i'm not sure i understand what no means

do i take on more responsibility than i can handle? is their a distinction between not being able to say no and constantly trying to test my limits?

Does sometimes wrapping yourself in the pain of life help you grow out of it more alive, renewed?

Is it okay to not do? if i can only get one or two things done from my list for the day...is that okay to be content with that? i suppose the question is, have i given it my all. did what i accomplish and attempt reflect my passions and talents?

today was an incredibly long day and wonderfully refreshing by the end - when i left the house for the first time without dogs, without dad, without too much on my mind, except for the starry night sky and coming spring breeze.

the dog situation: in nov. my stepmom came home with Jack. i wasn't around. Jack left with my sister and her family. a few days later, and a lot of shady business, Jack was back.
Three days ago, i came home to a second dog, Oreo. She's got curly poodle hair and is probably 11 lbs, maybe less. the next day, i'm in my room, working on Block Party San Diego (not quite where i want it...could use some help), and I hear my stepmom, "Lisa, don't be mad." really? she walks into my room with a 6 week old puppy that fits into the palms of her hands. She has fleas. Her name is Rose (for Jack and Rose from Titanic. Is that even right?). Fleas?

I can't handle it. Do you, rather do I have the time to take care of Your dogs who live in our hosue? Not really. And six weeks nonetheless. She needs potty training. Dear!

Rose leaves for the night, doesn't stay with us. Okay, i think to myself, we might be able to handle two dogs. Dad seems okay with the idea of two dogs. Except, we take care of dad too.
Next day, I'm hanging out with the dogs because who can leave doggy eyes alone? Doorbell rings...maybe it is the nurses aid to help me bathe my dad. nope, it was my stepmother's sister with Rose. Flea Free. Great, smells okay, but pretty potent and certainly somewhat toxic.

whew. I call Ben to come hang out with the dogs. He likes dogs and maybe it will be that much more bearable. Rose is adorable. she sleeps on me and she's so tiny. She's got puppy dog eyes! My stepmom rings the doorbell?! She takes Rose and their are two pre-teenage girls in her car. They're taking the Rose. ok, i can handle that. I have puppy dog eyes. Except it's great, i can't take care of her anyway.

Who are those girls?
"You know, my sister's boyfriend's sister. They're taking the dog for a couple of days because of the flea medicine. they'll wash her etc."
Next day, Rose is back?!!

Fine. Today...I'm up at 4am, clean my dad, and try to study, then back to bed. Up at 7, maybe 8. Dad's not ready to get up, thank goodness. I walk all three to the dog park. it takes forever. Oreo is sweet as heck, but she's not used to walking and people coming so she barks. I can handle that. No! Shhh! does the trick. she's better. Skittish around other dogs, but she'll do fine and she's much more cuddly than Jack, which is kinda nice. It must be a girl thing.

Since Rose is too young to be around the dogs, one of the dog owners at the park helps me zip up my Pink Love jacket and Rose tucks herself inside. It was amazing! but I felt the pang of responsibility that I didn't ask for and could truly do without while simultaneously desiring that I could handle it ALL.

1. take care of dogs, watch them grow up and be awesome!
2. take care of dad, watch him get healthier and better!
3. take care of school, study and love being a doctor.
4. take care of block parties and ministry because community is important and it's fun.
5. take care of this running business...half marathon nonsense...except it's nice to run and to feel that breeze at night and i'm working on discipline this year. help me do that!

love,

Hang