san francisco; new york.

desired imagination
unrequited likeness
shared and gone, like days unrecovered
memories unclear
wild thoughts and stomach knots
meandering
lost

today i may have had my chance...

to say goodbye to my dad. to let him know that he was a good dad. to let him know that its okay if he goes because he's going to a better place. i had a chance to tell him that i love him and that all of our mistakes have been forgiven. i told him that he doesn't have to be afraid and that it is going to be okay. God, please be okay. please be there to meet him so that i can meet him again in his perfect body.

this god...we all have to believe in something. some people talk about god allah, some talk about god as an unknown being beyond us, others, god the father... somewhere in between believing and believing in nothing...our wires must get crossed and we have to know that maybe we're all talking about the same god. right?

i read gone from my sight today and it lists a number of signs of death approaching... how can be such a science. how do some people get to know it so well that they can tell you the signs?
1. he sleeps a lot
2. he is getting to be incontinent - unable to control his bladder.
3. he can't feel his arm and can't respond to me when i say bend your knee.
4. he lays in bed all day except for meals and sometimes skips meals
5. he legs and arms do become bluish and purplish
6. he wanted to listen to music tonight!!
god please... heal him.
maybe we'll see a miracle. maybe his heart will change and stay changed and maybe he will know things that people who are alive and well don't know and maybe he can tell us all about it.

what an adventure.

Hang

alive in conflict

i thought about two things this morning
how we need conflict to feel alive or that conflict can make us feel more alive. We are supposed to struggle with the hard issues.

and second?
i'm not sure.

my dad is having an okay morning!

identity crisis

Hang/Lisa/Hang/Lisa...

seriously. It's not really hang, it's hang with accents and for several years of my life...i think i was only hang with accents. I can't remember what folks called me in the first grade. I did go to kindergarten at a vietnamese church so i'm sure they called me hang with accents.

I became lisa in the second grade. one minute i'm attached to the name and the next I am not. same goes for hang.

it's a bit difficult to have some friends call/family call you lisa while others call you hang/hang with accents. tomorrow, i'm going to take tally of the different names and we'll see what i get called by most. should be interesting and maybe it will give me some insight into what i'm supposed to call myself. maybe Lisa is a nickname though it's not as good a nickname as sushine or any tasty treats (apple, cookie, bunny?, babe? - as in pork?). I suppose the later are more pet names, but anyway...

i just typed Hang at the end of an email and for a split second would have much rather typed Lisa. weird.

On some rather amazing fun news, my dad had the heart to try to take a couple of steps today!!!!!!!!!!!! yup. yup. it can only be...that holy spirit. i feel like breaking out into some kirk franklin.

also, my eye developed a weird twitch...just started today and i don't know why.

christmas with dad

I wanted to say all of this yesterday, but by the time the day ended, i was too tired. this christmas, my sister, josh, joseph, kailyn, and i laid hands on my dad. we prayed with conviction and with expectancy.

1. in the name of jesus, walk
2. holy spirit change his heart
3. heal his body

later that night, after having gone to christmas at my dad's sisters and then at my mom's sisters, he asked me to help him out of bed. actually, he tried to do it by himself! we got into the wheelchair and strolled out into the living room. He had a bit of soup and we opened the present my sister gave him: a new pair of pajamas and a collage of him and kailyn. i felt the joy in his heart. He was pleased.

i wish i could have taken a photo of that moment. so today's prayer is for the holy spirit to give him a spirit of perseverence and strength and to heal his body.

on a less than pleasant note, our dog jack has diarrhea and he left me some accidental presents by the christmas tree.

just a couple lessons this week

love needs no reasons
like forgiveness is required when there are no valid excuses or good reasons

to be so aware of how little we know
but to reject the idea of god
is narrow
shortsighted at best

pray with conviction
pray with expectation
pray with FAITH

mastering the art of wasting time

check phone every five minutes (for no reason)
spend hours on fb looking at photos (perhaps of yourself; is that vain?) and checking on people.
i was looking for a new profile picture.
getting all sorts of emotions over wasted time.
watched hulu - should have gone out to rent a movie but didn't want to be in the rain.
blowing your nose a lot which i'm convinced makes it stuffier.
and going on blog to write about nothing significant. i should take notes on the book i'm reading now called boundaries. hopefully i'll learn more about myself or how to be a better me.

my sister and i put up the fake christmas tree today. we also had our first hospice aid visit. it was good. my dad made it on to the wheel chair and left his room for the first time in over a week. celebrate the small stuff.