Click

It's nearly 9pm, the day has washed right over me, eyes glazed over from minutes upon minutes of netflix parisian homes, sprinkled with touches of sunshine and gentle bay breezes, but mostly here in front of this screen, perhaps somewhat productive morning among physicians on a screen learning about anxiety and psychotherapy, but between then waking up groggy in the midst of a gut wrenching chase amongst dreams till now, I have had probably hundreds of clicks, between one screen to the next, searching for something, wishing for something, for a minute I was lonely though not alone, broken by vast impassable invisible wall between spouses (?) how odd is that, 3650 days together married and it feels so fragile, could break any moment...my word of the last couple of days is "starter marriage" from Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld...loved it for the romance, wonder if and when and how I can have such a thing as beautiful. 

Like strangers passing, only sharing superficial words about the weather; what is that? dreams are too hard to share, because there's no desire to actually know one another; can it be that the dislike is so deep, the chasm too great to overcome? 

I say this with my clicks, one letter to the next, words that help heal me because it speaks to me; it is these moments of reflection, at least, you my computer screen, is listening. 

Christmas reflections

This is it, that moment when I get to sit and ponder the year that has been - feel the presence of God in the still of the night, one that carries the weight of centuries and decades, that sweeps through all humanity and our history, one swift breeze that moves us into some destined future but not without first settling on THIS day, this place, this current breathe. The glow of light from our 8 year old 3 foot tall tree and a new star brought in from Germany by my in laws. I don't know what tomorrow looks like but I know I can be here and smile, full of gratitude for life and health and calm waters. Let me push away any fears for I know you are with me. 

Let me rejoice in the 8 year old spirit that I get to call son and see and feel in every inch of his body the anticipation of Santa and Christmas joy. To be asked for hugs all day and to feel his precious body and know and pray that God has him because we've asked and because He promises. 

Let me still feel the ties of blood bonds even if I cannot see them and give them reason to smile through my love flows. 

Let me speak without words to my husband so that he knows he is deeply valued by us and our creator. In in bravery shake off the hurts that tighten his chest. 

Let there be air. 

This year, I've become a doctor of medicine, in my bones I think I feel the essence of a healer though I look forward to diving in even deeper. 3.5 years out of residency; 5 will be better I'm told but I'm thankful for this moment and the trials that led us here. 

May God speak to the men and women of this world and may we continue to move toward his voice to bring us together. 

This year, I felt pain of too many patients passing. 

This year, I traveled...oh wow I saw pieces of America the beautiful and we did it in style - via RV. 

This year I got to embrace my grandmother again and I pray for many more. This year I got to share that love with my son so that he may remember from where he came from. This minute, I realize my resilence came from love. Most certainly my grandmother's love and truly the work of my father. I am forever grateful. 

This year I've got to envision more of what God has called and spoken onto my life and the pieces seem to be coming together - let's just say me and block parties will never die...yea it's going to happen. it's going to do something cool and it's going to change lives. 

Because that's what I'm in the business of doing, helping to make lives whole and fulfilled. Helping to build community because without that...we will continue to struggle to stay above the water. 

This time last year, I sat here but it was much later so my rantings were more out of delirium. 

And in a few days, I'll set the trajectory for my year ahead. 

The year took off and somehow it's ending, surely i've grown, yeah definitely am more patient, definitely figured a few things out. To next year, to stronger friendships, to deeper communities, to love unimaginable. 

May God Bless You and May He Keep You. 

The motivation pathway

How does one enjoy thanksgiving dinner without overstuffing or overdoing it on the pie? 

Why does one do it in the first place? 

How so many us have gotten into the "deprived" mind set without ever actually experiencing true deprivation with the hamster wheel weight loss cycle and how do we address the depth of deprivation for those that have experienced it and cannot get off the hamster wheel? 

I'm in my 5-6th week of noom and have experienced such freedom both consciously and unconsciously in my food choices and it gets me excited to step on the scale. I started off somehow worried that I wouldn't be able to eat the foods I wanted so I over indulged and every day I overshot my calorie balance and I saw it on the scale and finally it clicked that if I wanted to see a change on the scale I had to make some different choices but I also had to rid myself of this idea - that piece of chocolate is going to be there when I have more room in my "calorie budget." 

After awhile as is natural for our bodies to crave healthier foods, it doesn't have as much of a draw. 

The point is the psychology is intriguing and the idea of deprivation is complex. As we try to motivate people toward a healthier relationship with food and a real solid attempt at losing weight, we have to understand how the depth of that deprivation has played a role in unhealthy eating habits. 

Oh man - 13 years later

I can't believe I wrote in this blog this year, I looked at the year 2021 on the blog posting and then at the bottom right corner of my laptop - you have got to be kidding, I've been writing a little something here for at least 13 years...

Mind blown - I can see my 7 year old say that right now. Holy stinkin' cow and beyond that I read through years of journal entries (which was covered by maybe 20 or so blog posts), how odd not to even remember writing them and to not so clearly remember the moments that are talked about...

I read through my brothers first plane ride and trip to Philadelphia, wondering now if I was so distracted that I couldn't really always be present...darn. I still remember that day we played mini golf, so strange that Sam and his kids lived in Pennsylvania! How in the world did that happen??! 

Then I read through my trip from Philly to SD that later played out in my dad's brain cancer diagnosis. I remember moments...ah gripes over not being present again. 

But I guess at the end of the day, I still have one thing to say and that is God, thank you, you clearly have been watching over me. Thank you for the wisdom that has guided me to today because I know there were times I had to be carried and I know you did the carrying. 

There are still months left and goals that I can still dream up...maybe they will come to me and I'll figure out how to write it down right here on this blog. 

Love, 

Hang 

fools rush in...

i wanted to write about friendship today cause i realize so many of them (in my life) are shallow and because sometimes i don't know what being a friend means but i guess, i'm not really writing much about that, i just want to say that hurting really sucks. My impatience is not excluded from pain. it is amplified. i want the pain to go away.

but at the same time, i don't. i ask god to empty me, to break me down...and the man works in mysterious ways.

dang it, i am an emotional roller coaster. a part of me breaks down and the other part wants to keep my cool. i am not cool. i am eating honey wheat braided twist pretzels at 1 in the morning. when i cry, i often can't just cry about one thing. my mind goes every which way. i wonder if i'm being selfish (there are far worst situations), if i'm being rational, if i can really let myself feel the pain. let's be real...love hurts and it hurts more when you make stupid, rash decisions.

sorry, i'm so vague. i was thinking about this whole online journal bit and i think i may be saying too much already to whoever and in no way is this blog at all anonymous. FEAR god. i say that because so much of my deepest feelings i still try to keep between me and the man upstairs, but i'm not a secretive person.

it might be a little crass to be so open. i think it's my "open book" policy. does that make sense? eh, i'm open for rebuttals; perhaps i am ....

perhaps i thought i posted this and finished it, but found it waiting for me in the draft section.(hmm this was actually written probably 6 years ago...not sure how to publish to the right time period)

#thethirdway

#thethirdway When you know there’s better and you are on the search for it. When you know Jesus is behind it- through all the heartache and all the joy. When your excitement keeps you up because you’ve been listening to that inner voice. When you start tapping into dreams and seeing your soul. When you find answers and more questions. When you don’t stop searching. When you embrace your dreams and find ways to make it a reality. When peace comes not without fighting but fighting well. When discussions are hard but you push through. When you see another day. When moments blow you away. When you celebrate others. When what overflows from you is the love of Christ that fills you. #findingmyway #discovering#tags 

Day after

Day after Christmas 

still worthy of thought 

still one to cherish 

perhaps more important still 

one day nearer 

to death and resurrection 

more important because the distractions have subsided 

and we can reflect 

treasure what truly is our gift 

today I saw a rainbow and recognized its value 

in all its glory and beauty 

passing only for some to see 

a message 

of hope? 

like our life which is but a vapor 

fades 

there is hope for wonderous 

beyond 

far far beyond or within 

a wholeness that is meant for each of us 

present 

perfect beauty that exists 

though not quite in full form 

here 

so heaven ward I cast my eyes 

and my spirit flies 

let me be