who do you think I am

when dreams and that which wakes you up 

understanding 

realizing that you've searched 

but all in the wrong places

"who do you think I am?"

pushing and pushing 

draining all possible confessions of love 

faithfulness

never leaving 

Yet no man can provide

fulfilled promises only within the grace of god

fountain of living water

from within

no man has

no man will 

no man can 

In Him may I lay my burdens

willing to see the answers before me 

realization 

appreciation 

I AM and therefore

I am. 

Awaken to the power within.  

Growing up receiving the constant praises of others, held up as some standard of being and wrecked my brokenness that can be family, tainted by an affair or perhaps multiple, destroyed by the constant search for self not from the holy spirit who feeds your soul but from the world that is chaotic and itself lost, I woke up this morning, heart pounding, conflict laden, soul heavy and yelling at the top of my spirit, "Who do you think I am?" As if I've always been searching for that answer from the world, to say, you are good, you are worth fighting for. And through that, manifested in beautiful and disastrous relationships, from the constant searching and prodding and hoping, rather than allowing god to work and laying at His feet, rather than filling my cup with living water, I was showing my empty cup demanding it be filled. 

Needs

I absolutely love my heart - in all its messiness, in all its tangled fierceness, and it sullen stupor - it is my heart and so long as it is pointing in the direction of Jesus - to always center/re-center toward him - a moral compass - no matter the darkness - I know I will find light.

I don't mind the struggle - how did I get there? I grew up being able to find people who believed in me, nurtured me, who listened to me and appreciated my thoughts and emotions. Many are not so blessed. This didn't happen in my own family necessarily but I did have a rock - my father - through him - I saw a display of all emotions and having been a witness to that - I can say I am better for it.

So now - what am I feeling - distress? fear? hope? anger and frustration? I was going to say I don't understand how I got myself in this situation but I sure 100% do - I didn't listen to my heart - and now in part I feel stuck but in part I feel capable and able to change it. I keep finding hope and light but question if I am making it up.

I hope I raise a child that can trust his instincts; that can love and stand by sadness and to meet somewhere where they are at - but I am afraid that he can't learn that here - because it doesn't happen here - in my home...this makes me sad. I suppose I believe it can and I have seen days and years of damaged turned around by later consistent love and care.

We can do that for people! How amazing is that ability!
I also feel incredible guilt - guilt that I may never share the same level of emotional intimacy or joy with the man I married as I have shared with others in my past. Guilt that he may never experience what this pure joy looks like because I cannot give it or we cannot create it. I am trying right now BUT it is so hard.

Thankful for rain today because I need a good cleansing spirit to wash away my hurt and sins. To identify this burden and then to lay it down as it shapes and morphs into pearls of wisdom and then is given back to me to treasure and move through me and those around me.

I am upset by knowing what I need is emotional connection and feeling my every need slip through cracks because that need is not met and additionally spit upon my glares of distastes or a turned back and blind eye to my tears, my thoughts, my feelings. I feel dismissed and disdained. That single touch, that awkward smile as you walk away, is that enough? that "we will work on it" as you walk away, will it happen? or am I just bidding my time and falling deeper into the ditch we have dug.

No I suppose I don't feel that utterly hopeless - I believe the large deep hole has been made more shallow and I can inhale though I'm still waiting to breathe freely.

Exhale.

victory of health struggles

My patients struggle. I struggle. I don't have diabetes. I don't have a hurt back (at least not anywhere close to what my patients experience). I don't have some autoimmune disease. I am not obese.

But sometimes I eat things and know that I'm eating it because it makes me feel good now but I may regret it later. I eat it out of spite for what I'm experiencing inside of me. I want to stuff my face and my gut so full of processed chemicals or sweet moist chocolate something or rather. I want to drive through McDonald's or Jack in the box and chase away tears and find memories of my past that maybe brought happiness.

So, that struggle sucks. Rather than somehow face some nebulous emotional problem that has no immediate answers, I want to inhale food. So much so that I guess it makes it harder to find the answers and then maybe we hate ourselves a little. Maybe we ask of ourselves to be better. We find a way. We know what works. We try again, we feel good but that goodness is tainted with the next day when we don't do good. We label. We look at labels.

And we say, this isn't enough. But FRIENDS, IT IS enough. The process of finding victories and having them IS ENOUGH. Don't let yourselves be defeated. Is that our problem? We defeat ourselves before we have even tried? COUNT THOSE VICTORIES. CELEBRATE THOSE VICTORIES. WHEN YOU FALL, dust it off, get back on the horse and do it again and Smile BECAUSE you have found it - you are victorious and made to be victorious.

permission to pursue

Thank you Pastor Michael Todd for the sermon series on relationship goals. It's such a powerful message even at 35 years old. I wish I had heard it sooner but what can you do? I wanted to write about what "permission to pursue" has revealed to me because it feels so BIG. The very heart breaking idea that these things/people/places in my life that are causing me harm is because I DID NOT ask from God the permission to pursue. WHY NOT seeking wisdom from the wisest, from our creator. Even if in disbelief you ask, what do you have to lose?

So here I am, 12/16/19 fully aware of the mess I am in is because of the decisions I've made WITHOUT HIM (our all loving, full of plan/purpose for our life designer), reminding myself/praying for wisdom/guidance to be reminded and to keep HIM FIRST. SEEK first the kingdom of god and all things will be unto you.

I'll slip up, I forget, or maybe I won't - May I continue to ask God first/put him first in my decisions. Does this please him? Because in that, through that, ALL MY TREASURES/REWARDS are just waiting...

Finding vision

several months ago, I discovered the world of self help books, possibly all by chance but perhaps more true, I needed/I need help. In that time, a pneumonic has stuck with me: SAVERS. The idea and concept is inspiring from a slightly sycophantic book titled The Miracle Morning, but nonetheless inspiring: Wake up early and make time for yourself. It may be 5 minutes or an hour BUT take the time and use SAVERS to remember how to get the most of your time: S- silence, A-affirmations (the world is full of toxic can't do attitudes, don't be your worse critic, be your greatest champion and AFFIRM yourself), V - vision (visualize you/where you want to be, engage all your senses as if you have already achieved this vision: the essence of the best selling SECRETS), E - exercise (get blood flowing throughout your body/wake up your senses), R - reading (you are not alone, there is help out there, read), S - scribe/write. 

So, here I am, not quite morning, more like my son is asleep, 6 years has passed, maybe 10 years, and I need to write. I need to find my purpose/my vision. It's so easy to be lost: to wake up, do things that need to get done, go to sleep, wake up and do it again, get frustrated, do it again - no passion, no purpose. 

So, what is it? What is this passion of mine? To help people find their passion/purpose so that they can give to the world what they were meant to give. To help people achieve health in body, mind, spirit. To love my family. To raise James that he may know God and get to serve Him - that he would make the choice to let God manage his life. 

For me: Be one with God's given purpose - to be intimately connected to our creator. To be a witness to His Miracles daily. 

Well, that was not what I expected - I thought it would be some long, drawn out process, but that's it, that's what I want to/get to do with this life I've been given. 

May you rest in knowing that there is a purpose for the life you have - take the time to discover it - or live it. 

Dear New Year

Hello 2015. This is fun, it's 12:28am and I decided to start blogging again. This time, I hope I don't stop. I'm finishing up interviews and am putting together a rank list. It's a pretty exciting time. Not to mention, I'm hoping to start another medical related blog soon, I'll let you (the random ethereal world out there) know as soon as I get it up and running. That's exciting too.

I had other ideas for this first post of 2015 but I think that will be it for me...Just a start. The other postings were drafts from 2012 that I had never published though I'm not sure why. Man, I love writing random thoughts that come to my mind. Till next posting.

Oh, wait a sec, I should probably do a quick update since our last post - I'm married, have a 13 month old son and live in Seattle and I graduated medical school. Awesome.

why is it always so difficult to see beauty when it is in front of you?