something surreal

when i think about my smiles, i start to think about whether or not they are real. With God, we can have an eternity, but so often, time feels short. I'm sitting on my bed, in a dark room except for the light of this computer screen and the few glow in the dark stars that are still left from over a decade ago. My heart slowly beats but it also cringes. I am at once compelled to write down the thoughts dancing in my head and lost in emotions.

Is the question whether or not he will survive? Or is it not a question at all and just wonder, a time to see that with pain, comes blessings. Am i smiling outwardly so that I can feel that way inside?

God, where to?