The motivation pathway

How does one enjoy thanksgiving dinner without overstuffing or overdoing it on the pie? 

Why does one do it in the first place? 

How so many us have gotten into the "deprived" mind set without ever actually experiencing true deprivation with the hamster wheel weight loss cycle and how do we address the depth of deprivation for those that have experienced it and cannot get off the hamster wheel? 

I'm in my 5-6th week of noom and have experienced such freedom both consciously and unconsciously in my food choices and it gets me excited to step on the scale. I started off somehow worried that I wouldn't be able to eat the foods I wanted so I over indulged and every day I overshot my calorie balance and I saw it on the scale and finally it clicked that if I wanted to see a change on the scale I had to make some different choices but I also had to rid myself of this idea - that piece of chocolate is going to be there when I have more room in my "calorie budget." 

After awhile as is natural for our bodies to crave healthier foods, it doesn't have as much of a draw. 

The point is the psychology is intriguing and the idea of deprivation is complex. As we try to motivate people toward a healthier relationship with food and a real solid attempt at losing weight, we have to understand how the depth of that deprivation has played a role in unhealthy eating habits. 

Oh man - 13 years later

I can't believe I wrote in this blog this year, I looked at the year 2021 on the blog posting and then at the bottom right corner of my laptop - you have got to be kidding, I've been writing a little something here for at least 13 years...

Mind blown - I can see my 7 year old say that right now. Holy stinkin' cow and beyond that I read through years of journal entries (which was covered by maybe 20 or so blog posts), how odd not to even remember writing them and to not so clearly remember the moments that are talked about...

I read through my brothers first plane ride and trip to Philadelphia, wondering now if I was so distracted that I couldn't really always be present...darn. I still remember that day we played mini golf, so strange that Sam and his kids lived in Pennsylvania! How in the world did that happen??! 

Then I read through my trip from Philly to SD that later played out in my dad's brain cancer diagnosis. I remember moments...ah gripes over not being present again. 

But I guess at the end of the day, I still have one thing to say and that is God, thank you, you clearly have been watching over me. Thank you for the wisdom that has guided me to today because I know there were times I had to be carried and I know you did the carrying. 

There are still months left and goals that I can still dream up...maybe they will come to me and I'll figure out how to write it down right here on this blog. 

Love, 

Hang 

fools rush in...

i wanted to write about friendship today cause i realize so many of them (in my life) are shallow and because sometimes i don't know what being a friend means but i guess, i'm not really writing much about that, i just want to say that hurting really sucks. My impatience is not excluded from pain. it is amplified. i want the pain to go away.

but at the same time, i don't. i ask god to empty me, to break me down...and the man works in mysterious ways.

dang it, i am an emotional roller coaster. a part of me breaks down and the other part wants to keep my cool. i am not cool. i am eating honey wheat braided twist pretzels at 1 in the morning. when i cry, i often can't just cry about one thing. my mind goes every which way. i wonder if i'm being selfish (there are far worst situations), if i'm being rational, if i can really let myself feel the pain. let's be real...love hurts and it hurts more when you make stupid, rash decisions.

sorry, i'm so vague. i was thinking about this whole online journal bit and i think i may be saying too much already to whoever and in no way is this blog at all anonymous. FEAR god. i say that because so much of my deepest feelings i still try to keep between me and the man upstairs, but i'm not a secretive person.

it might be a little crass to be so open. i think it's my "open book" policy. does that make sense? eh, i'm open for rebuttals; perhaps i am ....

perhaps i thought i posted this and finished it, but found it waiting for me in the draft section.(hmm this was actually written probably 6 years ago...not sure how to publish to the right time period)

#thethirdway

#thethirdway When you know there’s better and you are on the search for it. When you know Jesus is behind it- through all the heartache and all the joy. When your excitement keeps you up because you’ve been listening to that inner voice. When you start tapping into dreams and seeing your soul. When you find answers and more questions. When you don’t stop searching. When you embrace your dreams and find ways to make it a reality. When peace comes not without fighting but fighting well. When discussions are hard but you push through. When you see another day. When moments blow you away. When you celebrate others. When what overflows from you is the love of Christ that fills you. #findingmyway #discovering#tags 

Day after

Day after Christmas 

still worthy of thought 

still one to cherish 

perhaps more important still 

one day nearer 

to death and resurrection 

more important because the distractions have subsided 

and we can reflect 

treasure what truly is our gift 

today I saw a rainbow and recognized its value 

in all its glory and beauty 

passing only for some to see 

a message 

of hope? 

like our life which is but a vapor 

fades 

there is hope for wonderous 

beyond 

far far beyond or within 

a wholeness that is meant for each of us 

present 

perfect beauty that exists 

though not quite in full form 

here 

so heaven ward I cast my eyes 

and my spirit flies 

let me be 

who do you think I am

when dreams and that which wakes you up 

understanding 

realizing that you've searched 

but all in the wrong places

"who do you think I am?"

pushing and pushing 

draining all possible confessions of love 

faithfulness

never leaving 

Yet no man can provide

fulfilled promises only within the grace of god

fountain of living water

from within

no man has

no man will 

no man can 

In Him may I lay my burdens

willing to see the answers before me 

realization 

appreciation 

I AM and therefore

I am. 

Awaken to the power within.  

Growing up receiving the constant praises of others, held up as some standard of being and wrecked my brokenness that can be family, tainted by an affair or perhaps multiple, destroyed by the constant search for self not from the holy spirit who feeds your soul but from the world that is chaotic and itself lost, I woke up this morning, heart pounding, conflict laden, soul heavy and yelling at the top of my spirit, "Who do you think I am?" As if I've always been searching for that answer from the world, to say, you are good, you are worth fighting for. And through that, manifested in beautiful and disastrous relationships, from the constant searching and prodding and hoping, rather than allowing god to work and laying at His feet, rather than filling my cup with living water, I was showing my empty cup demanding it be filled. 

Needs

I absolutely love my heart - in all its messiness, in all its tangled fierceness, and it sullen stupor - it is my heart and so long as it is pointing in the direction of Jesus - to always center/re-center toward him - a moral compass - no matter the darkness - I know I will find light.

I don't mind the struggle - how did I get there? I grew up being able to find people who believed in me, nurtured me, who listened to me and appreciated my thoughts and emotions. Many are not so blessed. This didn't happen in my own family necessarily but I did have a rock - my father - through him - I saw a display of all emotions and having been a witness to that - I can say I am better for it.

So now - what am I feeling - distress? fear? hope? anger and frustration? I was going to say I don't understand how I got myself in this situation but I sure 100% do - I didn't listen to my heart - and now in part I feel stuck but in part I feel capable and able to change it. I keep finding hope and light but question if I am making it up.

I hope I raise a child that can trust his instincts; that can love and stand by sadness and to meet somewhere where they are at - but I am afraid that he can't learn that here - because it doesn't happen here - in my home...this makes me sad. I suppose I believe it can and I have seen days and years of damaged turned around by later consistent love and care.

We can do that for people! How amazing is that ability!
I also feel incredible guilt - guilt that I may never share the same level of emotional intimacy or joy with the man I married as I have shared with others in my past. Guilt that he may never experience what this pure joy looks like because I cannot give it or we cannot create it. I am trying right now BUT it is so hard.

Thankful for rain today because I need a good cleansing spirit to wash away my hurt and sins. To identify this burden and then to lay it down as it shapes and morphs into pearls of wisdom and then is given back to me to treasure and move through me and those around me.

I am upset by knowing what I need is emotional connection and feeling my every need slip through cracks because that need is not met and additionally spit upon my glares of distastes or a turned back and blind eye to my tears, my thoughts, my feelings. I feel dismissed and disdained. That single touch, that awkward smile as you walk away, is that enough? that "we will work on it" as you walk away, will it happen? or am I just bidding my time and falling deeper into the ditch we have dug.

No I suppose I don't feel that utterly hopeless - I believe the large deep hole has been made more shallow and I can inhale though I'm still waiting to breathe freely.

Exhale.