the weight of a calendar

trying to put away a few things in my room and picked up a wall calendar i was using earlier this year when I was home in San Diego. In between my fingers and sandwiched within my thoughts are all that has happened this year. Made of square boxes and sequential digits are the numbers of my days. In them, is the time amongst friends, the desperation of wanting things to pass, and the absolute desire to hold on to every minute.

I can't believe November is almost over. Yet again, another year...
This one was tough, painful, full, and still hopeful of more to come.

just too short

who am i to say that my father's life was too short? i can only guess at the greater things the past is meant for, in terms of the future. Unfortuante truth is that i have no idea why. i won't be able to figure out why at 49 - he had to leave the way he did - all of the pain is still as clear as last night's events. So i won't ask for why, but i hope you understand that i'm still mourning over not having you here. despite all faults, you were a great man and a great dad.

daddy - i love you. i miss you. i want you back.

my ode to fire

i'm feeling the way the weather feels : gentle storm
my emotions have been like the ocean waves against the shore line
they're moving and stirring with a life of their own
so i light a candle or two and let the flames take these emotions for me
the music box jazz soothes
the delightful heat fire warms
studying is not going to be a chore
i just have to begin

nasal drip

fever is running
the heat wraps you in a dozen wool blankets
handkerchief is forever slimy
woken up from last night's sleep
the nose is still running
this is not a great poem
but i was thinking about this heat that warms you from the inside out and
then craddles you back along the light speed
time travel
you're back to childhood
and the scents of memories take you back from
15 to 13 and 13 to 10 and 10 to 7 and maybe you stay at 7 for awhile
but it feels right to be there when you're not feeling so well
i have found my new time travel device: the nasal drip, body heat, sick but not too sick to bear.

the end.

new york morning

the computer signed me on automatically so i'm going to write down memories that i might forget:
1) jeff and vanessa's wedding was beautiful - i can't believe lifetime marriages are possible - but they will be living proof.
2) michelle and danny are an amazing team. michelle is particularly wonderful and an awesome female companion. i may be in love =). i love that her appreciation for life is genuine and shines through her.
3) live jazz is great.
4) new york central park reading farenheit 451 then talking to matt on the phone was reminiscent and also wonderful.
5) streets lined with activity and life at 11pm, let alone 1am is still an unbelievable feeling.
6) still love walking and public transportation
7) seeing friends from college - especially sigma kappa girls - had a nice hue to it, maybe even provided me with a pair of rose colored glasses about college but i'll take it.
8) and lastly, coffee at roslyn claremont hotel was hmm hmm good as was the late night NY pizza - increible!

alone time.

...not too able to write, no coherent thoughts
so just a couple of words strung together to clear my mind
lauryn hill would be nice
pandora? ipod please.
give me soul
and i'll give you passion
no alternative slow aching rock
dear wide eternal water stream reflect on me
ah peace
or not, more like frustrations from an extremely slow computer
how bout missing daddy
i hope you know i'm thinking about you
and mom, sorry i missed your call. should have called right back.
i love my family.
i miss my family.
thanksgiving...

goodnight.

fleeting, precious moments of life, how do i capture all of you?
classical beats drum in peaceful background
memories pulled out of online photographs
delicious smiles
eternal stares
life is fleeting yet eternal
help me find you here