i wanted to write about friendship today cause i realize so many of them (in my life) are shallow and because sometimes i don't know what being a friend means but i guess, i'm not really writing much about that, i just want to say that hurting really sucks. My impatience is not excluded from pain. it is amplified. i want the pain to go away.
but at the same time, i don't. i ask god to empty me, to break me down...and the man works in mysterious ways.
dang it, i am an emotional roller coaster. a part of me breaks down and the other part wants to keep my cool. i am not cool. i am eating honey wheat braided twist pretzels at 1 in the morning. when i cry, i often can't just cry about one thing. my mind goes every which way. i wonder if i'm being selfish (there are far worst situations), if i'm being rational, if i can really let myself feel the pain. let's be real...love hurts and it hurts more when you make stupid, rash decisions.
sorry, i'm so vague. i was thinking about this whole online journal bit and i think i may be saying too much already to whoever and in no way is this blog at all anonymous. FEAR god. i say that because so much of my deepest feelings i still try to keep between me and the man upstairs, but i'm not a secretive person.
it might be a little crass to be so open. i think it's my "open book" policy. does that make sense? eh, i'm open for rebuttals; perhaps i am ....
perhaps i thought i posted this and finished it, but found it waiting for me in the draft section.(hmm this was actually written probably 6 years ago...not sure how to publish to the right time period)
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