living giving/life defeating

if i really looked at all of my decisions, i bet i would find 10s if not hundreds of regularly contradicting choices.

on the basic end of the spectrum, i want to be healthy, but i eat pizza, chips, ice cream cake, lots of snacks (that's not all i eat, but you know what i mean). i'm trying to train for a 1/2 marathon and on the other, i'm eating things that weigh me down.

on a different side, is the matter of sustaining life or wishing it to end. the back and forth causes distress and our decisions reflect it. i guess this is where god's grace/mercy/power come in - that no matter how much we mess up in our decisions - he's there to forgive and offer redemption. it is not by works, but by faith.

sometimes my dad doesn't want to eat and for a split second, we think maybe it's better that he doesn't, maybe he is about to reach the end so we don't force the issue. in the next moment, he takes food, we offer and he takes and it feels so nice, but he hurts all over his body. we stop the medicine, the putting extra herbs in his food/drink because maybe he does need to go and he doesn't really want it anyway, but when actually faced with an opportunity to eat the right stuff (stuff he likes in manageable amounts and cut up in little pieces so it doesn't overwhelm him) he'll take it, so the herbs come back, the sneaking of extra healthy stuff comes back.

it's hard to advocate for someone that can't communicate with you and it's hard when what is best in your mind fluctuates. so, 1) you have to accept you're not always going to make the right decisions for that person 2) you advocate for his life and his return to health ... no matter the circumstance? if return is posssible? but who says when return is possible or not? who says it will end this year or 10 years from now?

love. obedience.