title: poetic waxings

it must be that when i'm sad, the walls that i put up in my thoughts or my emotions are broken down, so that the words can truly reflect how i feel. or that feelings are so acute that defined words are easier to come by... ha, i think. it is just that i am almost always compelled to write when i'm sad or sadder or desperately broken and emotionally hurting to the point where physically i feel sick. It's not quite that exactly, it's more that i was sad and i had so many thoughts come through me that i couldn't sleep so the day after was filled with false energy and therefore nausea.

here are my latest thoughts:
I ask: God - can you just make him/turn him into the man for me so that i don't have to hurt again?

i want to tell you that it hurts so bad but for the sake of the game, I can't. Though probably i have already so for now, happy birhtday will have to do.

yea, i don't expect this to make sense to so many people, but eh.

this one should go down on life's lessons here - at least i get to grow through my hurts.
thank you c.jamison.
courting is intentional
dating is recreational

and i want someone who's leadership i am confident in... sweet words of truth and clarity.

started anatomy class today! what a whirlwind. i heard this class was difficult but geez, it's intense.

<3 in love.
Hang

list of things to do when you find out dad has cancer

i'm sure i'll be adding to this list later on and I wish i had made it before or found a list similar because i can't change the past.

1) share with my dad everything that he might experience with brain cancer
2) talk about his emotions early on
3) prepare for his death by talking about how he would like to be buried.
4) take video footage of my dad asking him how he would like to be remembered, asking him to talk to himself and motivate himself because there will be days where he feels like giving up.
5) find out what motivates him
6) find out what he loves to do and identify ways to do them before he can't or in his limited capacity.
7) have him talk to someone about his illness
8) give him time alone with all of his family members
9) show him how to use the equipment we would have in the house when he can't walk/use the bathroom
10) pray harder

the documentation of lies

lying is probably one of the greatest offense.
i hate liars. love the sinner, hate the sin. right?
so, how about this one. last night she said she was going to pick up food for my dad.
she was gone for 1 and half hours. this morning, there is no new food in the fridge to speak of.
several weeks ago, she mentions that the dog is from a stranger, and then from her sister's boyfriend's father, and was at one moment okay to give the dog away and the next, unable to. the dog disappears for days. apparently, he is with her sister.

now there's a more concerning case, of immigration. she said she needed the most recent tax records in order to open a new nail shop so that she and her sister could have "personal income" so that they can bring someone over from Vietnam.

days later, she says she's no longer working on that project.

today, i find the will is missing and our bank of america accounts have less than $1000 each.
sure, i want to trust. i keep trying to trust. but wtf??!

this is so lame.

san francisco; new york.

desired imagination
unrequited likeness
shared and gone, like days unrecovered
memories unclear
wild thoughts and stomach knots
meandering
lost

today i may have had my chance...

to say goodbye to my dad. to let him know that he was a good dad. to let him know that its okay if he goes because he's going to a better place. i had a chance to tell him that i love him and that all of our mistakes have been forgiven. i told him that he doesn't have to be afraid and that it is going to be okay. God, please be okay. please be there to meet him so that i can meet him again in his perfect body.

this god...we all have to believe in something. some people talk about god allah, some talk about god as an unknown being beyond us, others, god the father... somewhere in between believing and believing in nothing...our wires must get crossed and we have to know that maybe we're all talking about the same god. right?

i read gone from my sight today and it lists a number of signs of death approaching... how can be such a science. how do some people get to know it so well that they can tell you the signs?
1. he sleeps a lot
2. he is getting to be incontinent - unable to control his bladder.
3. he can't feel his arm and can't respond to me when i say bend your knee.
4. he lays in bed all day except for meals and sometimes skips meals
5. he legs and arms do become bluish and purplish
6. he wanted to listen to music tonight!!
god please... heal him.
maybe we'll see a miracle. maybe his heart will change and stay changed and maybe he will know things that people who are alive and well don't know and maybe he can tell us all about it.

what an adventure.

Hang