

chemical imbalance

i'm thinking i need to do one of those detox things. For the past two weeks, i've eaten nothing but processed foods, mostly frozen-whatever-i-can-find to stick in the microwave because somehow "cooking" would take too long. i haven't gone grocery shopping in over three weeks and maybe even four because everytime i consider it, i have a flight scheduled somewhere. This next flight is a little more permanent (at least one month, which has been my standard of permanence for who knows how long now). I hate feeling in transition. I want to bring my neighbors cookies but I feel like I can't get attached because I don't know if i'm leaving the next month.

I feel somewhat guilty for walking out of the house and being so gosh darn friendly all the time. What sort of an example am I serving by smiling and saying good morning/good evening to everyone when I can't stay and be a part of this neigbhorhood for more than one year? Why should anyone give a darn that i'm smiling? It's a difficult thing. On the one hand, I want to build this great trusting relationship between neighbors because i think it's what a healthy community does and on the other, I am not here to see it through. I'm just another fleeting face in the community who comes for a little while and leaves.

leaving is so hard. how do you accept that somethings are meant to be for a season? Then again, sometimes you can pick up where you left off.

Timing is a strange, sort of fantastical thing to consider. God somehow has it all figured out to the very last second. My friend told me a story yesterday about a bad car accident that her cousin was in - hit in the back by an 18-wheeler and in the front by a mini-van - really? - crazy thing is, she was supposed to be in london and just decided last minute to come down to surprise her family and now her and her two year-old son has major bodily damage to say the least. she has a rod in her spine. her flight to the states was delayed and so were the bags at baggage claim. what if she didn't have to wait for those things? it's a silly game to play...the what ifs...but it certainly makes you appreciate the "what is"/present situation. it can always be worst. So even more divine, my friend started working for an orthopedic doctor six months ago and he is one of the leading spine surgeons.

this is getting to be a little long. i really hate that i at night when i can't sleep i'm thinking about all these things and I want to write it down but i nearly always assume i'm going to remember it in the morning. i don't. so right, toxins in the body...i'm going to try to eat a little healthier. i can definitely tell that my body is off-kilter especially because i had a salad yesterday for lunch and it did wonders! i feel really good about that this morning.

...i still have an essay to write...

staying strong

...and chillin at the mickey d's on 40th and market...possibly groovin to their cd mix.
live strong. live in christ. that's the end of this story.

there has got to be a song for this moment.

Craving his word

I get very excited when I get an email from Sojourners because i'm thirsting for his word and to live out the life he has called me to. I have no clue what that looks like and lately, i feel as if i've been messing up. So that's my short update and this was the verse in sojourners:

"A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

More than enough

Jonah 2. the proper response to any situation is to praise him. For 4 minutes and 7 seconds, I listened to my mom cry. I am without words but always God will provide.

Please father, shine your light on her right now. Please father, remind us that it is not within our power to pick ourselves up when we fall, but through you and your grace alone.

Is this more than I can bear?

Fight Injustice. Love your neighbor.

I am not sure if the cut and paste option is working, but i felt the need to add this to the blog today. i have spent a lot of time talking and thinking about the relationship between politics and christianity and definitely been blessed to receive answers on how i should direct my political godly life. 

1) our allegiance is to God alone. 

2) our citizenship is in heaven

3) politics affects our daily living. policies are being made that affect the lives of millions and those millions are our brothers and sisters. we should be conscious to that and we need to live in the world but not be of this world. 

i feel good about those answers. 

so here's a little blurb from sojourners that spoke truth to me (it is both political and godly): 

"Therefore, we have this against you, brothers and sisters, that along with this powerful announcing of the Gospel, the Church form the US has not also raised its voice in protest against the injustices that powerful governments and institutions are inflicting on the global South - injustices that afflict the lives and ecosystems of millions of people who, centuries after the proclamation of the Gospel, still have not seen the sweat of their brow turned into bread. Specificallys, And so we ask you as sisters and brothers, citizens of the wealthiest most powerful nation on earth, to publicly challenge your candidates and political leaders -- now and after the elections are over -- to lead the world in the struggle to cut global poverty by half 2015 (as per UN Milennium Development Goals)." 

Amen. 

nothing short of a roller coaster

I am not going to say too much. I've been trying to collect my thoughts in prayer for the past 12 hours. This life is an incredible journey. I am praying for 100% guidance from the Lord. Last night I had to say goodbye to a very dear friend (BJ - this is for you). His name is Brandon Joseph Clayton and I am blessed beyond words to have him in my life. (--) NOTHING LESS OF LOVE and OBEDIENCE.

thank you to my friends and family who have kept me in their prayers as i cry through this little bump (a bump that is definitely perfectly placed by God).

la vida dulce.

amore.

cristo te ama.

My heart still beats

After nearly two years at ACHIEVEability, I submitted my letter of resignation. The point of this note is so that I can remember this day and to remind myself that my heart still bleeds for this community and it will continue to have hope and faith in Christ that his hands are in everything.

God bless West Philadelphia and ACHIEVEability.

Break Me Down

or perhaps more A Collection of Thoughts.

i noticed the leaves were changing today. it was quite a revelation. i like the fall. i am nervous about the fall. for the past two years, we have had a harvest festival for the kids and the community and I worked on these projects with Pete. Pete is leaving Philadelphia. That broke me down last night. My boss resigned. That broke me down. I can't understand why you put people in our lives, people you are supposed to love and care for, and why 3000 miles is so far away. That broke me down. I realized I haven't spent any time with my brothers and sisters who are homeless and hurting. That broke me down. Break me down so that i can experience your love, break me down so that i can love deeply the way that you love us.

i rode my bike down a grassy hill and it was fabulous. I think i like riding bikes on trails and so instead of trails today, i rode along the broken sidewalk which i made myself believe resembled a very rough trail. i used to avoid trails.
i spent time with just God today and that was wonderful.

i am praying from the depths of my heart for Him to break me down so that i can experience all of his love.

Keeping focus

At the end of the day, only God matters. And I am working (trying to work) for Him. He and his plans are bigger than me and all of us combined. I guess i had a pretty tough day. A boss that i had put my faith in made an annoucement to the staff today that she would be resigning. It's difficult because she is leaving, but it is more difficult to understand that an organization trying to do good can be so full of b.s.

... must be what happens when you are not working all for his glory.

I am in love with my God and that is ALL I need. missing my family in san diego. i wish you guys were here right now. i wish i was there. it's 6:40pm and i'm writing this from my corner office in west philadelphia. it's a beautiful thing. it's a very gentle sadness.

thanks for checking in.

yellow school bus

school started today for most of the kids in my neighborhood. sort of makes it seem like the summer went by too quickly. maybe it did and maybe it always has, but i would not have minded one bit if we could slow it down, add a couple more days/weeks/months.

praying to god is good. listening to him is very good. not listening to him is not good and may lead to times where He's going to not be as responsive? So what i need right now is to obey every gut feeling that is coming from God.

Remember that gentleman that came up to my friends and me and asked us for food and nate just said no and sent him off, i wanted to stop the gentleman, but i didn't. I am sorry about that father.

When mom called and i didn't pick up because i just didn't want to deal. I should have. Nothing is too difficult for You. You will always provide for us.

When you told me that i should take the risks and love him dearly and i let my fears decide, I could feel the weight on my heart.

Thanks for reminding me to put You first.

so i don't think this entry had too much to do with yellow school buses. Sing praise.

the collective

I could not run back fast enough to write all of this down. I have had a most amazing morning. praise god.
I was woken up by a less than moral dream, if that's possible. I also went to bed at around 11pm so 6:30 isn't half bad. I spent some time reading and thinking. Then I biked to the office. It's labor day so there weren't many people on the road. I spent most of my ride on the street. It felt incredibly liberating. I could only imagine what it would be like to have 3 or 10 other bicyclists on the road with me. In moments of restlessness toward the violence in this community, I had thought about doing monthly walks along the streets. Somehow i would get the word out there and we would have 100 people every month walking through the most dangerous streets in philadelphia. The bike thing - same idea. It doesn't have to be a revolution, just a collective spirit ignited.

I stopped into the office to get a change of clothes and to drop off my backpack (it's a much smaller one than the one i had). Checked my email and a missed call then it was off to run along cobbs creek. About 1/2 way through, i ran into patrick (the volunteer manager at Cobbs Creek Environmental Ed. Center) and Larry, a before my time activist for the Ed. Center, and both of them were getting ready for trash duty around the creek. They flattered me with some nonsense. Larry told me he had heard about me. But the real meat of the conversation was when they told me about the transformation of Cobbs Creek: More people are running along the trails and dog walkers were picking up after their dogs. The center has gotten a lot more attention and refridgerators weren't being thrown into the creek. They were elated and so was I.

How many people did it take to get here? I am so grateful that God has given me the opportunity to play some role in changing this community perhaps bringing back the spirit that was here before my time. We still have prayers that need to be said and work to do, but i was inspired today. the grass lining the trail was clean, good mornings were shared between runners and dog walkers (some less receptive than others...but beautiful nonetheless), pat and larry were out picking up trash, the sound of the creek came crisply through the trees, people were out and enjoying the beautiful day that God has given. I am blessed.

without one

i was trying to come up with some clever title for this morning's post, but I am without one and my heart is lost. Just let me praise Him. You are a glorious god and i am so thankful for another day on this earth, for your breath of life.

"i am alive and well and your spirit dwells within me."

...whatever is on my mind is a jumbled mess and nothing is coming to me. Was their irony in last night's events?

Monday mornings

it's a little humid in the office. i biked to work. changed at the office. i have enough work to do to keep me occupied for the next 24 hours, but i'm having a hard time focusing.

i think i might need a picture of you on my desk to keep you next to me where i would prefer to have you. I'm not a big fan of this whole checking of the phone/email biz to see if you called so i'm going to do my best to chill out. i've got poverty to end. or at least some posters to make right now.

God, you are a living god. holy spirit, find rest in me. the word is definitely sanctify.

Back in Philly.

Next stop Kansas, but first... a whole lot of getting back into the groove of things. I want to be at peace with God. I definitely don't want to be anxious about anything and I would like to share all of these experiences with the people i love and care about most.

So first thing to share... my new office space with wonderful interns!

Secondly, I walked to work today. It was great just practicing how not to be anxious. I thought a lot about a lot of different things. One random thought is that i tend to say hello to people and then immediately look away. What if i did not do that? well one, the guy or girl may get the wrong idea and i'll either end up in an altercation or a conversation about why i don't give my number out to people i just meet randomly. But besides that, I would really like to come up with some cool thing to say like "hey, i was just sharing a moment with you because we are all brothers and sisters in christ." i'll have to work on that. i wish people would not have alterior motives.

i miss san diego. i miss the waves, the ocean, my family, people that have somehow become incredible friends. That may be a topic for another day, but essentially, how in the world does good friends happen? Am i not sharing enough of me and so i hold back in some ways that makes me feel like we may not be the greatest of friends, but yet i am able to make people believe that we are great friends? Strange dichotomies all day. Perhaps it's a sort of friendship in training...you act like it until you really are. that seems like an odd way of doing it. In high school i think i always ended up caring for people a whole lot more than they cared for me...and maybe now i am too scared of putting myself out there. who knows?

silly question. God, you know my heart. Bless me and guide me.

Love always,

your daughter.

sweet, sweet breeze

I think Philly is trying to send me off in style. the weather is a perfect 80 with gentle breeze. I had what was probably one of the best bike rides to work this morning. Don't get me wrong, I am no athlete, the ride is a short 2 miles and mostly downhill. but that's what made it so fantastic because the cool breeze felt (speaking of breeze, i took a break to try to open my office window to no avail; i can see the leaves rustling, but i am stuck inside) amazing, liberating, calling me home (am i refusing to go just because i know that it's just a feeling and I am supposed to stay or am i too afraid to go?)...i don't know, i was just excited to be given the breath of life.

it's 8:36am and a tuesday so that means i still have almost 3 days (2 and a half) before i'm in SD. there are many people and places I am excited about seeing. I am trying to calm my nerves because i am way too anxious right now and God says, do not be.

I really just want to chill and take things easy: no fretting about the what was or what will be and enjoy the gift of today. that sounds about right, right?

I learned that if i praise him with my lips, despite the emotions that have me riled up inside, the "answers" are more likely to come to me. My stomach seems to settle when I praise him. (the picture has absolutely nothing to do with today. I just wanted to share a photo of some of the kids that had the privilege of going white water rafting with me because in reality, i am actually pretty athletic and when my team was racing down the river (there were three other ACHIEVEability boats), we won.

PEACE.

August 8th and second chances

As the volunteer manager, i get to make decisions about who can volunteer and who can't. I don't do it alone. I generally ask the would be supervisor of our new volunteer if he/she can work with this person. Today, I gave one of our volunteers a second interview. He has a criminal background - three misdemeanors. A woman took him to court saying that he raped her. The charges were dropped and he was left with the three minor offenses, one of which was unlawful restraint. As a proponent of volunteerism and of people, I've decided to give him a chance, but i'm a little scared. My boss sort of questioned my decision but she agreed that it would be okay. He'll be painting our vacant houses and helping the maintenance crew with some light carpentry work. God - i'm just praying that his heart is as pure as he says and that i am not putting anyone else at risk - including myself.

we should give everyone second/third/fourth chances right? He says this is the first place that would look at him seriously and take him in as a volunteer. so....that's my story for the day. i moved out of my office today, but i'm really excited to be in a more open work environment. Our intern this summer and our philly fellow are sharing the space with me. I love creative synergy.

as deep cries out to deep

i have so much to say about this but it will have to wait for another day.

peace and love in christ,

Hang

All who are thirsty andAll who are weakJust come to the fountainDip your heart in the Stream of LifeLet the pain and the sorrow be washed awayIn the waves of His mercy (mercy )As deep cries out to deep(Reapeat all)As deep cries out to deep (x2)Chorus:We sing, come Lord Jesus come (You are all that we want)Come Lord Jesus come (You are all that we need)Come Lord Jesus come (You are all that we want)Come Lord Jesus come (to all who are thirsty)All who are thirsty... (Repeat verse)Won't You come (x2)As deep cries out to deep (x7)(Repeat) ChorusAs deep cries out to deep (x4)Holy SpiritHoly Spirit come (let singing out, lift out your voice, and ask for His presence)Holy Spirit come (We want You to come)Holy Spirit come (We want You to drove near)Holy Spirit come, oh comeHoly Spirit come, comeHoly Spirit come, now how ever You willHoly Spirit comeCry come,We cry come (x2)You are all what we want,Just come…!And You are all that we need,Just comeAs deep cries out to deep (x7)There is a hungry stirring inside my soulI know is more than this (x2)As deep cries out to deep (x4)We sing, come Lord Jesus come (I know there is more than this)Come lord Jesus come (there is more than this)Come lord Jesus come (oh oh oh )Come lord Jesus come (let lift your voices and ask for His presence)Come!Just come!Is all about You, is all about YouWe cry, Holy Spirit come oh ohHoly Spirit come, oh comeAs deep cries out to deep (x2)We are waiting here,As deep cries out to deep, in the middle of the nightAs deep cries out to deep, we want nothing elseAs deep cries out to deep, sing come Lord JesusCome Lord Jesus, come (You are all that we want)Come Lord Jesus, come (and You are all that we need)Come Lord Jesus come (we don’t want to go without Your presence oh God)Come lord Jesus comeJust come

Mostly photos... I've been meaning to update it with the last set of photos, but my computer has been slow and maybe that gave me enough time to not miss Charlie and Timothy so much. I hope they grew.

This was their aero plane (is that completely different from airplane? the word is so much sexier... maybe from a red hot chilli pepper song?) I got to/had to see the plane take off before i could leave the boys.
The boys getting onto the plane. there were 6 unaccompanied minors (or U.M.s) on that flight.

Public Art. i love it.

outside of the train station on our way to the airport.

at the airport after finishing out third yu gi oh book this summer. Jaden defeated the vampire lady.

in the train station (i know the order is off)

On our last day, we read, played video games, went to see journey to the center of the earth and played some more at the arcade in the movie theatres. It was my first time too at Pearl theatres.

this is one our trolley stops...right next to a cemetary. i didn't have a chance to walk through the cemetary with the boys.

"the button" right next to Penn's library. the boys were so upset with me that i made them walk through my college campus.

their bedroom while they were here, at least for all but one night. they decorated it with yu gi oh print outs and two posters they took from naruto or yu gi oh library books. I hope that wasn't too bad.

Charles hanging out in my office. I'll be moving offices soon :(

CHEESESTEAKS.

GIANT CHEESESTEAK. the three of us split this one.

Tim and group 6.

Charles and his group, 10.

Thanks to one of Charles' camp counselors, i have a couple behind the scene shots. i'll bring the prints when i get back to SD.

I guess that's it. Pray for them.

the vineyard and vinedresser

I spent a lot of this morning and last night going through the events of the day before in my mind. You can probably tell that this is going to be another convoluted attempt at saying something. It's all so much clearer in my head before I try to write it out.

Last evening, after my run along boat house row, a gardener and member of one of the boat houses asked if I would like to see her grapes. She had been growing the cabernet sauvignon grapes for three years and this year, rather than getting a couple dozen bunches, she had a 100 already. The first question i asked her was if they were ready. they're not.

Then last night i talked to B, finally...after watching a long, but slightly sweet, romantic family movie, then going for this run. He proceeded to tell me about his roomates' keeping him up; it was something about anger and cheating. I cringed at the thought of having any sort of argument like that partially cause it's not my style. Well, then it was my turn to talk about my night. I didn't quite know where to begin because i wasn't exactly prepared to say everything. i had debated whether or not to say anything, but in all of this, the good lord would have it that i did and that i can't quite lie.

Shoot, i may still have no idea about what happened or why. I want to say it is because things are not cut and dry between me and B. they're complicated, he would say.

The connection in all of this occured this morning, after another short run, but this time by the local creek. I started to read a devotional titled vineyards and god or something like that. At this point, I had already been playing the events in my mind and i could not get over the irony of him telling me about his roomate and then my story (i know i haven't said everything about "my story" but it's not terribly important to the point of this blog). The point is that the two stories together was rather ironic. So i asked God, why? what was the purpose?

I messed up and made a stupid decision. I feared and still fear the consequences. I praised God for always forgiving me and not making it too difficult (at least never too difficult that, in him, i was never able to deal/ manage it). Then I read about fruits, vines, vinedressers...the passage was drawn from John 18. i think. Two weeks ago, we read the same passage in its entirety at family group.

For me it was a reminder that my actions should bear fruit and glorify God's name. The irony in that was i had met a vinedresser the day before and i had stories that intertwined and i noticed them. God is always active. always. This morning was bittersweet, recognizing God's activity in my life, knowing that he will guide the waters the way he wants them and that i have to work harder to nurture my vines by being more obedient, by listening closer, my recognizing Him in all I do, all the time.

maybe tomorrow, i'll post some of the pictures of the boys from their last couple of days here in Philadelphia. I miss San Diego. I miss B's face.

Good looking out

it was 8am and i thought i already had my moment of the day so i was really excited to get on this nifty blog thing to tell everyone (or anyone at all)... but there was more. God's a funny man.
So, moment #1... it had been raining the entire night so our yard this morning was full of enlivened purple flowers. bellisima. then the boys and i walk to our first trolley stop. this is when i bring up the whole thing about which umbrella the boys are going to take. Charles insisted not having the pink umbrella today; he used it yesterday. I told them something about owning up to their manhood. So, then i really get into the Philadelphia Tribune, and almost missed our stop. Thankfully Charles noticed and we got off just in time. The operator looked at me funny. The moment hasn't happened yet, i'm building up to it. Then we get to camp girard and i see my trolley (to go back toward the office) so i kiss the boys and tell them i have to go. I ask if they want to keep one of the umbrellas. we have this back and forth business for a split second. Charles is already half a block ahead of us and Timothy isn't far behind him. Tim then decides that he'll take the big blue umbrella and runs back to me and says he'll give it to Charles. He then shouts in a very brotherly voice, as we go our separate ways, for me to "go catch the trolley."

Definitely made me smile. oh, they are growing up!

Okay so indignant moment... i'm waiting for the 46 bus. While i'm waiting i'm thinking about learning how to drive stick so that i can get a car that has good gas mileage and will allow me to drive across country or something, but of course, i would only use the car to drive to the various shuttle/bus stops...so the bus comes and a large gentleman (approximately 250 lbs) steps through the back door of the bus, i see him go down. i wanted to run to him, but it was clearly too late. i may have even thought that if i did catch him while he was falling, he would definitely topple over me and we would both be underground, and worst, i would receive the brunt of it. So i didn't catch him as he fell. However, along with another woman, we tried to give him a hand to stand up. Unfortunately, that was not enough. I may have even said "you'll need to take care of that." Especially since Supersize Me came out, i have wondered when we would be able to talk about people's unhealthy weight/bad eating habits. I digress. So, a gentleman about to get on the bus, who looked like tupac, came to help. It took two tries, but just as the larger man was on his feet, our bus driver gave me a dirty look, and took off.

I ran after him for a second but he kept going. seriously? anyway, i made the call into septa's customer service. fyi, the number on the bus sign does not work anymore. luckily, i had a schedule for the 46 and that number was correct so i reported the case. Can we not wait anymore?
alright so that's that. i'm going to now update this entry with some more photos of the boys.

Kind of fancy restaurant with "really clean bathrooms" as timothy put it:

then it was off to fox chase farms in a bmw, a phillycarshare rental. the brakes were great on that car.

our bumpy hayride:

a little penns landing...kind of like sea port village except this port is by the Delaware River.

lots of walking.

one of timothy's counselors at camp who tries very hard to convince the boys to stay:

oh the bus rides:

thunderstorm last night...and a sparkler, a first for me too.

ew...bad diet. so philly is one of the fattest cities. sorry guys, i tried to feed the boys a mix of really healthy food, but anything "philly" or east coast that i want them to try is so unhealthy. Tonight, it's philly cheesesteaks!

Love ya.

busy at work, but i think i need to write

My current prayer is that i help encourage and bring all of my brothers and sisters closer to christ and that i don't let jealousy get in the way. i don't think there is a specific incident or person i'm talking about but i do fear that i am far too capable of letting jealousy take over.

other than that, i had another good reading out of "a long obedience" after dropping off the boys at camp. they didn't cry today!

Psalm 131

God, i'm not trying to rule the roost,
I don't want to be king of the mountain.
I haven't meddled where i have no business
or fantasized grandiose plans.
I've kept my feet on the ground,
I've cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother's arms,
my soul is a baby content.
Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.
Hope now; hope always!

i'm praying that i can say those words one day...just a little something to aspire towards.

Defining a few words helped me understand this passage a little better so i'd thought i would share those too:

Hope - "is not spinning an illusion or fantasy to protect us from our boredom or our pain. It means a confident, alert expectation that God will do what he said he will do. It is imagination put in the harness of faith. It is a willingness to let God do it his way and in his time...I pray to God - my life a prayer - and wait for what he'll say and do. My life's on the line before God, my Lord, waiting and watching..."

Aspiration Vs. Ambition - "aspiration is the channeled, creative energy that moves us to growth in Christ, shaping goals in the Spirit. Ambition takes these same energies for growth and development and uses them to make something tawdry and cheap, sweatily knocking together a Babel when we could be vacationing in Eden." Aspiration is an impatience with mediocrity and a dissatisfaction with all things created until we are at home with the Creator, the hopeful striving for the best God has for us."

yep... i feel a little better. Thinking about Mariah Carey and Celine Dion ;)

thankful that the boys are still crying?

the weekend in review:
1. water ice (kind of like shaved ice but much better) and franklin square sand castle.

mini golfing in style. the boys are with gabe and emma, sam's kids.

the golf course was a miniature philadelphia.

Philadelphia Art Museum, Pay what you wish on Sundays! Keep in mind, we went to the art museum after a two hour all black church service. We walked into a seminary where my friend's service was being held and the first group of people i saw was a mix of asians and white people (almost diverse enough), but regardless, it was a breath of fresh air (i live in a community that is over 95% black) and i was excited for the boys to spend some more time with other ethnic groups of people (hmm...how pc can i get), i was even more excited that my roomate and friend went to a church that was more diverse, but alas, we kept walking and ended up in a smaller classroom with an entire black congregation of about 25 people. It was still a very nice service and timothy gave during tithe and offerings! B - you would appreciate this, we only sang praise songs.

Praise God.

BTW, charles took that picture. i think it's a pretty good shot (above). The boys - not really enjoying the art museum - but i saw a diego rivera, a couple monet paintings, cezanne, renoir, rousseou (sp?)...(below).

Clearly, i would not let the boys leave philadelphia without climbing the art museum/rocky steps!

the view from the top of the steps.

true philadelphians...playing in the water fountains.

monkey masks... a couple of guys were promoting the new space chimp movie/game... i have no interest in seeing this movie, but i think i might be taking the boys on saturday before they fly home.

For dinner: lasagna...made with tlc.

This morning:

young boys trying to be tough, reports of 2-3 murders/attempts over the weekend, dilapidated buildings, woman on the bus drinking a 40, frail men from the ongoing use of crack...

I am thankful that the city has not yet hardened their hearts. This morning I went upstairs to wake up the boys and told them to come down in 15 minutes to brush their teeth and get breakfast. they came down dressed in their camp gear (a not so bad looking shirt), some basketball shorts, and socks. I can't stress how proud i am of them. As the morning progressed, they started to ask if they could come to work with me... it was not going to happen. So, after getting on our second trolley, the boys were completely consumed with the idea that camp was boring (which it might be because they're doing math, science, character development etc - next year, i promised them something different) and their emotions had taken over. My heart broke at the sight of their tears so i gave them a little spiel about attitude, i prayed for them, and regardless, sent them off to a monday at camp girard.

Okay so i tried to put these photos in order, they are sort of in reverse order of the boys' trip to philadelphia so far.
Timothy took these two photos.

Us at Dorney Park, Pennsylvania Amusement and Water Park. We rode this ride 4 times.

The boys on a nature hike through cobbs creek which runs along the edge of West Philadelphia.

The boys finding their way with SEPTA, philadelphia's public transportation system.

More Maps.

This is their first day of camp girard (most of these pictures are taken with my camera phone so you'll have to excuse the quality).

On the bus!

First night in Philadelphia by the water works.

Arrival in Philadelphia - muggy and humid.

The boys on their first plane ride.

Whew, one long week.