just wondering...
when do i stop wondering how you are?
when do i stop missing you?
when do i stop seeing you in photos and dying myself inside?
daddy - i miss you. i can't believe you're gone.
what's next? what's before me? what's behind me?
how do i do today?
it was too short.

life...you kill me sometimes with your madness. i was going to post this thought in my head on fb but then i got smart and realized it was too extreme for social media nonsense. who cares?

darn inception - it was so good - and it makes it so hard not to question reality.
people are so shady.

nuff said. this one for me goes on.

looking forward to tomorrow.

hard

in my head i wrote you a poem
but now i can't remember the words
it was the fondest farewell
the impressed truth
you are away in a better place

but today as i put your shirt away
i realize that this...
has been one of the hardest moments of my life
i miss you

Love,

your daughter

my heart on death

18 months to prepare
20 months of unnavigated paths
unknown
not enough time to realize he is gone
his touch, his breath
his embracing, piercing eyes
i knew he loved
through His grace
we shall meet again

bad experiment

nearly a month in and it's kinda crappy to put it lightly...well except for when i decide to write about it...and then i have to put life into perspective and i can't cry for myself because it really isn't that bad.

bla so now that i've started to write, wanting to write about how hard things are and woe is me, i can't.

and He forgives =)

dear dear...can i jump into roaring rapids and flounder around
spring into life
over mountains and hills
through clouds and next to you
glistening sand between toes and wind arms shroud
can we go there and dream

weighty separation anxiety

like pulling skin

jagged slowly, fast, slowly

layers of fibers course

strips left behind

only to be retrieved later

slowly, fast, slowly

with the weight of 1000x's you and yours

unlike previous farewells

time separation unyielding and pitch black

will i see you again?

will your hands grasp at mine

will your tear shattered eyes pierce into my entire 1-26 souls

you saw me first when i came

must i see you go?

the weight of every goodbye seems heavier than the last

from front doors to airport terminals

now your recliner wheel chair

and heart wrenching unkowns

questioned and hoped for

from your fibers and your dna code

to pieces of me

please come back. lets meet again soon.



*friday night when i arrived at the nursing home, i forgot what i once knew: to not give in until it has been decided. remembering to pray for HIS miracles.



LOVE. GRATITUDE. PEACE.

first days of medical school

ok so after 4 days and lots of studying, i think i've got it (imagine pointed finger in air, lab coat, gray hair and glasses). Well, until our first exam next week. It is very nice to be able to dedicate all this time to the study of the human body.

we spend 3 hours a day M-F hovering over a dead body, of which i'm very thankful for his donation. the formaldehyde and phenol fly over my goggles and into my eyes. the latex gloves, on the first day, made my hands numb, i've knicked myself with a scalpel, and my normal human clothes, sweats and a tank top, give off the smell from ever fiber.

my bed is uncomfortable and my back is sore - maybe from the now regular use of a backpack - but can we please add regular massage sessions?

i cooked my first meal after eating on wed under the distress of a head cold and 100 +/-2 fever. i had gone grocery shopping at the nearby albertsons and it was ridiculously expensive...and i still bought all the stuff on sale. I also left three peaches on the self checkout counter. how lame. i keep wondering if i could go back, show my receipt, and ask for it. Unfortunately, without gps, i have no idea where the albertsons is located.

i just learned there's a fresh & easy and trader joe's off the freeway, which i have yet to venture out on. however, i have had the great privilege of getting lost many times, not paying attention as i drive, so i've seen a bunch of side streets. makes me happy every time!

one of my books came too! yay. it came despite the wrong address because our post man/woman knows that my house mom often has wayward college students in the home.
i'm hoping my other books will come. and speaking of good neighbors, this morning as i left the house, my house mom's neighbor was watering his yard and directed the hose over to our side to water our bushes.

the end for now.

Hang