Searching My Heart

philosophical moment

2011-12-15T08:49:00.000-08:00

Dear School,

the constant stress of having to know something for an exam/quiz takes away from actually learning. um...so stop please.

thanks,

Hang

new quotes during rotation presentation

2011-11-08T09:40:00.000-08:00

- we all have different mileage
- go slow so you can go fast
- Dr. Scott Helf

yay rotations. I can't believe this is happening. I'm definitely hoping to travel during this time.

coming full circle and taking in the moments

2011-06-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

hmmm hmm...just listening to some light folksy artsy music and taking yet another break from studying. I think it will be okay.

TODAY I went back to Afsoon's apartment in college park (nearly a year after learning that my dad had died alone). You know, I'll probably never be able to put the guilt and shame to rest, but I have learned to let death be one end of something that I cannot spend time worrying about. That probably makes no sense; it's about have tigers at both ends and staying right where you are to grab a strawberry from the vine and enjoying it.

Today, we did yoga and we meditated. It was a very beautiful meditation and I'm want to hold on to that for awhile.

10 more days and school is out. 10 more days and I'll be in Viet Nam with my friend exploring 101 things.

today, there was also an NPR special about 150 people max life's relationships. would love to get a copy of that.

today, i will keep studying till bed. so no more distractions?!

sweet dreams.

1st year of medical school

2011-05-31T15:26:00.000-07:00

wrapping up the first year with some musculoskeletal work; I am not ready for it to end, but it's going to whether I want it or not. It ending means it's been nearly a year since my dad died. I want him here, want to keep his memory alive, but there are things I have to let go of... I am rambling because it's been so stinkin long since I've written anything. I am headed to Viet Nam is a less than two weeks and I cannot wait to find peace there; I can't wait to be in the town where my dad grew up.

I can't wait to do medicine and to stop being scared of it. My goal with med school is to be prepared for anything - to spend the time necessary to learn how to help people who are ill - I haven't quite gotten there yet so I guess, I better keep trying.

Identity crisis still? yea, not confident in who i'm supposed to be (break out in song) or ...i forgot the words. Just exactly what am I good at - where is my potential - and how do i focus on making those things good.

I'm God's child. I love it, but I hate fighting other people's positivity with negativity. it is such a natural response for me yet when someone else is neg, i have no problem being positive. so...i probably do have an argumentative streak (Oppositional defiant disorder). well curse word, what do i do with that?

Ask me if i've retained anything from this year? If i do a head check now, it feels so empty. weighty head. I'm more sick and unhealthy now than I have been EVER. crud. BUT, I did start running again and yesterday's 20 min run wasn't so bad, had a little spring to my step. I better not stop. athersclerotic clot build up is a little excessive and what the heck am i doing eating chicken that has been left out all day. tsk tsk.

MEXICO THIS WEEKEND FOR liga trip. super amped about it. super thankful for the man who encouraged me to go.

church. god. catholicism? christianity. JESUS. so interesting = meaningful discovery.

the end. Gonna get back to reading things about things.
tabla rasa.

day before exams

2011-02-21T16:06:00.001-08:00

here i go again. god take away this feeling of neediness. help me obey you in ways i can not imagine. I am ever so grateful for this day and all days before exams. Perhaps i will endlessly take exams and will endlessly remember that you are in control and the lives you have taken away (the breaths you have ended) are for a greater purpose. I know I'm in a good place because you are here. Constantly i am failing. constantly i am afraid of myself. constantly i fail to trust my instincts because i don't believe i am safe in your hands.

with time, will you continue to show me the truth despite my stubborness.
dad - i love you.
family - i miss you.
balance - find me.
future - stun me.
friends - we are so far apart.

relationships - why so great and so horrible at the same time?
why do issues of relationships plague me? quiet my spirit.

the end.

poems/thoughts from guatemala

2011-01-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

half moon over looking the lake
small birds rapidly descend
like ashes from the surrounding volcanoes

getting in touch with God
who wants to walk me through my day
and put me to sleep at night

cuando me enamaro

success -
insecurity of others success
good enough?
qualified to share my thoughts, if any
must allow others to feel they can always share their thought
and that their thoughts are valuable

what kind of woman do i want to be?
who can i look up to?

ask questions.

fear of changing lifestyles (i don't remember what i meant)

does the comfort of sharing/spending time together develop over time or should it come naturally? what's better? healthier?

the weight of a calendar

2010-11-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

trying to put away a few things in my room and picked up a wall calendar i was using earlier this year when I was home in San Diego. In between my fingers and sandwiched within my thoughts are all that has happened this year. Made of square boxes and sequential digits are the numbers of my days. In them, is the time amongst friends, the desperation of wanting things to pass, and the absolute desire to hold on to every minute.

I can't believe November is almost over. Yet again, another year...
This one was tough, painful, full, and still hopeful of more to come.

just too short

2010-10-23T22:48:00.001-07:00

who am i to say that my father's life was too short? i can only guess at the greater things the past is meant for, in terms of the future. Unfortuante truth is that i have no idea why. i won't be able to figure out why at 49 - he had to leave the way he did - all of the pain is still as clear as last night's events. So i won't ask for why, but i hope you understand that i'm still mourning over not having you here. despite all faults, you were a great man and a great dad.

daddy - i love you. i miss you. i want you back.

my ode to fire

2010-10-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling the way the weather feels : gentle storm
my emotions have been like the ocean waves against the shore line
they're moving and stirring with a life of their own
so i light a candle or two and let the flames take these emotions for me
the music box jazz soothes
the delightful heat fire warms
studying is not going to be a chore
i just have to begin

nasal drip

2010-10-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

fever is running
the heat wraps you in a dozen wool blankets
handkerchief is forever slimy
woken up from last night's sleep
the nose is still running
this is not a great poem
but i was thinking about this heat that warms you from the inside out and
then craddles you back along the light speed
time travel
you're back to childhood
and the scents of memories take you back from
15 to 13 and 13 to 10 and 10 to 7 and maybe you stay at 7 for awhile
but it feels right to be there when you're not feeling so well
i have found my new time travel device: the nasal drip, body heat, sick but not too sick to bear.

the end.

new york morning

2010-10-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

the computer signed me on automatically so i'm going to write down memories that i might forget:
1) jeff and vanessa's wedding was beautiful - i can't believe lifetime marriages are possible - but they will be living proof.
2) michelle and danny are an amazing team. michelle is particularly wonderful and an awesome female companion. i may be in love =). i love that her appreciation for life is genuine and shines through her.
3) live jazz is great.
4) new york central park reading farenheit 451 then talking to matt on the phone was reminiscent and also wonderful.
5) streets lined with activity and life at 11pm, let alone 1am is still an unbelievable feeling.
6) still love walking and public transportation
7) seeing friends from college - especially sigma kappa girls - had a nice hue to it, maybe even provided me with a pair of rose colored glasses about college but i'll take it.
8) and lastly, coffee at roslyn claremont hotel was hmm hmm good as was the late night NY pizza - increible!

alone time.

2010-09-26T00:48:00.000-07:00

...not too able to write, no coherent thoughts
so just a couple of words strung together to clear my mind
lauryn hill would be nice
pandora? ipod please.
give me soul
and i'll give you passion
no alternative slow aching rock
dear wide eternal water stream reflect on me
ah peace
or not, more like frustrations from an extremely slow computer
how bout missing daddy
i hope you know i'm thinking about you
and mom, sorry i missed your call. should have called right back.
i love my family.
i miss my family.
thanksgiving...

goodnight.

2010-09-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

fleeting, precious moments of life, how do i capture all of you?
classical beats drum in peaceful background
memories pulled out of online photographs
delicious smiles
eternal stares
life is fleeting yet eternal
help me find you here

dream state

2010-09-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

last night i dreamt of two dime sized neon green colored frogs. i had them in a small case but they leaped out when i opened the plastic zipped up fist size breathable container. they went everywhere, even outside on the otherside of sliding glass doors. one in particular, i think his name was something child-like with the added pet name "y" on the end: greeny or something. he was cute. very cute. the other was more tamed, but still bounced off the walls before i caught him and put him back. when i finally got greeny, he had jumped into my father's arms and told my dad that he loved him. my dad smiled. i smiled. It was a beautiful glowing moment. then i took greeny into my little palms, off of my dad's chest, and i stared up at the man that raised me with "i love you eyes." I turned, in one hand i had greeny, in the other i searched easily for my green pencil box and i dumped out all my pens, with some hesitation, before i gave greeny and the other a new home in my pencil box. over time, in the course of minutes of dream, my frogs and i developed the sweetest friendship. i would let them go, and they would always return home.

i woke up happy.
love,
hang

date - less

2010-08-25T20:24:00.001-07:00

my sister told me that her mother in law told her not to remember dates and to just remember the life and the moments. so i guess i'm not looking at my watch and recognizing that it's been a little over a month.

today i lit a candle for you. i stared into the faces of your many photos. i wonder why i stare. each look, each glance reminds me that you are not here but i continue to stare. yo ingrain an image of you into my brain before my memory fades.

ba. con nho ba rat nhieu. con sin ba co ngay tot dep voi nguoi tuong.

step 1 - repeat - revisit

2010-08-21T17:38:00.001-07:00

okay today my heart reaches in for a memory of my dad and me together - we were on a boat surrounded by the crashing thunderous roars of niagara falls - there is a hole in my heart where memories were scraped out and pulled to the surface.

how i want my heart to feel: peaceful and appreciative of that moment in time and space.

amen?

2010-08-13T00:50:00.000-07:00

just wondering...
when do i stop wondering how you are?
when do i stop missing you?
when do i stop seeing you in photos and dying myself inside?
daddy - i miss you. i can't believe you're gone.
what's next? what's before me? what's behind me?
how do i do today?
it was too short.

2010-08-01T02:28:00.000-07:00

life...you kill me sometimes with your madness. i was going to post this thought in my head on fb but then i got smart and realized it was too extreme for social media nonsense. who cares?

darn inception - it was so good - and it makes it so hard not to question reality.
people are so shady.

nuff said. this one for me goes on.

looking forward to tomorrow.

hard

2010-07-23T21:54:00.001-07:00

in my head i wrote you a poem
but now i can't remember the words
it was the fondest farewell
the impressed truth
you are away in a better place

but today as i put your shirt away
i realize that this...
has been one of the hardest moments of my life
i miss you

Love,

your daughter

my heart on death

2010-07-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

18 months to prepare
20 months of unnavigated paths
unknown
not enough time to realize he is gone
his touch, his breath
his embracing, piercing eyes
i knew he loved
through His grace
we shall meet again

bad experiment

2010-07-08T22:52:00.000-07:00

nearly a month in and it's kinda crappy to put it lightly...well except for when i decide to write about it...and then i have to put life into perspective and i can't cry for myself because it really isn't that bad.

bla so now that i've started to write, wanting to write about how hard things are and woe is me, i can't.

and He forgives =)

dear dear...can i jump into roaring rapids and flounder around
spring into life
over mountains and hills
through clouds and next to you
glistening sand between toes and wind arms shroud
can we go there and dream

weighty separation anxiety

2010-06-27T23:21:00.000-07:00

like pulling skin

jagged slowly, fast, slowly

layers of fibers course

strips left behind

only to be retrieved later

slowly, fast, slowly

with the weight of 1000x's you and yours

unlike previous farewells

time separation unyielding and pitch black

will i see you again?

will your hands grasp at mine

will your tear shattered eyes pierce into my entire 1-26 souls

you saw me first when i came

must i see you go?

the weight of every goodbye seems heavier than the last

from front doors to airport terminals

now your recliner wheel chair

and heart wrenching unkowns

questioned and hoped for

from your fibers and your dna code

to pieces of me

please come back. lets meet again soon.

*friday night when i arrived at the nursing home, i forgot what i once knew: to not give in until it has been decided. remembering to pray for HIS miracles.

LOVE. GRATITUDE. PEACE.

first days of medical school

2010-06-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

ok so after 4 days and lots of studying, i think i've got it (imagine pointed finger in air, lab coat, gray hair and glasses). Well, until our first exam next week. It is very nice to be able to dedicate all this time to the study of the human body.

we spend 3 hours a day M-F hovering over a dead body, of which i'm very thankful for his donation. the formaldehyde and phenol fly over my goggles and into my eyes. the latex gloves, on the first day, made my hands numb, i've knicked myself with a scalpel, and my normal human clothes, sweats and a tank top, give off the smell from ever fiber.

my bed is uncomfortable and my back is sore - maybe from the now regular use of a backpack - but can we please add regular massage sessions?

i cooked my first meal after eating on wed under the distress of a head cold and 100 +/-2 fever. i had gone grocery shopping at the nearby albertsons and it was ridiculously expensive...and i still bought all the stuff on sale. I also left three peaches on the self checkout counter. how lame. i keep wondering if i could go back, show my receipt, and ask for it. Unfortunately, without gps, i have no idea where the albertsons is located.

i just learned there's a fresh & easy and trader joe's off the freeway, which i have yet to venture out on. however, i have had the great privilege of getting lost many times, not paying attention as i drive, so i've seen a bunch of side streets. makes me happy every time!

one of my books came too! yay. it came despite the wrong address because our post man/woman knows that my house mom often has wayward college students in the home.
i'm hoping my other books will come. and speaking of good neighbors, this morning as i left the house, my house mom's neighbor was watering his yard and directed the hose over to our side to water our bushes.

the end for now.

Hang

work and family

2010-05-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

just a curious thought: if we all saw work as work and life outside of work as such (specifically family)- suitably dividing time between both - with family being more important, what would happen?

should you wait to have your own family before committing to that family? or commit to the one you came from until you leave it?

In my ideal world, everyone has someone they love looking after them. they don't go into nursing homes and they don't become abandoned. it's nice to have the advances of technology, growth in education, new toys to play with and new ways to see the world. How important are those things when the people you care about are left to fend for themselves among others who have been left ...because of different ideas of success?

In a family you could have a small functioning unit of people who have enough time to care for each other i.e. one person is looking after 10 extremely sick people which is near impossible to do well.

hello papa

2010-05-07T10:55:00.001-07:00

anti-depressants when you're on other mind-altering drugs (most, if not all pharmaceuticals) is not a bad idea. so either my dad is more awake because we've been adding a pill of celexa to his regular dose of anti-seizure or because we stopped giving him anti-anxiety drug (which was not supposed to happen), i don't know, but he's been a lot more alert. He smiled today - doubt because i actually said anything funny - but he smiled and everything for that second was brilliant.

yesterday, he also grabbed my wrist and held on tight while i got to be his baby girl and laid my head on his chest. i tried so hard to remember those moments where he patted me to sleep or held me next him because i was his child. I couldn't, but knowing that it had happened was good enough.

God - your everyday will be done.

serenity and such

2010-05-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

i'm really bad at peace, "letting go to divine providence" (thank you dkn)
i am bad at trusting god and letting that still my heart which leads me to feeling unqualified as a christian (so to speak) and that causes more anxiety. It's like a vicious cycle and i'd like to use the term here though i don't think it applies, it's seductive destruction (keller's terms).

anyway, a couple things i want to work on - diligence and inner peace with god. Jesus - show me the way?

love,

hang

poem for you

2010-05-03T00:37:00.000-07:00

In pitch black, I stood
perhaps in fear
or a fog of uncertainty
till i realize
we were a part of a body
with piercing broad vast wings
we came from darkness
into light. we were the light.
From page one of normality
to a story deeper than prodigal son.
It must have been the tales of poo
Ask Rach and Brooke
or in between games of taboo
and birthday cupcakes too.
This is, community.
And I can't wait
there's more to come.

happy birthday rachel, Monday - May 3rd

recognizing everyday heroes

2010-04-29T17:01:00.001-07:00

thanks elyse for sharing this story with me and the rest of our community. Eva died at 26 years old on March 27, 2010 from cystic fibrosis. Her blog can be found at 65redroses.livejournal.com.

...thinking about the legacies we leave or don't leave.

For Pride's Sake

2010-04-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

i can remember a time when I would cringe at the thought of my actions mattering very little or that, maybe i would read into "losing myself" and "saved by grace alone" as I'm not able to do anything on my own accord; that all i did or can do doesn't matter. You know what that is though? Pride.

I was full of pride and unwilling to let it go, to lose myself.

"no man is worthy of me who cares more for father or mother than me; no man is worhty of me who cares more for son or daughter; no many is worthy of me who does not take up his cross and walk in my footsteps. By gaining his life a man will lose it; by losing his life for my sake, he will gain it.

I count everything sheer loss, because all is far outweighed by the gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I did in fact lose everything."

In pride and fear, I held onto my own abilities and wouldn't let the god who created me lead me into the purpose for which i was created from nothing. Instead, i want to ask God everyday, why he gave me today and my breath of life for that day/that moment. how better to seize the day? To fully and completely see your purpose for every waking moment? to sometimes have to go on a limb and say i'm taking this step, but i don't know what tomorrow will bring because i don't know much and i don't have much to offer without You.

Pride is a Big Issue. It's not easy to handle and it comes out in so many ways. I believe there is a distinction between Pride and being proud though. Being proud elicits joy, pride is ego. Proud is contentment and peace, Pride is me over you and my abilities without learning from others. Pride induces jealousy. Can I be jealous that God, who created me, knows me better than me and knows my purpose better than me? Can I be jealous that he wants to be in the life of those he created? Or do i embrace it?

at the foot of your cross.
LOVE.

rattled

2010-04-14T22:30:00.001-07:00

in line with searching my heart...i had a pretty sweet day today and it wasn't horrible even after my sister called. But i've got my teeth clenched and my spinal nerves on alert. For a split second today, I thought I could really hurt someone if they hurt my sister.

But God, you wouldn't have it. I'm loving on and praying for that man that stood in front of my sister's home today thinking nasty thoughts and doing a lot more than just lewd gestures against the window of her home.

Over the past two years, I've come face to face with my dad's mortality, and with the added twist of vietnamese superstition, my mom's. It hasn't been terrible, I am reminded daily to share my love with them that much more. Oh, but to think of my sister's mortality in the hands of a potential sexual predator. I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

Any ideas on what to do?

Love,

Hang

coffee shop culture

2010-04-11T15:39:00.000-07:00

??? what's it all about? there is clearly a woman across from me that isn't doing much, adjusting her music, sitting with incredibly good posture, walking back and forth to coffee counter and holding her mug of fresh brewed/morning brewed coffee...but i can tell she feels cool. i'm not knocking her; i'm not getting much done either. i guess she's trying to write something. i'm just mad that she has impeccable posture for being slightly overweight.

hmm...i'm in a coffee shop and i need to study. great. church was good; it was good to be back at my home church. i can't get away from the rock just yet.

thought on money makers

2010-04-10T11:55:00.001-07:00

netflix can charge $10/month for video rentals and an online database of ready to watch tv shows/movies. Hulu can't, at least not yet. their entire income comes from marketers/ads who are constantly thinking of new ways to capture/engage the audience - to make the audience spend as much time with the product as possible (hence these new interactive quizzes on hulu). I don't think they work.

so why can netflix charge an online membership and hulu can't? I think it's because netflix offers a tangible product, movies delivered to your home. that tangible product helps to create a relationship that is outside of virtual reality. netflix also helped ease the customers of this half internet/half physical reality user into internet using/paying.

what will it say about us as a society when/if we become perfectly content with the virtual reality created by pure internet connections (pay online, use online, communicate online - if at all)?

my hope with bpsd's website is that we're using the internet purely as a tool to enhance physical interactions and relationships - i.e. as a meetup tool/continuing real convesations tool.

launching first trial site in the next week or so.

Please let me love him right

2010-04-06T23:32:00.001-07:00

... I just want to do the right things. of course there are times when I'm sure I'm not and I excuse it somehow, but there are plenty of times where I just don't know what is the right thing to do.
hmm...then again, i know the answer to that... IN EVERYTHING PRAYER AND PETITION.

good enough, i'll stop complaining soon and just start praying/listening/waiting. oh so easier said than done.

been back from ny/philly for about 24 hours. i'm ok with that. my dad looks stronger, but his throat has gotten more pleghmy which i think is yet another indication of his body not working.

=(

gotta study for anatomy quiz tomorrow and nonprofit/ministry work has been put on back burner again.

2010-04-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

in ny at the 88 orchard coffee shop. it's pretty great. had to spend time in the basement to charge up the laptop but now i get to people watch. such beautiful people and so diverse. oh man, i love it.

fascination

2010-03-20T13:04:00.001-07:00

what fascinates you? i just realized as i looked through photos of the more artistic, possibly new york, high fasion life style and drama productions that i'm fascinated by the different worlds we live in/create for ourselves and that although i know we are connected by our humanity, the divide seems vast and crossing it seems impossible. unacceptable? strange? multi-dimensionable? desire to see what it's like on the other side/the unknown?

maybe it is jeremy camp

2010-03-16T21:30:00.001-07:00

this past sunday i went to the swap meet and just walked around alone. for twenty dollars,
i bought a sweet giraffe t-shirt, ear piece for the cell phone, mangoes and avocados, sunglasses, and a jeremy camp CD and my admissions ticket. so now i'm listening to the CD and maybe it is because of jeremy camp, but all i want to do right now is to tell the world how much i love our god. it is an overwhelming feeling that swaddles my entire being and makes me smile.

and i'm smiling despite how awfully unprepared i am for my muscle anatomy exam tomorrow!
sweeet.

till next time.
Hang

i'm not sure i understand what no means

2010-02-26T21:44:00.000-08:00

do i take on more responsibility than i can handle? is their a distinction between not being able to say no and constantly trying to test my limits?

Does sometimes wrapping yourself in the pain of life help you grow out of it more alive, renewed?

Is it okay to not do? if i can only get one or two things done from my list for the day...is that okay to be content with that? i suppose the question is, have i given it my all. did what i accomplish and attempt reflect my passions and talents?

today was an incredibly long day and wonderfully refreshing by the end - when i left the house for the first time without dogs, without dad, without too much on my mind, except for the starry night sky and coming spring breeze.

the dog situation: in nov. my stepmom came home with Jack. i wasn't around. Jack left with my sister and her family. a few days later, and a lot of shady business, Jack was back.
Three days ago, i came home to a second dog, Oreo. She's got curly poodle hair and is probably 11 lbs, maybe less. the next day, i'm in my room, working on Block Party San Diego (not quite where i want it...could use some help), and I hear my stepmom, "Lisa, don't be mad." really? she walks into my room with a 6 week old puppy that fits into the palms of her hands. She has fleas. Her name is Rose (for Jack and Rose from Titanic. Is that even right?). Fleas?

I can't handle it. Do you, rather do I have the time to take care of Your dogs who live in our hosue? Not really. And six weeks nonetheless. She needs potty training. Dear!

Rose leaves for the night, doesn't stay with us. Okay, i think to myself, we might be able to handle two dogs. Dad seems okay with the idea of two dogs. Except, we take care of dad too.
Next day, I'm hanging out with the dogs because who can leave doggy eyes alone? Doorbell rings...maybe it is the nurses aid to help me bathe my dad. nope, it was my stepmother's sister with Rose. Flea Free. Great, smells okay, but pretty potent and certainly somewhat toxic.

whew. I call Ben to come hang out with the dogs. He likes dogs and maybe it will be that much more bearable. Rose is adorable. she sleeps on me and she's so tiny. She's got puppy dog eyes! My stepmom rings the doorbell?! She takes Rose and their are two pre-teenage girls in her car. They're taking the Rose. ok, i can handle that. I have puppy dog eyes. Except it's great, i can't take care of her anyway.

Who are those girls?
"You know, my sister's boyfriend's sister. They're taking the dog for a couple of days because of the flea medicine. they'll wash her etc."
Next day, Rose is back?!!

Fine. Today...I'm up at 4am, clean my dad, and try to study, then back to bed. Up at 7, maybe 8. Dad's not ready to get up, thank goodness. I walk all three to the dog park. it takes forever. Oreo is sweet as heck, but she's not used to walking and people coming so she barks. I can handle that. No! Shhh! does the trick. she's better. Skittish around other dogs, but she'll do fine and she's much more cuddly than Jack, which is kinda nice. It must be a girl thing.

Since Rose is too young to be around the dogs, one of the dog owners at the park helps me zip up my Pink Love jacket and Rose tucks herself inside. It was amazing! but I felt the pang of responsibility that I didn't ask for and could truly do without while simultaneously desiring that I could handle it ALL.

1. take care of dogs, watch them grow up and be awesome!
2. take care of dad, watch him get healthier and better!
3. take care of school, study and love being a doctor.
4. take care of block parties and ministry because community is important and it's fun.
5. take care of this running business...half marathon nonsense...except it's nice to run and to feel that breeze at night and i'm working on discipline this year. help me do that!

love,

Hang

living giving/life defeating

2010-02-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

if i really looked at all of my decisions, i bet i would find 10s if not hundreds of regularly contradicting choices.

on the basic end of the spectrum, i want to be healthy, but i eat pizza, chips, ice cream cake, lots of snacks (that's not all i eat, but you know what i mean). i'm trying to train for a 1/2 marathon and on the other, i'm eating things that weigh me down.

on a different side, is the matter of sustaining life or wishing it to end. the back and forth causes distress and our decisions reflect it. i guess this is where god's grace/mercy/power come in - that no matter how much we mess up in our decisions - he's there to forgive and offer redemption. it is not by works, but by faith.

sometimes my dad doesn't want to eat and for a split second, we think maybe it's better that he doesn't, maybe he is about to reach the end so we don't force the issue. in the next moment, he takes food, we offer and he takes and it feels so nice, but he hurts all over his body. we stop the medicine, the putting extra herbs in his food/drink because maybe he does need to go and he doesn't really want it anyway, but when actually faced with an opportunity to eat the right stuff (stuff he likes in manageable amounts and cut up in little pieces so it doesn't overwhelm him) he'll take it, so the herbs come back, the sneaking of extra healthy stuff comes back.

it's hard to advocate for someone that can't communicate with you and it's hard when what is best in your mind fluctuates. so, 1) you have to accept you're not always going to make the right decisions for that person 2) you advocate for his life and his return to health ... no matter the circumstance? if return is posssible? but who says when return is possible or not? who says it will end this year or 10 years from now?

love. obedience.

state of daddy

2010-02-05T15:45:00.000-08:00

it has been a little while since i wrote so since i'm here in the room waiting for my dad to take his medication, i figured i'd write about where he is... 16 months after his diagnosis.

relatively stable
more incontinent or at least he won't give us any warning of when it's coming.
he can't walk. he isn't able to move the right side of his body very well.
his arm has been out of commission since the fall.
his head leans to the left and he doesn't have much of a turning radius.
he's been refusing medication.
temperamental as always, but much more subdued today.
i'm doing my best to make sure he gets his anti-seizure meds. we were taking it twice a day, 750mg tablets, and since his refusal - over the past two weeks - i've convinced him to take it once a day so that we don't go into a last mal-seizure which i think is highly probable.

i still believe he can walk again, but he has to have heart and determination. he has to have resolve and believe that there is a reason for living.

he spends most of his day in bed, but will get up into the wheelchair (well, if i have the strength to get him into it against his will). i'm pretty sure it is good for him to not lay in bed all day.

his right leg has loss a lot of function and is tightening up from lack of blood flow (my guess anyway) so he will scream in pain (level 5 out of 10) if moved. almost like pre rigor mortis.

i'm asking anyone who reads this blog to pray for his resolve/determination to walk again and faith that there is a purpose in all of this.

i've finally come to a point where i feel comfortable with the way i'm managing my emotions/and his health.

thanks for listening. hope this blog helps someone/somebody.

Love,

Hang

title: poetic waxings

2010-01-25T20:20:00.000-08:00

it must be that when i'm sad, the walls that i put up in my thoughts or my emotions are broken down, so that the words can truly reflect how i feel. or that feelings are so acute that defined words are easier to come by... ha, i think. it is just that i am almost always compelled to write when i'm sad or sadder or desperately broken and emotionally hurting to the point where physically i feel sick. It's not quite that exactly, it's more that i was sad and i had so many thoughts come through me that i couldn't sleep so the day after was filled with false energy and therefore nausea.

here are my latest thoughts:
I ask: God - can you just make him/turn him into the man for me so that i don't have to hurt again?

i want to tell you that it hurts so bad but for the sake of the game, I can't. Though probably i have already so for now, happy birhtday will have to do.

yea, i don't expect this to make sense to so many people, but eh.

this one should go down on life's lessons here - at least i get to grow through my hurts.
thank you c.jamison.
courting is intentional
dating is recreational

and i want someone who's leadership i am confident in... sweet words of truth and clarity.

started anatomy class today! what a whirlwind. i heard this class was difficult but geez, it's intense.

<3 in love.
Hang

list of things to do when you find out dad has cancer

2010-01-09T18:17:00.000-08:00

i'm sure i'll be adding to this list later on and I wish i had made it before or found a list similar because i can't change the past.

1) share with my dad everything that he might experience with brain cancer
2) talk about his emotions early on
3) prepare for his death by talking about how he would like to be buried.
4) take video footage of my dad asking him how he would like to be remembered, asking him to talk to himself and motivate himself because there will be days where he feels like giving up.
5) find out what motivates him
6) find out what he loves to do and identify ways to do them before he can't or in his limited capacity.
7) have him talk to someone about his illness
8) give him time alone with all of his family members
9) show him how to use the equipment we would have in the house when he can't walk/use the bathroom
10) pray harder

the documentation of lies

2010-01-09T10:59:00.000-08:00

lying is probably one of the greatest offense.
i hate liars. love the sinner, hate the sin. right?
so, how about this one. last night she said she was going to pick up food for my dad.
she was gone for 1 and half hours. this morning, there is no new food in the fridge to speak of.
several weeks ago, she mentions that the dog is from a stranger, and then from her sister's boyfriend's father, and was at one moment okay to give the dog away and the next, unable to. the dog disappears for days. apparently, he is with her sister.

now there's a more concerning case, of immigration. she said she needed the most recent tax records in order to open a new nail shop so that she and her sister could have "personal income" so that they can bring someone over from Vietnam.

days later, she says she's no longer working on that project.

today, i find the will is missing and our bank of america accounts have less than $1000 each.
sure, i want to trust. i keep trying to trust. but wtf??!

this is so lame.

san francisco; new york.

2010-01-08T18:27:00.000-08:00

desired imagination
unrequited likeness
shared and gone, like days unrecovered
memories unclear
wild thoughts and stomach knots
meandering
lost

today i may have had my chance...

2010-01-03T00:51:00.000-08:00

to say goodbye to my dad. to let him know that he was a good dad. to let him know that its okay if he goes because he's going to a better place. i had a chance to tell him that i love him and that all of our mistakes have been forgiven. i told him that he doesn't have to be afraid and that it is going to be okay. God, please be okay. please be there to meet him so that i can meet him again in his perfect body.

this god...we all have to believe in something. some people talk about god allah, some talk about god as an unknown being beyond us, others, god the father... somewhere in between believing and believing in nothing...our wires must get crossed and we have to know that maybe we're all talking about the same god. right?

i read gone from my sight today and it lists a number of signs of death approaching... how can be such a science. how do some people get to know it so well that they can tell you the signs?
1. he sleeps a lot
2. he is getting to be incontinent - unable to control his bladder.
3. he can't feel his arm and can't respond to me when i say bend your knee.
4. he lays in bed all day except for meals and sometimes skips meals
5. he legs and arms do become bluish and purplish
6. he wanted to listen to music tonight!!
god please... heal him.
maybe we'll see a miracle. maybe his heart will change and stay changed and maybe he will know things that people who are alive and well don't know and maybe he can tell us all about it.

what an adventure.

Hang

alive in conflict

2009-12-31T10:06:00.000-08:00

i thought about two things this morning
how we need conflict to feel alive or that conflict can make us feel more alive. We are supposed to struggle with the hard issues.

and second?
i'm not sure.

my dad is having an okay morning!

identity crisis

2009-12-27T01:00:00.001-08:00

Hang/Lisa/Hang/Lisa...

seriously. It's not really hang, it's hang with accents and for several years of my life...i think i was only hang with accents. I can't remember what folks called me in the first grade. I did go to kindergarten at a vietnamese church so i'm sure they called me hang with accents.

I became lisa in the second grade. one minute i'm attached to the name and the next I am not. same goes for hang.

it's a bit difficult to have some friends call/family call you lisa while others call you hang/hang with accents. tomorrow, i'm going to take tally of the different names and we'll see what i get called by most. should be interesting and maybe it will give me some insight into what i'm supposed to call myself. maybe Lisa is a nickname though it's not as good a nickname as sushine or any tasty treats (apple, cookie, bunny?, babe? - as in pork?). I suppose the later are more pet names, but anyway...

i just typed Hang at the end of an email and for a split second would have much rather typed Lisa. weird.

On some rather amazing fun news, my dad had the heart to try to take a couple of steps today!!!!!!!!!!!! yup. yup. it can only be...that holy spirit. i feel like breaking out into some kirk franklin.

also, my eye developed a weird twitch...just started today and i don't know why.

christmas with dad

2009-12-26T10:44:00.000-08:00

I wanted to say all of this yesterday, but by the time the day ended, i was too tired. this christmas, my sister, josh, joseph, kailyn, and i laid hands on my dad. we prayed with conviction and with expectancy.

1. in the name of jesus, walk
2. holy spirit change his heart
3. heal his body

later that night, after having gone to christmas at my dad's sisters and then at my mom's sisters, he asked me to help him out of bed. actually, he tried to do it by himself! we got into the wheelchair and strolled out into the living room. He had a bit of soup and we opened the present my sister gave him: a new pair of pajamas and a collage of him and kailyn. i felt the joy in his heart. He was pleased.

i wish i could have taken a photo of that moment. so today's prayer is for the holy spirit to give him a spirit of perseverence and strength and to heal his body.

on a less than pleasant note, our dog jack has diarrhea and he left me some accidental presents by the christmas tree.

just a couple lessons this week

2009-12-16T23:48:00.001-08:00

love needs no reasons
like forgiveness is required when there are no valid excuses or good reasons

to be so aware of how little we know
but to reject the idea of god
is narrow
shortsighted at best

pray with conviction
pray with expectation
pray with FAITH

mastering the art of wasting time

2009-12-11T23:26:00.000-08:00

check phone every five minutes (for no reason)
spend hours on fb looking at photos (perhaps of yourself; is that vain?) and checking on people.
i was looking for a new profile picture.
getting all sorts of emotions over wasted time.
watched hulu - should have gone out to rent a movie but didn't want to be in the rain.
blowing your nose a lot which i'm convinced makes it stuffier.
and going on blog to write about nothing significant. i should take notes on the book i'm reading now called boundaries. hopefully i'll learn more about myself or how to be a better me.

my sister and i put up the fake christmas tree today. we also had our first hospice aid visit. it was good. my dad made it on to the wheel chair and left his room for the first time in over a week. celebrate the small stuff.

it keeps hurting so much

2009-11-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

every friday and saturday now i spend my entire day with my dad, except for the occassional saturday block party. i try to be "productive" - whatever that looks like - but i end up bumbling around, nothing complete, little accomplished. words of encouragment go into one ear and out the next. his arm stays motionless. please dad, you move your hand now. you can do it. that's it, take a step. then i recount the steps, diagnosis, surgery, doing okay, another surgery, good, good, hospital. not good. recover? please?!! no. he's stuck. i feel stuck.

i wonder if i'm crying more because it feels so helpless or because when i reach out for a shoulder to cry on...i don't know where to turn. i also wonder what it would be like if they never got a divorce. if instead of having to drive 30 minutes to get to my mom, i can just turn around, walk into the other room and say mommy, hold me.

i don't really know what i need to do; just crying because i know tomorrow will come and i'll at least face it. and monday will come and i'll have to go to work.

that's my story today.

replay

2009-11-23T22:08:00.001-08:00

not good enough...
damn, what happened this year? why did i wait to talk to him? was it the endless hours of research and finding the best surgeon or the endless hours of tv that i wallow(ed) in? because now...he can't talk and he can't tell me how he feels without anger and name calling. it hurts and then it doesn't. god, i'm so incredibly blessed to have a home, to have some friends, food, everything i need.

my dad is angry and detached because he thinks its the easiest thing for everyone. he doesn't want anyone to see him like this (possibly to remember him like this - sick and hurting); i can't change him.

in my own anger, i slammed the door on my fingers today and it looks pretty gnarly. some bruising and dried blood now. crazy eh?

goodnight.

addicted to television

2009-11-07T23:09:00.000-08:00

i'm addicted to hulu tv and it's really bad, but i realized that i can't stop watching (outside of any mind altering hypnosis) because i love the instant satisfaction of happiness. i am addicted to happy endings.

holden caufield

2009-10-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

sometimes... i just want to put my life in a box and stop time. maybe even turn back time and forget that we have to worry about a future.

emotion: listless. hmm...or actually incredibly filled by the spirit today but just as quickly, i felt it sucked right out of me.

i have no idea what's next and i know i can just sit and watch episodes of greek because i need to sleep and i need to connect to people and places. bla bla bla.

back to hulu. this is not exactly the life i had in mind. tomorrow?

swing of your hips...

2009-10-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

oh boy, this song is great...
makes me desire/want for a better day that i know exists. does that make sense? it's somehow wraps me in love and community (yes, faith and desire...drowns me in love...pull me down hard). like ocean waves with far too much water that rocks you afloat and envelopes you like you've never seen and puts you at the top looking down on crashing whites - 8 feet of scary abyss and that's only above the water. below, a mystery. leaves for only one complete and satisfying feeling: awe of this great creation.

today, i get to spend the entire day with my dad. sadness comes a bit easier, but the joys are also higher. hmm...

brotherhood and community - i think i'm finding more of you and i pray (on a tangent) for santification (through suffering) and for wholeness in community with God and my brothers and sisters.

i am pretty sure i haven't made much sense at all. i think it is all about love for one another.

good day.

oh happy days

2009-10-14T02:34:00.000-07:00

jazz downtown, amigos buenos, hotdogs --- no buenos, tarea, facebook all day, cool nonprofit campaign, trust in dios, hmmm...BEST PART OF DAY: dad was super smiley and happy. what happened? haha, god, all that praying worked? of course you listen, just wasn't sure how you were going to respond. Praying still.

we were in the hospital yesterday. dad had another seizure, this time i wasn't home to see it, but i've finally accepted that things are just going to be and i can't force anything to happen so i've been pretty content with life. His burden/yoke IS much lighter.

buenas noches.

Hortensia* (ha, what an awful spanish name...i'm going to make another one up)

litigations gone too far

2009-10-06T00:27:00.000-07:00

really like this wall street article:

Law is supposed to uphold social norms of right conduct. Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. said that this was “the first requirement of a sound body of law.” By making people potentially liable for their negligence, law provides incentives for reasonable conduct. But the converse is also true. Allow lawsuits against reasonable behavior, and pretty soon people no longer feel free to act reasonably.

Welcome to America. Mud and reeds have been dumped on natural and necessary human activities throughout American society. Playgrounds have been stripped of all physically active equipment, like monkey bars, with the effect, among others, of contributing to a crisis in childhood obesity. Health-care costs are skyrocketing, in part because paranoid doctors are in the habit of ordering unnecessary tests to provide a possible defense in case there’s a lawsuit. Because of fear of legal claims, teachers can’t put their arm around a crying child.

Lawsuits are easy. Whenever anything goes wrong. It’s easy to come up with a theory of what might have been done differently. There could have been a warning. There could have been more supervision of the playground. The doctor could have ordered an MRI for the headache, just to make sure. Exposing people to liability against the standard of hindsight, however, creates not a safer world but one in which people simply avoid socially useful activities. Obstetricians quit. Seesaws disappear. Businesses stop giving references. The City of New York did, in fact cut the limbs off trees near playgrounds so children would not be tempted to climb them.

All life’s activities involve risk, and therefore the inevitability of accident and disagreement. The role of law is not to provide a consolation forum for those who have felt the misfortune of risk, but to support the freedom of all citizens to make reasonable choices, including taking reasonable risks. That requires judges, wherever someone makes a claim, to balance the seriousness of the risk against the social utility of the claim. Those rulings are the building blocks of our common law system, which, the English Law Lords recently reminded us, “is just the formal statement of the results and conclusions of the common sense of mankind.”

Judicial activism has a bad name. It’s one thing for judges to impose affirmative legislative mandates, like forced busing, but far more disruptive for judges to sit on their hands and let private litigants sue for the moon. Want to fix the legal system? Shine the spotlight on the judges.

The Wall Street Journal, October 22, 2003 p. A20

at the living room cafe

2009-10-04T15:27:00.000-07:00

just finished a one page spanish paper on the Tlatelolco Massacre while observing three soon to be married couples meet with their wedding planner. it was distracting, but fun nonetheless.

*just thought i'd share that. i have no idea what it is like to have to plan a wedding/a marriage.

here, just as you are

2009-10-03T03:11:00.000-07:00

sigh* great episode of grey's anatomy. i only started watching the end of last season and it's been a rollercoaster just like this crazy life (cancer, hospitals, doctors, interns, family, deaths, relationships...and friendships). So season right now and episode 3 or 4, thanks for the fun. it was a good ending, friends playing baseball at some ungodly hour after work - 5 hour long surgeries, hospital mergers, saving lives - maybe i'll get to do that one day.

it's a fun thought...this being a doctor. the not so fun thought: paying bills, studying for a really long time, every day for four years, and working around the clock.

i'm high on the two cups of coffee i had this morning from The missions restaurant on University (it was amazing, made my taste buds do a dance) and an entire glass of callahan red (a local brewed favorite).

chaos ensues but i'm very thankful for the friends i still have. so if y'all are reading this, i love love love my serious time friends. YOU.

just fyi on honesty, it means not holding back and being straightforward. why the bs? just why?
oy mamacita, tengo tarea para mi clase de espanol. y mas? surfiar manana? no domingo despues de inglesia.

I am still doing a lot of soul searching but i've had two weeks of constancy, if there's such a word, and it feels good. it's about acceptance and perseverence. i think i may be changing my blog title to daddy and me. or adventures with dad. today, we woke up, went to the missions. he didn't order but rather then let it get to me. i ordered and ate. it was yummy. he drank some coffee. then we went to saigon, but when we got there and almost out of the car, he stopped me and we had to turn around. we went to a new asian baguette place on el cajon (i already ate so i told him it was my turn to watch him eat). a couple of EMT's came into the restaurant after us (of no importance). he ate. i read a page of book of LA progressive movement. then home.

worked. then convinced him we should go to the park! Kate Sessions in PB rocks. got there. he refused to get out of the car. :( i pulled out the lawn chairs anyway and he got out :)
and we sat there. made small talk with guys playing beer hackey sack thingy as i walked to the bathroom. commented about the incredible view on top of this neat public space. we sat. i read another page. on my way to the bathroom, i thought about asking these guys if they would offer my dad a beer (all in my head). then minutes later, after sitting down next to dad in our matching lawn chairs. he pointed to the guys. i asked what he wanted... ah, of course, he wanted a beer. asked my dad several times in disbelief and inability to get the nerve to ask the guys if they could offer us a beer (though i'm sure they would have since we exchanged some words previously). i think because i asked him if he was sure so many times, he said no.
up we go, he was ready to leave. so before we left, i said how about one drive around to the other side of the park because the view is stunning. we went, he told me to pull over on the other side and to park?!! unbelievable, but whatever for, i couldn't figure it out. dad makes hand drawing of cylindrical container. he wanted me to ask this party of 50 folks if i could have a beer.

i said dad, probably not a good idea, maybe next time we come here, i'll bring the beer. why not?
then dinner at not so great thai restaurant in pb. and home... we talked. yesterday i shared with him pastor miles' interview with burn "thriver" and his wife. sorry i can't remember his name. hoping to shed light on his situation. we're not at our worst and somehow you just have to keep fighting, keep trying so at the very least you can say you tried and maybe it doesn't work out entirely the way you want it, but so what, you tried.

it was a good talk. maybe tomorrow, he will try and he will keep trying.
goodnight.

2009-09-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

hello world.

no broken heart here, just a bit of reminiscing on life from 6th grade until now... that's a long time. In the player, my waiting to exhale sound track - mostly songs i cried to when i felt hurt - but today it is more of an opportunity to cherish all of those times and relationships that have gotten me through some pretty chaotic times. When I last heard this CD I was in a two bedroom apartment with my dad in north park where we moved after he and my mom got a divorce and today, i'm in a house that my dad, stepmom, and i had moved to in '98 (maybe earlier) (also, a long time). daddy is sick and not the same. not even close. my sister is married! with two kids! I am still figuring out why i am here and how much time i've wasted on nothingness. I keep reaching out, trying to get a handle on who my real friends are and where they are. New friendships with meaning are hard to form.

oh and before i let you all go with the lyrics to Whitney Houston's "Exhale" - this is a great quote - "What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories." - george elliot

Everyone falls, in love sometimes
Sometimes it's wrong, and sometimes it's right
For every win, someone must fail
But there comes a point when...
When we exhale, yeah yeah

Say, shoop, shoop, shoop...
All you gotta do is say shoop, shoop, shoop...
My Lord now, shoop, shoop...

2-Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you cry
Life never tells us, the whens and whys
When you've got friends, to wish you well
You'll find a point when, you will exhale

Yeah, yeah
Say, shoop, shoop, shoop..
Say shoobedoo...

Oh, hearts are often broken
When there are words unspoken
In your soul there's, answers to your prayers
If you're searching for, a place you know
A familiar face, somewhere to go
You should look inside your soul
And you're half way there
(rpt 2)

I say shoop, shoop...
Feels all right, you can say shoop...

the smell of man

2009-09-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

Back in February (or actually, i'm not sure when we celebrate my brother in law's bday, but that month...) I went with my sister to buy cologne. I asked the service person if she had something similar to Michael Jordan's cologne from back in the day. She didn't know. So as I was helping my sister decide on the cologne for her man, I was searching for the perfect smell for my makeshift pillow man (sorta joking). Nada. That is, until we paid for whatever it was my sister bought for josh and we were walking away from the counter when i spotted Justin Timberlake's new cologne. It had to be it!

I knew it before I even took a whiff. Quickly, I motioned for the counter lady and asked for a sample. My sister and I melted at the scent. I was in love with Givenchy. not sure what kind of a name that is, but anyway, must be that musty sweaty smell of post basketball player/dancer that i'm digging.

In the 7th grade, I bought my first boyfriend that Jordan cologne. Why did i write about this? well i just decided to open up the samples today. now no one should actually rush to get that cologne because I actually think prolonged whiffing of it makes my head spin. not good. However, i am thankful for the brief moment of bliss that the smell of a man brings me. oh the small joys in life.

as for more exciting and far more worthy news, we just had our second block party in san diego and it felt just right being in city heights. Just show me where the need is... and i think i'll be there.

in the love of christ,

hang my chau

it's over now

2009-09-16T00:34:00.000-07:00

just finished an episode of glee on hulu. i don't mind the occasional mindlessness. love/hurt from love - i'm not sure how genuine these emotions are, that deep weight in your heart that catches your breath and makes you pound it out of your own chest - but when I'm ok, like i am today, and i get these love pains, it feels nice. as in, someday i'll get to feel that love again towards someone special. it might be a bit sad and less than cozy, but i think someday will come.

I just saw Reign on Me the other day and on the movie cover, it says, live everyday like it is the best day of your life. pause, i think i already wrote about this. nevermind.

yeah i'm just not ready to call it a night, but i know i'll be exhausted tomorrow if i don't try harder to get that shut eye. i have to be up in 6.5 hours, make that 6.35 or something. i am embarrassed (where's the spellchecker) to admit this, but i couldn't do 4th grade subtraction the other day as in figure out how to carry the 10s or whatever. my fifth grade brother had to show me; he was pretty amused that i didn't know how to do it. you should have seen the look on his face before he grabbed the pen from me and started scribbling. i even told him to slow down.

angie - maybe you can help me with this one?
reading a really good book right now called Jews without Money.

buenas noches mundo.

Catch me if you can.

2009-09-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad I wasn't angry for too long because when he came home, it was like nothing had happened at all. i wonder if that makes sense to anyone reading. i'd post a picture to take up the white space, but I have both laptops at staples for cleaning.

problema: i haven't woken up happy/energized in a little over a month. any ideas? I'm going to keep trying. it might be those long bad movies. O.M.G. I even had a nightmare last night and woke up screaming. that was wild. my own scream/yelp woke me up.

to philly: i miss you. what an incredible trip back. thanks for the good times, the neighborhoods, and the obvious diversity or maybe the 95% african american passengers on my septa rides to West Philly. it felt like home.

there hasn't been one week that has been the same for me in nearly a year. i'm not sure what to make of it except to accept that life is a constant adventure and routine must be boring considering the constant frustration of failed attempts at creating one. you know, despite all my doubts this last month, i believe god has a great plan for our lives.

one) His story is too perfect to be a creation of man. two) hopeless living isn't much living at all. three) apparently, he says his yoke/burden is light. i should give it a try.

a recurring question for me (perhaps i'm asking the wrong question): if i die tomorrow, will i have said and done everything i should have/could have/wanted to...

goodnight! *Catch me if you can is one of my favorite movies.

physically strong enough, spiritually weak... near dead?

2009-08-26T07:14:00.001-07:00

I have faith things can change at any given time. if something (god?) can work through his heart, his spirit can change. his acceptance of a disease that crippled him can happen. his acceptance of a plan for his life beyond his own ability can happen. i know these things, but if it doesn't?

i can fight with him, i can respect him, i can almost have a conversation with him until he yells NO and Oh God as he chokes up in tears.

I don't know too much about Edward Kennedy other than he was senator and a part of the Kennedy family but I'm reading about him now after the fact, after he dies. how lame is that?

what do i know about my dad?

he worked hard for most of his life, foregoing school so that he could work on the farm while his younger siblings went to school. him and his family escaped from Vietnam near the end of the war (perhaps at the end). Somewhere along the lines, his sister was driving his mom and they got into a car accident that paralyzed his mom. He met my mother at Hoover high school, they made me, and both dropped out of school. or they dropped out before and made me. my mom was 17, he was 20. He went to trade school to become a machinist.

He became one and worked many years for GA, katema, Kyocera. Often taking on two shifts. I saw very little him for a period of time. He loved exploring and taking us out to new places. The circus was one of those one time phenomenons where I saw an elephant poo.

My dad was frugal. He budgetted and saved every penny. He was able to buy the family our first home. I was 8. He supported my mother's nail business and bought several storefronts for the 2 attempts at running her own business... both failed, but they tried. My parents argued often, but also had sex often. At one point, my mom left to another state to do nails. They make more money in other states doing nails.

My dad had an affair. In one year, the marriage ended. He drank and smoke his sorrows away at night. We would argue over so many things. I was a rebellious teenager in some sense of the word. I would apologize. His happiness came from other women but he always cared first for his family. If anyone in his family needed him, he would be there. For my uncle's daughter, he gave her his car and paid for the insurance. For my uncle, he helped to front the insurance for his shop. Whatever was needed, he wanted to see him family succeed.

He didn't talk much to his dad. I suppose that was uncomfortable. To this day, he rarely goes over to see his dad. Oh, my dad had/has the greatest smile. He always smiled and said hi to strangers, but he got mad at me everytime for dancing in the aisles at the grocery store. Reminding me for some reason that i have to contain myself.

bla bla bla right now i can't get him to go to see a doctor. have to ask, why should i become one if patients refuse treatment or the information/care of a doctor that went to school for all those years?

.......... good morning.

pet peeve: paper pushing

2009-08-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

just a thought - people should not get paid to do stupid stuff. i generally dislike the concept of middle management etc. a thought: when middle management becomes a position in a company, the company is getting too big.

I question the value of big companies and think that as a society we need to weigh the value of decrease administrative costs to actually helping people do something significant with their lives.

I owe the city of inglewood $100 for a parking ticket ($53 of that is in late fees) and they supposedly can't do anything about it because they didn't get the mail i sent them (without a check) a month ago. something about when the computer adds the fee, they can't change it. is that bs?

i forgot that we have somehow become less than the ability of our computers???!

so in addition to bureaucracy gone bad, i saw blood diamond for the first time and became unbelievably/typically sad and it feels more and more like the world is crumbling all around me. Is it true? Perhaps not but it does give a nice image of the light that christians are supposed to be in this world as it crumbles. forgive me for questioning god and religion, but regardless i think we need more light in this world and more of us need to step up/step out of the dark.

the world is too preposterous without a god/without a living jesus. it takes faith to believe and faith to not believe but certainly the evidence of the truth is all around.

my left eye is hurting because i've been using it too much. my right eye is getting weaker and i'm pretty sure i'll be blind in that eye soon enough. hopefully not before the major earth quake in CA.

are the strange times we are living in any more strange than the generation before us?

is time in a straight line? are we progressing towards something other than blindness and death?

buenas noches.

Hang

finally...a few photos from our first block party

2009-08-22T15:58:00.001-07:00

http://picasaweb.google.com/hchau39/BlockPartyKamwood?feat=directlink

goals this year:

1) respect my father

2) motivated by love, not guilt

3) persevere, don't look for quick answers

4) follow through on commitments (especially to make time for friends).

i'm working on hard on those and starting block party sd!

got a few things done today so i'm feeling pretty good.

love,

hang

life is tough.

2009-08-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

it just is and yes, i'm searching far and wide, into the crevices of my thoughts and i can't find you. sometimes, i just want to (and sometimes I just do) throw things, and scream at the top of my lungs in silence. what a painful way to scream? who is listening? who is by my side? not for a story, just a shoulder to lean on. i almost want to curse.

anyway, dad, so you love me and you're depressed and life is hard because you were told you would die any day and you feel death's breath on your neck, so you are crippled and in your presence, i feel crippled. somehow, i have to turn the other cheek and pretend the frustration and the anger didn't happen? no. how can i tell you. this love is tough.

my goal: to not be lead by guilt but by pure love. show me how. build me, grow me, mold me.
my other goal: dang it, i should have written it down earlier.

until then, trying to keep away from distractions and to focus. i'm hoping to hear god's voice.

what is wrong with rational debate?

2009-08-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

so people who claim to be christians don't always live a christian life, which i have come to believe is made up of love, sacrifice, and sanctification. But why in the world are people with some of the most open minds unwilling to talk about christ? Is the debate truly fair to both sides?

I just saw a trailer for "The God Who Wasn't There," which I am very willing to watch and to process rationally. Can't unbelievers give a fair chance to God's existence?

Faith isn't easy, but we all walk by faith everyday.

anyway, finishing up ladder 49 because my sister just bought 18 dvd's.

love.

2009-08-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

old news but memorable: block party san diego's first block party comments from neighbors and invited guests:

"i've been praying for a way to get to know my neighbors." - a resident

"this was a great party." - my little brother

"I'm surprise you got everyone to move their cars."

hmm...nothing exciting, just finished business management class and 2nd semester of ballet. blogging is just a distraction. working (attempting to work) on business plan for block party san diego.

xoxo,

Hang

sigh*

2009-08-02T22:11:00.001-07:00

my head was rattling, bursting with thoughts before i sat down in my livingroom, turned on this computer and made small talk with a friend. i couldn't wait to sit down, to write. it's either i'm crazy, or i can hear god's voice or somehow i analyze all of my thoughts. does it make sense? how will it sound on paper or to someone else? is it really anything significant for me, my life, others?

flashing in the toolbar. is that a conversation via gchat? a distraction? a wanted distraction?
just saw the ugly truth and nearly cried during one part of a ROMANTIC COMEDY. seriously? manipulation sells. for a minute, the movie said this is how you get someone to love you back. the ending speaks the truth or just another fairy tale. no i know. i know, i know that love is unexpected.

screw love. i don't mean it. i was doing so well and i am. yesterday and the day before yesterday, i wanted to write about how happy i was to hear a love song, almost any love song because i could only think about god's love. i mean that's what i've been asking for the ability to do. to know true love in god. i used to only be able to think about a boy or boys. whatever.

(no edits) question: do i have a checklist for love? does love sometimes stare you in the face and do you miss it? someone told me that the holy spirit will speak truth and connect you and if it's right, the feeling from the holy spirit will be there. so no i don't really think that love can be staring me in the face and i'm missing it, but i do set expectations? a checklist.

clean. neat. caring. adventurous. loving. after god. bla bla bla. my brain is dead. i had peru organic coffee from the living room cafe today and caffeine and i don't mix too well.

friends - big topic. i love my friends, but when my friends don't believe in my universe: God... shoot something is missing. this big hole that can't ever be filled. that makes me sad.

BUT GOD, YES, that i know: everything is in your hands. so i'm not worried and i'm not really afraid of much, but sometimes this heart hurts.

and empty me??? seriously? how does that work? how do i keep who i am and empty myself. i could barely sing the words today in church.

thank you god. with all my heart (even the parts that i can't understand), thanks dad.

with loving kindness, help me know you more.

what what???

2009-07-28T23:19:00.001-07:00

uh...i just went for an evening surf session (yesterday and have been wanting to show off all day) along the cliffs and uh LOVED IT! i caught like 8, maybe 9 waves. just tootin' my own horn i guess. really excited about that.

mission: learn to hear god's voice.

love patiently, love endlessly, love generously...love persistently
no anxiety. no fear, just prayer and petition.

block party trial #1

2009-07-25T23:58:00.000-07:00

well... it happened. our first block party on kamwood street. i cannot even begin to express everything that went right tonight. i'm pretty tired, but i have a feeling my brother in-law might be in more pain and muscle ache than me. he carried the load with this one and i'm so proud of him. can i say that? he has such a gift for organizing and storing things (if only you knew) but essentially the trailer of rentals (moon bounce/bounce house, popcorn, sno cones, cotton candy machines, tables, tents, chairs, games) is more sorted out and neat now than when we first got it.

anyway, a couple notes about this new ministry called block parties. Ask me again where god is. He is right here. to start at the end, as I was packing up one of our tables, a neighbor next to me was using the evening to preach the gospel. while i walked down our dimly lit street after putting away some other block party/carnival contraption, the air was still filled with the sound of neighbors chatting and ray charles through the speakers, there was a child reaching up for one of the red balloons that had blown from his hand. somehow, that red balloon represents god's love, and uh...that's when I thanked Him again for having such an amazing plan for us.

anyway, i still don't entirely know how to clean out a popcorn machine and i definitely have no idea what to do with the cotton candy bit (thanks lynn for telling me at least to soak the top part)...but I think block party san diego is on!

god god god

2009-07-23T00:28:00.000-07:00

when you say something enough times, it starts to sound strange. a sound that you can no longer associate with any physical, tangible object. god's not quite physical and it takes faith to believe in something you can't see so when you say his name too much, it's beyond "strange." it feels almost contrived. i wonder what the person listening to me thinks.

past couple days have been interesting and filled with god searching. i just want to make sure what i do and what i say is genuine, that it's in line with god, but then i get lost and can't find god and it all feels fake, like i'm looking for a magic genie.

had a really good meeting today with chuck and rene c. from the rock. it was 100% divine. so, that's cool. i felt god working in each of our lives separately up until that meeting and in order for us to have that meeting.

this morning i asked god where he was? and i think that was his answer. go figure. don't ask for anything you don't really want.

i wonder if i can start every meeting in prayer?? i have started very few meetings in prayer.

good night.

romanticizing community and global markets

2009-07-18T10:42:00.001-07:00

so i'm working on a project to throw neighborhood block parties. my aim: decrease violence, decrease isolationism, and increase community. the problem is i don't mind sleeping all day and sometimes, i would prefer not to talk with people. henri nouwen mentioned something in his book, the return of the prodigal son, about the reality of community, about just how unromantic it actually is and that stuck with me. I didn't read most of the middle of this book, i read some intro and skipped to the last few pages so i might have missed the point.

but this is what he says: "there is little romanticism to community life. there is a constant need to keep stepping out of the engulfing darkness onto the platform of the father's embrace....
the people (a community) who welcomed me home and invited me to celebrate also confronted me with my not yet converted self and made me aware that the journey was far from ended." being true to ourselves and our communities make others in our community face their own vulnerabilities, there own anguish and that causes anxiety. it is a challenge to be better not only for ourselves but for each other and rather than seeking self-gratification, a community member and leader must continually give. "his outstretched hands are not begging, grasping, demanding, warning, judging, or condemning. They are hands that only bless, giving all and expecting nothing."

that's a tough one to handle. i think.

on another note, i'm taking a business management and organization class and although i'm many chapters behind and i have to take a midterm today. i think the book is fun. a little jewel from that book:
Geert Hofstede *i think, i can't read my own handwriting anymore. that's pathetic.
talks about 5 consistent cultural dimensions
1. power distance, is the extent to which a country accepts power is not distributed equally. (i hate bureaucracy and power struggles so this point hit home)
2. individualism, the degree to which a country believes that every individual should be self-sufficient (where is the room for community in this?)
3. masculinity, the degree to which a country is highly assertive. on the other end of the spectrum, feminity: nurturing cultures.
4. uncertainty avoidance, degree to which people are uncomfortable with uncertainty
5. short term vs long term orientation, self explanatory.

i think i'm drawn to these ideas because these are human dimensions as much as they are country dimension to look for in a global market. good times.

prayer. prayer. prayer. mathew 18:19-20. i love a good prayer partner/friend.

sadness sucks

2009-07-11T11:14:00.001-07:00

there's no sugar coating this one. hmm...i'm sad because it's a beautiful day in san diego and i love san diego and i would much rather be outside right now playing in the ocean, building sand castles and loving on strangers than feeling couped up in my room, kinda hungry with nothing appetizing to eat, homework to do, daddy hopeless in the other room sleeping, good but melo enough to be sad jason mraz on the pandora, and a still unfulfilled vision of block parties that unite communities. sigh*tomorrow will be good. today (this moment), i just have to get through.

death and dying sucks too not just because it's unnatural in the sense that god created us for eternal life with Him, but because if we're dying/dead, is that god's way of saying we're better off dead to Him? we can do more for His kingdom dead than alive?

i want to watch a movie outside in a pool. sickness sucks too, i'm getting over it but still weak. my dad needs his friends and i need mine. staring at the philly fellows photo. that was fun.

procrastination sucks. or the feeling like you're procrastinating sucks. i am motivated by guilt??!

back to reality: daddy i miss you.

2009-07-07T19:29:00.000-07:00

god, thank you for joy. thank you for peace and relief, for leading me besides quiet waters and through green pastures. thank you for the knowledge that you restore my soul.

guatemala is an exceptional country surrounded by green mountains and volcanoes and beautiful people. despite government corruption and a lot of pain, it is a blessed town because it willingly submits to the power of god. The communities are small and connected which i loved. for only having left a week, it was a harsh reality to return home to our wide streets, closed doors, and distant strangers.

i also unwisely immunocompromised myself and caught an unpleasant virus. i was bedridden yesterday and feeling much better today, but tensions ran high when i felt my heart shrink to worldly standards and did not want to give my stepmom the benefit of the doubt. god, i know through you, we will be able to find a happy/holy medium.

all this to say, daddy, i miss your smile. i miss the way you and i were captured in that photo at lynn's wedding. PLEASE, come back to us. PLEASE PLEASE.

surfing and brotherhood

2009-06-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

hmm...sisterhood? made it to mission beach this morning for the first time in months. since i keep my board at a friend's house, i've been riding the waves, shredding the gnar (which i had to ask, stands for gnarley...of course it does) in ob and sunset. Then today i realized i've been missing out on our mission beach tradition. the waves were long and clean, the ocean was as vast as ever and the dolphins were out in full force with a few duos and trifectas. i was probably 15 feet from them!

anyway, was on my way to catching a really nice wave until i realized it was a steep beach break and my board took a nose dive and my neck experience a bit more than whip lash. no problem, went right back out. caught another good one until i fell off and the board decided to hit me in the eye propelling me into a series of water gulping fun. oh, i still love surfing. i still love that i had a chance to see coult and jon lee. i loved that in the water i can feel god's presence and i'm hoping/waiting for another day where i can just get up and spend a whole day basking without having to run home on empty (i need to get gas).

peace. love. waiting.

Daddy please...

2009-06-22T00:53:00.001-07:00

from the time i got home this evening till about one and half hours ago, I was looking for the lyrics of a song that made me cry in church today. today i cried more in church than i have ever. today was father's day. my heart cried out for my friends that have lost their parents, but mostly it cried out for my dad, for his health, for the day that he may see my first child and walk me down the aisle (hopefully not in that order as EC would say).

the song was the same song my sister chose for her father daughter dance. am i scared that I will lose him? yes, a little. Do I have hope? yes, a lot. Do i know that God's will will be done and that his will is good? yes. Do I pray enough? no. Do I truly believe we can be a witness to one of God's miracles? yes and no. how do you balance modern/man medicine with god's power? pray. ok, that's good. i can do that. anything else? (responses here would be helpful. thanks guys)

so i never found the song. i know my sister sent it to me and i feel like it's in my itunes library which makes not being able to hear it now even worst.

my step mom is frantic. "Hang, come here, something is wrong with your dad."
she turns the door knob. it is locked. crap. I put on clothes. my shirt is inside out and backwards. dad's probably seizing. he is seizing.

it's ok. just relax.
"co ngoc," i say sternly as i calmly stroke her hand that is agressively pulling and holding onto dad's feet and hands, "it's okay, relax, dad, just breathe."
the sound of deep breaths.
"it's okay. how do you feel?" oh crap, asking questions right now doesn't help. In vietnamese, "hey dad, you are seizing right now, but it's okay, just breathe okay."
the sound of forced breaths and muttering lips. "breathe in, breathe out."

okay, you are better. still residual twitching. oh crap, he bit his tongue. shoot, what do i do?
"he is starting again."
"O.M.G. he is. Co Ngoc, call 911"
"Call 911?"
"yes, call 911."
"here take the phone."
the usual conversation.
911 paramedic on the phone: "hey you can stay on the phone with me if you like, we don't have to talk."
"thanks, dad, it's okay, just breathe. he is still seizing. he hasn't calmed down."
2 minutes later.
"okay, he's calming. i think he bit his tongue again. his mouth is still twitching and his eyes are red. i think the paramedics are here."
"do you want to hang up?"
"yes, if the paramedics are here. thanks. have a good night."
the usual conversation.

that was the end of my father's day. daddy please dance with me (is a part of that song...but i still can't find it).

in love and faith,

your daughter.

a picture perfect morning

2009-06-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

Not everyday can be perfect and I am sure even perfection can become boring, but today might have gotten pretty close for me.

woke up without an alarm at 6 am
grabbed my bible, my wallet, my keys and headed down to sunset cliffs
perfection would have been having the opportunity to hit the water
but i got a hold of a black, rusty beach cruiser and rode all along the cliffs.
stopped off to count the handful of people in god's vast ocean and said to myself, everything else is uncountable yet you call them by name so us, you must truly love.
i observed. i said hello to strangers and i rode back.
perfection would have been to not have to get in that car at all.
pulled into my driveway. opened the door and found my dad at the dining room table.
and now, an adventure with my new nonstick griddle and banana - blueberry pancakes.
and lauryn hill on the pandora
with intermittent john legend love songs.

phillies brooms padres

2009-06-04T12:07:00.000-07:00

good game phillies. petco park is a san diego jewel especially on ground level. bondi is a one year old restaurant and bar that is both intimate and spacious with incredible service and now plays jazz on wednesdays. yo quierro aprender a tocar percusion and practicar espanol. tucson arizona and guatemala trips planned. kinda excited. i think this one is actually going to happen!?!!

thoughts on capital punishment? i am for it. can it be done right?
can't wait to actually hear obama's entire speech in cairo.
i can't remember what i've really wanted to write down. dang it.
having fun with daddy and that makes a lot of things that much better.

mass media taking on a new form with twitter etc. cnn staying relevant by using twitter to get people's viewpoints?

yikes...why can't i remember. until next time then.

lean on me?

2009-05-31T21:26:00.001-07:00

topics that are striking my curiousity:

- cultural barriers
- fear and faith
- fellowship and genuine friendships and their barriers
- truly letting go and letting god
- a constant concern for finding truth that leads to building of false barriers?
- and for fun, why can't i sing?

it was a hard day.

su hi vong, this thing called hope

2009-05-30T13:27:00.000-07:00

i don't think i realized how important hope it is. where do you put your hope? is your hope set in eternity? or is it finite with limitations and infallible let downs?

Cancer, I don't like you very much.

2009-05-29T22:30:00.001-07:00

some 1/2 million people will be diagnosed with cancer, that's 1/6 of san diego's population. 1/1 will die (thanks for the reminder pastor jamison). what's up god? lead us to a point where we feel like we have nothing left so that we can surrender our lives to you?

sounds good. I'm game, but i still am not fond of this cancer. my grandfather just told me he has liver cancer. great time to preach the gospel i guess. what's next? use me.

love always,

Hang

I am thankful because i can't be miserable

2009-05-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

Our hospitality group sends out a weekly prayer list X has cancer, Y is going in for surgery, A has lost a job, B's kids aren't doing too well, and it goes on. My head spins and I can't take it. Where are the positives? So anyway, I am thankful that I feel safe enough to leave my home at night. I am thankful for friends who have stuck around. I am thankful for new relationships. Cheddar Sunchips, though i am tired of them now. Mint chocolate chip ice cream, but i haven't had any in awhile. Bicycles, because i really like riding them but i can't figure out how to work my quick release breaks. a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on tonight. I am thankful that there is a heaven to look forward to.

nothingness of this life

2009-05-21T12:46:00.000-07:00

There are far more people in far worst conditions. I cannot complain. I wanted to share a revelation I had yesterday after texting a friend about his not so happy situation. I realized that it is easy to forget for who and why we are living. And to remember but to not live life in that way, with Christ, for Christ, is still more complicated.

I am having a difficult time feeling that this life is more than nothing. There is a deep black hole where my heart is. I am tired today and want to escape the rejection that I feel when my father refuses to get out of bed. Where is the joy and the happiness of his life? How have I allowed his struggles to take away the contentment in my life?

I need to walk by faith. I need to not seek out short lasting adventures and happiness from the world. I am afraid of dying and I am afraid to lose the people that I love. I spent some time with my grandmother yesterday and she had so many questions for me. She also had a strong smile and a healthy 80 year-old asian woman frame. What brings her peace and joy? How did she come to find it?

to live like you were dying

2009-05-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

i believe this has been a common thread through most of my recent blogs. that, or boys. no really... life is short and it will catch us by surprise. I am thankful for having a roof over my head. I am thankful that I was able to wake up this morning and have a full functioning body. I am thankful that I was able to drive with my sunroof open so that i could breathe in the san diego air and see the stars that god has put into place.

i want to live without regret. I want to live with His glorious power inside of me.

Dear holy spirit,
please guide and direct my every move. through me, I want my brothers and sisters to see You.
In your HOLY HOLY HOLY name, Jesus Christ. AMEN.

...studying for statistics final on Friday.

...to give is better than to receive (has nothing to do with statistics).

moms and their son's girlfriends

2009-05-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

so i spent a part of my day pondering how/why moms don't always like the girls that their son's date. particularly, i pitied myself for many of my past boyfriends' moms did not take an immediate liking towards me. That's a euphemism. "you should keep dating"

there are more stories. no big deal, i love them all nonetheless and hope that mommies around the world are having a warm and fuzzy day. Then i spent the the rest of my 45 minutes with Charley on the beach at sunset cliffs. it was the first time i've laid on the beach all year and it was nothing short of fabulous.

i should be more elaborate but it's getting late so here's a snapshot:
nice run downtown this morning with charley and his friend rob. went to the hospital for pt with dad. met up with susan for tea and met her mom for lunch at their house. picked up charley and rob. took rob to the airport because he decided to take an earlier flight back to sf. charley and i went to the beach then dropped him off at his grandma's. met up with chad's family for church and just praised god. cried when a little girl sang and three people read letters to their moms. why did i cry? i love my mom. and i know that no matter what happens, however we might fail each other, that love that she has for us is truly a reflection of god's love for us. back to hospital to give step mom a rose (thank you rock church). went over to my sister's to help them clean up the house on soria after a slight altercation about her not being so judgemental. started painting (it's been awhile and was nice. in fact i still have white paint splattered on me. i should shower. should is the operative word. oh my). then josh left. i got scared. prayed like heck. got smart and closed some extra doors around the house and realized the rooms i was painting were pretty high up. later, josh calls me to tell me that their new house was broken into. the thief had taken a few things. it could have been the previous owner of the house. scary. scary how our world's moral foundation continues to break from under us. scary how more and more crimes against each other happen. scary that we don't love each other enough to protect and serve each other so that we don't need to steal. so i'm praying hard. FATHER, I hope you can hear my deepest cries. I hope that we can all be a vessel for you and for your will. i hope that one day we will see ourselves ALL TOGETHER as the body of christ.

ok, then off to mommy. yay!!! this might be embarassing for her (i hope not). i waited outside of the bathroom for 15 minutes until she came out so that i could give her a present and a rose (thanks again rock church). she has lots of questions about how my dad is doing. my entire family does and i try to answer them as best as i can, but she especially does. it's not always easy to be the one to answer these questions. i often give one or two word answers. can i just tape record his status and play it over and over? hmm...not a terrible idea. it (these situations we find ourselves in) cannot be that complicated.

i love my family and i love my friends. i love the people of this world and i'm waiting for the day when all of people's sufferings fade away.

IN HIM ALONE.

Day 8

2009-05-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

When i called 911 for the ambulance on Friday, April 24th I wasn't planning on staying at the hospital until today. My dad is still in bed and will hardly open his eyes. His fevers are still spiking above 102. He was put on a series of antibiotics immediately and they were doing some good, but not much. Tylenol and Food were the only "medicines" that held his fever down. Then the Infectious Disease doc prescribed daptomycin which seemed to be doing the trick, but for some reason, he took my dad off the dapto after two days and put him back on vancomycin. An hour later, the right side of his neck was swollen, his fever spiked to 103 and he had a rash around his neck and chest.

What the heck? When I got into the hospital this morning, he had a fever of 102 if not a bit higher. They can't find anything in his blood cultures...

anyway, here i am, day 8 at sharp memorial. it's a very nice hospital with private rooms and I have reason to believe that because the hospital is nicer, there has been a higher standard set for patient care. I know God is here, but for me, the burden is heavy.

We had our first dance performance yesterday! hmm...we're trying the vancomycin again with benadryl. hopefully we'll get the confirmation we need. I'm concerned about super resistant bacteria and I'm hoping the doctors are monitoring the dosage carefully.

oh a medical note, post brain surgery, i don't think a patient should be expected to be mobile right away. I think the patient needs 2-3 days bed rest and I have become a proponent of continuing antibiotics even once the patient goes home especially if he/she is asked to leave the hospital only 3 and a half days after the surgery because it's unlikely that he got enough antibiotics in the hospital. I think a full course of most antibiotics requires at least 5 days.

my status:
feeling a weary. my body is not in tip top shape.
i've been eating too many sunchips for breakfast.
mentally, lazy.
i think i need good music and a day at the beach.
dancing has been a nice break from all of this
i'm looking forward to church on sunday. B is finally going to come with me - granted it's more to hear ex mafia boss martin franzese speak - but praying that the service can plant a little seed in his heart.

Done.

how often...

2009-04-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

how often do you compromise your faith for "fun"
how often can you say no to the holy spirit and still have life
how often is it supposed to hurt
how often can someone say something one minute and be completely different the next

pulling out my hair and crying out "DADDY" "ABBA" "YAHWEH"

i believe in Him and his omnipotence.
i just finished a case for christ and am now watching expelled con ben stein.

baptitzo - april 26, 2009

Lift me higher

2009-04-23T01:34:00.001-07:00

it seems like no matter where i am in my life, i can't get away from the discussion of relationships. our very essence is made for these intimate bonds. if we don't have them, we yearn for them. if we do, I have a feeling we have all taken them for granted at one point or another.

i can't get my thoughts out again. in short, i know what i want/need but i easily get caught up in the excitement (though i'm getting better at keeping what is bad for me away from me).

a good friend is hard to come by...

downtown on a wednesday with an amazing dinner and an old friend = not so bad evening.

i may have been in a slump lately (october 08 to march 09) with a fair share of ups and downs, but i just saw the yes man with jim carrey and i'm not going to lie, it was a reminder for me to seize opportunities and to allow opportunities to present themselves (i.e. obey God = very interesting and fulfilled life).

i am wondering what is next and how my relationships with friends/family/boys will be, how deep? how broadening? how long? whatever tomorrow brings, i know it will always be fun (is there a better word here?).

la dolce vita

Dear God

2009-04-17T09:40:00.000-07:00

your plans are perfect and I love seeing them work out. I can't identify all the details nor all the purposes that you have put into every second of every event, but those that I do recognize, I rejoice in them and sing your praises. It is a reminder for me to sing your praises always. On Wednesday, my grandfather called me to say that I got accepted to medical school. He read the first line of the letter in perfect English. So, after settling down from the surreal moment, hanging up the phone with pop pop and running to my father's ICU to tell him, I started to question if I really did get accepted. Pop pop can't read English?!

Late last night, I sent an email to AT Still Arizona cancelling my interview appointment that is scheduled for Monday. I spent most of this morning wondering if that was a good idea. I would have loved to check out the University, but the stress of preparing for the interview after knowing that I got accepted to my top choice DO program didn't make sense.

I decided to call the University to confirm my acceptance.

"Hi Ana, I am out of town right now so my grandfather, who doesn't speak english very well, told me that I got accepted to Western U. I was hoping to confirm if I did get accepted."
Slight giggle, "Oh, what's your last name"
"Chau"
"Yes" - Ana
"YES! That's great news."
"Well, you have secured a spot for the class entering in Fall 2010, this year's class is full."
"Oh."
"If anyone cancels, because many people cancel between now and August. you'll get a call from us."
"Oh, ok, well...I'll take it. Thanks."

Feeling strange, but excited nonetheless, I got off the phone. I was given a one-year deferrment without asking for one. This means, I get to do things. I get to spend more time with my father. Perhaps travel, and work on that nonprofit idea with Zack that includes biking up the coast of california. Life is full and I am blessed. I don't have to take my mcats again or reapply to secure my spot and now i can apply for the national health service corps and if i get accepted, they'll pay for all four years rather than three because i missed the deadline for this year's application.

I also noticed a few other incredible twists to plans as of late including my dad's surgery date with UCLA doctor, Linda Liau. Everything is well. Thanks God.

Warmest Regards,

Hang

yes! victory.

2009-04-14T14:50:00.001-07:00

4:30am, leave apt for ronald reagan ucla medical center.
5:00am, admissions paperwork
5:30am, procedure and treatment unit (pre-op)
6:00am, meets with OR nurse, anesthesiologists, and pa
7:30am (as scheduled), dad moves to the OR
9:00am, a phone call from William (OR anesthesiologist), "everything is going as planned"

(we get a call every 2 hours to let us know how things are going)

1:30pm, they're closing
1:35pm, Dr Liau "i think i got it all" <-- i think i'm inspired by amazing doctors.
2:54pm, he's in the recovery room

grandma's 81st birthday

2009-04-13T19:20:00.001-07:00

It's 7:20pm, the day before my dad's second brain surgery. I'm emotional but not discouraged. Yesterday was filled with some classy moments: dad in the bathroom for half an hour after I had used it (tmi). everyone singing happy birthday to my grandmother while she was surrounded by her great grandchildren and then me leading a second round of happy birthday singing. She is a great woman.

listening to trevor davis, wondering where I am going, hoping that i'm not going to fast and that my faith grows roots. I wish my dad would be more receptive right now to doing something...

surgery scheduled

2009-04-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

friday is almost gone. sat. sun. mon. and then there is tues...8 hours in the hospital.

..........

yes. eric mabius, crash and burn

procrastination

2009-04-04T19:13:00.000-07:00

I think i'm just avoiding statistics homework right now. ok...weird, crazy week:
hung out on a boat in marina, slept on a hammock.
met bj's twin - it was scary fabulous. there was more to it than just v-neck white t's and skinny jeans. wondered how they would get along.
slept in a pimped out vw bus with three other people. very weird moments.
hung out with dad and family in old town! plain fun.
campland by the bay bonfire and stuff. part of sleeping in vw bus.
err... ok, there's more but i have to go.

nightfall

2009-03-27T22:37:00.000-07:00

just hanging out in LA and listening to Jack Johnson. I'm pretty stoked about that. It's a good night. I hope my dad sleeps well tonight.

oh just started a new book by richard bach (i think), the author of johnathan livingston seagull. The book is titled illusions of the messiah or something like that...ha. I like it a lot too.

oh, great news, i had an interview at Western U and i learn in two weeks or so if i'm going to be starting the long, arduous road of becoming a doctor. wow, that would be something else.

filled with wonder tonight.

ode to sweatpants

2009-03-23T12:14:00.001-07:00

wow, i'd really like to continue that stream of consciousness. I'm wearing sweatpants right now and i couldn't imagine anything more comfortable. My brain is signaling a mile a minute into some abyss - a pool of thoughts that i can't make out because i won't stop to listen.

it's a sunny day in san diego. that is nice. i took a short breather in my car, parked outside of my house, seat set back, windows down, sun beaming, and breeze chilling, tears rolling. the pain never ends but i can see the sunshine through it all so i am, regardless of this life's roller coaster, comforted.

i can't wait to rest my head tonight, but between managing my father's health and my future, i can't find the time for much else. I am sad that i am not as able to help my brothers right now. as for my mom...we haven't talked in a week. I hope - scratch that - i know God is working and it's okay that i'm not involved right now.

hmm...heartbreak, gosh, it never stops. i've been touting the fact that i'm ready to get married. ha, what a funny concept. I just want to rest my head on someone's shoulder for the rest of my life. THIS that i'm going through right now, the constant heartache has got to be a consequence of my bad decisions. amazing. Still, i praise him. and i'm so thankful for the endless conversations that i can have with the holy spirit that rests in me. I will seek him first...but for now, father, can i find a shoulder to cry on?

my dear heart, i would like to put you away in chains and lock you up so that this pain that we are experiencing does not happen again. the pain is a subtle one, eased by an undercurrent god's love and grace. Maybe i'm learning how to cope????

breathe. can i find a surf partner too? because it looks like a good day for catching waves :)

Fresh air

2009-03-18T21:31:00.000-07:00

i know what i need, but i can't seem to make it happen. i'd rather lay here on my floor and ponder the possibility of getting some fresh air and some time alone with God. That voice in my head is telling me to stop running. oy. today was complicated. I think i have some notes for my other blog so peace out.

wake up...

2009-03-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

life is good. god is good. end of story.

reminded to not take His life, His grace, His mercy, our security and our freedom in the US for granted (thank you kirk franklin).

God bless.

Lost and Found

2009-03-15T20:44:00.001-07:00

I knew there was only one person that could save me and today, I was able to renew my relationship with Him. This weekend has been one of the most fruitful weekends in a long time. I think partially because I have forgotten how glorious it is to have a conversation in the car with the Holy Spirit. I think I have found my peace. Pray now that I can keep Him close and closer.

I also had a chance to catch some good mission beach waves with Mr. Lee and Tarl. It was cold but like Jon says, it's only going to get warmer from here. I took that as a metaphor for life so I have a lot to look forward to.

i was up pretty late last night and i'm sure if i pulled out the computer then, you wouldn't have seen the end of the blog. I forget how nice it is to be up in the middle of the night, in the dark, street lights against empty sidewalks and perhaps the sound of one or two cars passing by on a nearby freeway. Or the sound of a train...I heard the sound of a train a few months ago. I can't place it now, but i like the sound of trains.

long day tomorrow...i should get to bed.
christo te ama.

before the cool done run out?

2009-03-13T01:26:00.001-07:00

up again. i know i just wrote earlier today, but this is the first time i've been up in front of a computer at 1:25am in awhile and i like it. i feel at peace (after many many moments of agitation just 3 minutes ago - things have to get worse before they get better - i think it's part of the cleansing process).

listening to music until i pass out.