chemical imbalance

i'm thinking i need to do one of those detox things. For the past two weeks, i've eaten nothing but processed foods, mostly frozen-whatever-i-can-find to stick in the microwave because somehow "cooking" would take too long. i haven't gone grocery shopping in over three weeks and maybe even four because everytime i consider it, i have a flight scheduled somewhere. This next flight is a little more permanent (at least one month, which has been my standard of permanence for who knows how long now). I hate feeling in transition. I want to bring my neighbors cookies but I feel like I can't get attached because I don't know if i'm leaving the next month.

I feel somewhat guilty for walking out of the house and being so gosh darn friendly all the time. What sort of an example am I serving by smiling and saying good morning/good evening to everyone when I can't stay and be a part of this neigbhorhood for more than one year? Why should anyone give a darn that i'm smiling? It's a difficult thing. On the one hand, I want to build this great trusting relationship between neighbors because i think it's what a healthy community does and on the other, I am not here to see it through. I'm just another fleeting face in the community who comes for a little while and leaves.

leaving is so hard. how do you accept that somethings are meant to be for a season? Then again, sometimes you can pick up where you left off.

Timing is a strange, sort of fantastical thing to consider. God somehow has it all figured out to the very last second. My friend told me a story yesterday about a bad car accident that her cousin was in - hit in the back by an 18-wheeler and in the front by a mini-van - really? - crazy thing is, she was supposed to be in london and just decided last minute to come down to surprise her family and now her and her two year-old son has major bodily damage to say the least. she has a rod in her spine. her flight to the states was delayed and so were the bags at baggage claim. what if she didn't have to wait for those things? it's a silly game to play...the what ifs...but it certainly makes you appreciate the "what is"/present situation. it can always be worst. So even more divine, my friend started working for an orthopedic doctor six months ago and he is one of the leading spine surgeons.

this is getting to be a little long. i really hate that i at night when i can't sleep i'm thinking about all these things and I want to write it down but i nearly always assume i'm going to remember it in the morning. i don't. so right, toxins in the body...i'm going to try to eat a little healthier. i can definitely tell that my body is off-kilter especially because i had a salad yesterday for lunch and it did wonders! i feel really good about that this morning.

...i still have an essay to write...