Click

It's nearly 9pm, the day has washed right over me, eyes glazed over from minutes upon minutes of netflix parisian homes, sprinkled with touches of sunshine and gentle bay breezes, but mostly here in front of this screen, perhaps somewhat productive morning among physicians on a screen learning about anxiety and psychotherapy, but between then waking up groggy in the midst of a gut wrenching chase amongst dreams till now, I have had probably hundreds of clicks, between one screen to the next, searching for something, wishing for something, for a minute I was lonely though not alone, broken by vast impassable invisible wall between spouses (?) how odd is that, 3650 days together married and it feels so fragile, could break any moment...my word of the last couple of days is "starter marriage" from Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld...loved it for the romance, wonder if and when and how I can have such a thing as beautiful. 

Like strangers passing, only sharing superficial words about the weather; what is that? dreams are too hard to share, because there's no desire to actually know one another; can it be that the dislike is so deep, the chasm too great to overcome? 

I say this with my clicks, one letter to the next, words that help heal me because it speaks to me; it is these moments of reflection, at least, you my computer screen, is listening. 

Christmas reflections

This is it, that moment when I get to sit and ponder the year that has been - feel the presence of God in the still of the night, one that carries the weight of centuries and decades, that sweeps through all humanity and our history, one swift breeze that moves us into some destined future but not without first settling on THIS day, this place, this current breathe. The glow of light from our 8 year old 3 foot tall tree and a new star brought in from Germany by my in laws. I don't know what tomorrow looks like but I know I can be here and smile, full of gratitude for life and health and calm waters. Let me push away any fears for I know you are with me. 

Let me rejoice in the 8 year old spirit that I get to call son and see and feel in every inch of his body the anticipation of Santa and Christmas joy. To be asked for hugs all day and to feel his precious body and know and pray that God has him because we've asked and because He promises. 

Let me still feel the ties of blood bonds even if I cannot see them and give them reason to smile through my love flows. 

Let me speak without words to my husband so that he knows he is deeply valued by us and our creator. In in bravery shake off the hurts that tighten his chest. 

Let there be air. 

This year, I've become a doctor of medicine, in my bones I think I feel the essence of a healer though I look forward to diving in even deeper. 3.5 years out of residency; 5 will be better I'm told but I'm thankful for this moment and the trials that led us here. 

May God speak to the men and women of this world and may we continue to move toward his voice to bring us together. 

This year, I felt pain of too many patients passing. 

This year, I traveled...oh wow I saw pieces of America the beautiful and we did it in style - via RV. 

This year I got to embrace my grandmother again and I pray for many more. This year I got to share that love with my son so that he may remember from where he came from. This minute, I realize my resilence came from love. Most certainly my grandmother's love and truly the work of my father. I am forever grateful. 

This year I've got to envision more of what God has called and spoken onto my life and the pieces seem to be coming together - let's just say me and block parties will never die...yea it's going to happen. it's going to do something cool and it's going to change lives. 

Because that's what I'm in the business of doing, helping to make lives whole and fulfilled. Helping to build community because without that...we will continue to struggle to stay above the water. 

This time last year, I sat here but it was much later so my rantings were more out of delirium. 

And in a few days, I'll set the trajectory for my year ahead. 

The year took off and somehow it's ending, surely i've grown, yeah definitely am more patient, definitely figured a few things out. To next year, to stronger friendships, to deeper communities, to love unimaginable. 

May God Bless You and May He Keep You. 

The motivation pathway

How does one enjoy thanksgiving dinner without overstuffing or overdoing it on the pie? 

Why does one do it in the first place? 

How so many us have gotten into the "deprived" mind set without ever actually experiencing true deprivation with the hamster wheel weight loss cycle and how do we address the depth of deprivation for those that have experienced it and cannot get off the hamster wheel? 

I'm in my 5-6th week of noom and have experienced such freedom both consciously and unconsciously in my food choices and it gets me excited to step on the scale. I started off somehow worried that I wouldn't be able to eat the foods I wanted so I over indulged and every day I overshot my calorie balance and I saw it on the scale and finally it clicked that if I wanted to see a change on the scale I had to make some different choices but I also had to rid myself of this idea - that piece of chocolate is going to be there when I have more room in my "calorie budget." 

After awhile as is natural for our bodies to crave healthier foods, it doesn't have as much of a draw. 

The point is the psychology is intriguing and the idea of deprivation is complex. As we try to motivate people toward a healthier relationship with food and a real solid attempt at losing weight, we have to understand how the depth of that deprivation has played a role in unhealthy eating habits. 

Oh man - 13 years later

I can't believe I wrote in this blog this year, I looked at the year 2021 on the blog posting and then at the bottom right corner of my laptop - you have got to be kidding, I've been writing a little something here for at least 13 years...

Mind blown - I can see my 7 year old say that right now. Holy stinkin' cow and beyond that I read through years of journal entries (which was covered by maybe 20 or so blog posts), how odd not to even remember writing them and to not so clearly remember the moments that are talked about...

I read through my brothers first plane ride and trip to Philadelphia, wondering now if I was so distracted that I couldn't really always be present...darn. I still remember that day we played mini golf, so strange that Sam and his kids lived in Pennsylvania! How in the world did that happen??! 

Then I read through my trip from Philly to SD that later played out in my dad's brain cancer diagnosis. I remember moments...ah gripes over not being present again. 

But I guess at the end of the day, I still have one thing to say and that is God, thank you, you clearly have been watching over me. Thank you for the wisdom that has guided me to today because I know there were times I had to be carried and I know you did the carrying. 

There are still months left and goals that I can still dream up...maybe they will come to me and I'll figure out how to write it down right here on this blog. 

Love, 

Hang 

fools rush in...

i wanted to write about friendship today cause i realize so many of them (in my life) are shallow and because sometimes i don't know what being a friend means but i guess, i'm not really writing much about that, i just want to say that hurting really sucks. My impatience is not excluded from pain. it is amplified. i want the pain to go away.

but at the same time, i don't. i ask god to empty me, to break me down...and the man works in mysterious ways.

dang it, i am an emotional roller coaster. a part of me breaks down and the other part wants to keep my cool. i am not cool. i am eating honey wheat braided twist pretzels at 1 in the morning. when i cry, i often can't just cry about one thing. my mind goes every which way. i wonder if i'm being selfish (there are far worst situations), if i'm being rational, if i can really let myself feel the pain. let's be real...love hurts and it hurts more when you make stupid, rash decisions.

sorry, i'm so vague. i was thinking about this whole online journal bit and i think i may be saying too much already to whoever and in no way is this blog at all anonymous. FEAR god. i say that because so much of my deepest feelings i still try to keep between me and the man upstairs, but i'm not a secretive person.

it might be a little crass to be so open. i think it's my "open book" policy. does that make sense? eh, i'm open for rebuttals; perhaps i am ....

perhaps i thought i posted this and finished it, but found it waiting for me in the draft section.(hmm this was actually written probably 6 years ago...not sure how to publish to the right time period)

#thethirdway

#thethirdway When you know there’s better and you are on the search for it. When you know Jesus is behind it- through all the heartache and all the joy. When your excitement keeps you up because you’ve been listening to that inner voice. When you start tapping into dreams and seeing your soul. When you find answers and more questions. When you don’t stop searching. When you embrace your dreams and find ways to make it a reality. When peace comes not without fighting but fighting well. When discussions are hard but you push through. When you see another day. When moments blow you away. When you celebrate others. When what overflows from you is the love of Christ that fills you. #findingmyway #discovering#tags 

Day after

Day after Christmas 

still worthy of thought 

still one to cherish 

perhaps more important still 

one day nearer 

to death and resurrection 

more important because the distractions have subsided 

and we can reflect 

treasure what truly is our gift 

today I saw a rainbow and recognized its value 

in all its glory and beauty 

passing only for some to see 

a message 

of hope? 

like our life which is but a vapor 

fades 

there is hope for wonderous 

beyond 

far far beyond or within 

a wholeness that is meant for each of us 

present 

perfect beauty that exists 

though not quite in full form 

here 

so heaven ward I cast my eyes 

and my spirit flies 

let me be 

who do you think I am

when dreams and that which wakes you up 

understanding 

realizing that you've searched 

but all in the wrong places

"who do you think I am?"

pushing and pushing 

draining all possible confessions of love 

faithfulness

never leaving 

Yet no man can provide

fulfilled promises only within the grace of god

fountain of living water

from within

no man has

no man will 

no man can 

In Him may I lay my burdens

willing to see the answers before me 

realization 

appreciation 

I AM and therefore

I am. 

Awaken to the power within.  

Growing up receiving the constant praises of others, held up as some standard of being and wrecked my brokenness that can be family, tainted by an affair or perhaps multiple, destroyed by the constant search for self not from the holy spirit who feeds your soul but from the world that is chaotic and itself lost, I woke up this morning, heart pounding, conflict laden, soul heavy and yelling at the top of my spirit, "Who do you think I am?" As if I've always been searching for that answer from the world, to say, you are good, you are worth fighting for. And through that, manifested in beautiful and disastrous relationships, from the constant searching and prodding and hoping, rather than allowing god to work and laying at His feet, rather than filling my cup with living water, I was showing my empty cup demanding it be filled. 

Needs

I absolutely love my heart - in all its messiness, in all its tangled fierceness, and it sullen stupor - it is my heart and so long as it is pointing in the direction of Jesus - to always center/re-center toward him - a moral compass - no matter the darkness - I know I will find light.

I don't mind the struggle - how did I get there? I grew up being able to find people who believed in me, nurtured me, who listened to me and appreciated my thoughts and emotions. Many are not so blessed. This didn't happen in my own family necessarily but I did have a rock - my father - through him - I saw a display of all emotions and having been a witness to that - I can say I am better for it.

So now - what am I feeling - distress? fear? hope? anger and frustration? I was going to say I don't understand how I got myself in this situation but I sure 100% do - I didn't listen to my heart - and now in part I feel stuck but in part I feel capable and able to change it. I keep finding hope and light but question if I am making it up.

I hope I raise a child that can trust his instincts; that can love and stand by sadness and to meet somewhere where they are at - but I am afraid that he can't learn that here - because it doesn't happen here - in my home...this makes me sad. I suppose I believe it can and I have seen days and years of damaged turned around by later consistent love and care.

We can do that for people! How amazing is that ability!
I also feel incredible guilt - guilt that I may never share the same level of emotional intimacy or joy with the man I married as I have shared with others in my past. Guilt that he may never experience what this pure joy looks like because I cannot give it or we cannot create it. I am trying right now BUT it is so hard.

Thankful for rain today because I need a good cleansing spirit to wash away my hurt and sins. To identify this burden and then to lay it down as it shapes and morphs into pearls of wisdom and then is given back to me to treasure and move through me and those around me.

I am upset by knowing what I need is emotional connection and feeling my every need slip through cracks because that need is not met and additionally spit upon my glares of distastes or a turned back and blind eye to my tears, my thoughts, my feelings. I feel dismissed and disdained. That single touch, that awkward smile as you walk away, is that enough? that "we will work on it" as you walk away, will it happen? or am I just bidding my time and falling deeper into the ditch we have dug.

No I suppose I don't feel that utterly hopeless - I believe the large deep hole has been made more shallow and I can inhale though I'm still waiting to breathe freely.

Exhale.

victory of health struggles

My patients struggle. I struggle. I don't have diabetes. I don't have a hurt back (at least not anywhere close to what my patients experience). I don't have some autoimmune disease. I am not obese.

But sometimes I eat things and know that I'm eating it because it makes me feel good now but I may regret it later. I eat it out of spite for what I'm experiencing inside of me. I want to stuff my face and my gut so full of processed chemicals or sweet moist chocolate something or rather. I want to drive through McDonald's or Jack in the box and chase away tears and find memories of my past that maybe brought happiness.

So, that struggle sucks. Rather than somehow face some nebulous emotional problem that has no immediate answers, I want to inhale food. So much so that I guess it makes it harder to find the answers and then maybe we hate ourselves a little. Maybe we ask of ourselves to be better. We find a way. We know what works. We try again, we feel good but that goodness is tainted with the next day when we don't do good. We label. We look at labels.

And we say, this isn't enough. But FRIENDS, IT IS enough. The process of finding victories and having them IS ENOUGH. Don't let yourselves be defeated. Is that our problem? We defeat ourselves before we have even tried? COUNT THOSE VICTORIES. CELEBRATE THOSE VICTORIES. WHEN YOU FALL, dust it off, get back on the horse and do it again and Smile BECAUSE you have found it - you are victorious and made to be victorious.

permission to pursue

Thank you Pastor Michael Todd for the sermon series on relationship goals. It's such a powerful message even at 35 years old. I wish I had heard it sooner but what can you do? I wanted to write about what "permission to pursue" has revealed to me because it feels so BIG. The very heart breaking idea that these things/people/places in my life that are causing me harm is because I DID NOT ask from God the permission to pursue. WHY NOT seeking wisdom from the wisest, from our creator. Even if in disbelief you ask, what do you have to lose?

So here I am, 12/16/19 fully aware of the mess I am in is because of the decisions I've made WITHOUT HIM (our all loving, full of plan/purpose for our life designer), reminding myself/praying for wisdom/guidance to be reminded and to keep HIM FIRST. SEEK first the kingdom of god and all things will be unto you.

I'll slip up, I forget, or maybe I won't - May I continue to ask God first/put him first in my decisions. Does this please him? Because in that, through that, ALL MY TREASURES/REWARDS are just waiting...

Finding vision

several months ago, I discovered the world of self help books, possibly all by chance but perhaps more true, I needed/I need help. In that time, a pneumonic has stuck with me: SAVERS. The idea and concept is inspiring from a slightly sycophantic book titled The Miracle Morning, but nonetheless inspiring: Wake up early and make time for yourself. It may be 5 minutes or an hour BUT take the time and use SAVERS to remember how to get the most of your time: S- silence, A-affirmations (the world is full of toxic can't do attitudes, don't be your worse critic, be your greatest champion and AFFIRM yourself), V - vision (visualize you/where you want to be, engage all your senses as if you have already achieved this vision: the essence of the best selling SECRETS), E - exercise (get blood flowing throughout your body/wake up your senses), R - reading (you are not alone, there is help out there, read), S - scribe/write. 

So, here I am, not quite morning, more like my son is asleep, 6 years has passed, maybe 10 years, and I need to write. I need to find my purpose/my vision. It's so easy to be lost: to wake up, do things that need to get done, go to sleep, wake up and do it again, get frustrated, do it again - no passion, no purpose. 

So, what is it? What is this passion of mine? To help people find their passion/purpose so that they can give to the world what they were meant to give. To help people achieve health in body, mind, spirit. To love my family. To raise James that he may know God and get to serve Him - that he would make the choice to let God manage his life. 

For me: Be one with God's given purpose - to be intimately connected to our creator. To be a witness to His Miracles daily. 

Well, that was not what I expected - I thought it would be some long, drawn out process, but that's it, that's what I want to/get to do with this life I've been given. 

May you rest in knowing that there is a purpose for the life you have - take the time to discover it - or live it. 

Dear New Year

Hello 2015. This is fun, it's 12:28am and I decided to start blogging again. This time, I hope I don't stop. I'm finishing up interviews and am putting together a rank list. It's a pretty exciting time. Not to mention, I'm hoping to start another medical related blog soon, I'll let you (the random ethereal world out there) know as soon as I get it up and running. That's exciting too.

I had other ideas for this first post of 2015 but I think that will be it for me...Just a start. The other postings were drafts from 2012 that I had never published though I'm not sure why. Man, I love writing random thoughts that come to my mind. Till next posting.

Oh, wait a sec, I should probably do a quick update since our last post - I'm married, have a 13 month old son and live in Seattle and I graduated medical school. Awesome.

why is it always so difficult to see beauty when it is in front of you?

one split second, one decision can change the course of our lives
for better or worse
no, never worse
because the course...if given over to God can be shifted and changed
the spirit of eternity prevails
and a joyful life is what He wants for His children
His blessings and His grace abounds
with him, no matter the circumstance, we live in plenty.

oh to love freely

I used to love a lot! At least, it was easy to say the words, I love you, to call a friend dear, sweet heart. In middle/high school, it wasn't a problem to love so much - at least I was better blinded - and then for some time, I realized I couldn't say I love you to a friend...I was too afraid that it would mean too much to them and not as much to me or that in saying I love you, I couldn't stand behind the weight and responsibility of that love to lift someone up or to call regularly...because people said they loved me and did that. Now, in a moment of bliss of just completing a big exam (regardless of success levels)...I freely threw out those words to friends/friends who know very little about me and I know very little about them (because I've spent the last month studying, because I never really asked the questions and they never really asked about me...because we were all studying, all the time). Is it better this way? Better to say I love you then to be scared, better to just love anyway and worry about the consequences/responsibilities later? How can I do both? Sorry not a very good posts, but eh...I'm writing this for me.

traveling, traversing...

it must be me...am i not good at this thing called traveling? haha traveling and blogging via a spanish keyboard. or can i possibly ever blame my traveling partners, comraderies, etc.

i love to travel. i love to see the world in a different light, the blazing deceitful sun of bogota, the unarming people of vietnam, the lack of a social smile but the genuine character of indigenous people, the roaring waters of a different sea, the sweet cold chill of maine lakes, the love of friends, the joy of meeting and mingling, the spirit of sun setting. So, why is it so difficult to find peace? have i truly found god or am i alone? or like life, there are endless things to learn. so today`s struggle is no different than yesterday`s...different characters, different actors, same stage, same lesson. same same but different. or am i at a better place? have i learned and now am i learning more? can i undermine where i have been...that seems silly enough, of course i can´t. we are our past, but of course we are always more, we are our today.

so, what is the same, anger sucks. meanness sucks. elements that consume your thoughts and suck you into a deep dark place sucks. god doesn´t suck. talking to god always rocks. his peace is brilliant. he is sal de la tierra y sol del mundo.

gracias colombia para hoy.

found poem

my lovely dear
no rash decisions - made w/out though - scratch that - just prayer and petition
You, Father, knows what's best
I defer wholly to Your wisdom
who i am supposed to be with
and where I will go
no need for answers and details of the life to come
just the next step is all
you give as much as you please
at first i though of writing a poem
about love but all that came out
was menat soley for you
so here are my burdens
my father and where he needs to be
my friend and who he is in my life
the rest and where it will end
i wait for you
Father, shall i fast and pray and for
how long? of what?
you are my every delight. my only clarity and saving grace.
i know when your spirit moves through me
and when - no way - can it be of my own
all i have is yours
and all you have is mine
because you died and layer yourself on the cross
our sins to paid
what more can i say. thank you.
will you guide me the rest of the way?

working on an engagement or a marriage feels right...always does because you know you are working toward something that is supposed to be permanent, a lot like working toward heaven and eternal life. though no work can make it perfect, the striving and the effort is enough.

so in so many ways, this feels so right. to start over, to redo, and to say that this is it...this is what i will work on and towards for my entire life --- allowing the time and the space for God to work -- to make sure that his hand is directing and guiding. If we jump and it isn't onto a soft cloud to cushion our fall, then pray still, that God can redirect. Before I jump again, God, speak to me and let me know i'm jumping in the right direction.

love without chemistry

is it possible to be so completely in love with someone, mutually, without being compatible? I've struggled so much with that question over the past several months. As far as I can tell right now, the answer to that is no. No because when you completely love someone, and you both choose to give of yourself to the other person, you find the compatibility where the compatibility doesn't exist and you bring out the things that do work. The problem is, we don't all love like this, that game of give and take when a new relationship is forming gives us that room to breathe and love, but rarely do we automatically love so deeply.

if all of the bible hinges on our ability to love god and to love our neighbors as ourselves (because God knows just how much we love ourselves)...then love is hardly about compatibility and more about giving ourselves completely. For God so love the world, that He gave his only begotten son. And when a man loves a women, it should be as God loves the church, ready to lay down his life.